


In tenebris est lux

by J_Antebellum



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Cheesy, Depression, Drama, Drugs, F/F, Hospital, Injury, Love, Romance, Sadness, Suicide, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2020-01-16 03:36:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 30
Words: 81,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18513106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Antebellum/pseuds/J_Antebellum
Summary: Follows the Krashlyn story from engagement to their first child. I already wrote 'Until dawn', but in this one I wanted to explore dark themes and make it more angsty and dramatic, obviously without wishing the real people any harm, just doing it for the purpose of storytelling. It's also deeply romantic, cheesy, and full of so much love.





	1. Prologue Part 1: The engagement and the marriage

**Author's Note:**

> The prologue contains a good ton of big speeches and all. So if you wish, you may jump it and go straight to chapter 3 ;)

**[A/N: I wrote this chapter listening to the most romantic of Ron Pope works, between others. Highly recommended.]**

Clearwater Beach was always outstanding and beautiful. It was a coast Ashlyn wasn't as used to, as she was more used to the opposite coast of Florida, but it was still great and somewhere she loved to take Ali to in their weekend escapades. It was somewhere where they could be together without the effort of having to hide things, and now that they had been together for eight years in two months, Ashlyn had been bringing her engagement ring with her everywhere, after having had it for three years. Now, the two had bathed and were sitting by the waves just enjoying the sunset, having a picnic on a blanket, and taking pictures and talking, making each other laugh. Ali looked out of this Earth and Ashlyn found she was too busy staring at her to pay that much attention to her words.

“I want to have four kids. Or five,” Ali said cheerfully, leaning back with her hands on the sand and closing her eyes to the sunlight.

“Really? Have you told your vagina?” Ashlyn joked, turning to take a photograph of her. They were sitting on a blankets with their bags with them, the picnic stuff already back in the bags as they had just finished eating, the ring safely tucked in a pocket of Ashlyn's jacket carefully folded inside her backpack. Ali laughed at the joke, and Ashlyn smiled, taking another photograph of her with her phone.

“I count on you helping out, silly,” the defender said, opening her eyes and looking warmly at her.

“For you, I'll have all the children in the world. And then we'll adopt six or seven more and make our own soccer team.”

“And then we'll provide the entire next generation of USWNT, that's the right thinking!” they laughed together and Ashlyn put away her phone. “Are you happy, Liebe? Do I make you happy?” Ali asked caressing her cheek.

“You make me the happiest stud in this whole wide Universe,” Ashlyn leaned to peck her lip. She felt her heart was about to burst. “And every time I think there's no way I can be happier, you come up the next minute and prove me wrong.”

Ali sniggered, blushing. Then Ashlyn made a joke about the surfing skills of someone they were watching, and Ali started laughing so hard she could only stare at her in amazement, grinning big.

And then it was like it all froze. This is it. This is the moment. _I just want to do this for the rest of my life._ With shaking hands and taking advantage of the fact that Ali was distracted laughing, Ashlyn reached for her backpack and quickly grabbed the ring. She held it in one closed hand and with the other made sure the shirt she was wearing over her bikini looked nice, and got on one knee, holding the ring between two fingers and smiling back.

“God you're so funny, I never get tired of...” Ali carefully removed the laughter tears with the back of her hand, smiling. When she looked at her, her expression froze for one second, seeing the ring, and then grinned bigger, her eyes filling with tears for entirely different reasons. “Ash...”

“Alexandra... I just want to do this for the rest of my life. After nine years, you still make my heart skip a beat. I still can't believe I'm not in a dream every time I wake-up next to you. You still make me feel like the luckiest person in this world,” said Ashlyn, staring sweetly at her. “Baby, you're my everything. My rock, my defender, my eleven, my best friend, my favourite person, my umbrella when it's raining, Logan's Mum... you raise me up and you make every second of my life worth a thousand storms. I love you so much it feels like I'm going to have a stroke just by thinking about it, and I can't wait to have an entire soccer team with you. So... what do you say, Alex? Wanna continue this crazy adventure and make it the rest of our lives?”

“Yeah! Of course yes, always!” Ali giggled nervously as Ashlyn slid the beautiful ring in her finger and she observed it in amazement, the light turning orange over them. She looked up at Ashlyn with a tear sliding down her smiley face and shook her head in disbelief. “It's such a beautiful rock.”

“Well you asked for it,” Ashlyn grinned, sinking her hazel eyes in her brown tiger ones.

“I've got the best one right here, though,” the older woman put her arms around her shoulders, burying one hand in her short hair. Their faces approached slowly until their foreheads pressed together. “You know I don't like to sort my entire future too much in advance but... I've never been happier to have something fixed forever. If you're there... I know everything else that comes is going to be amazing. I love you so much, Ashlyn.”

“I love you. Always will.”

“Always,” Ali grinned bigger if possible, searching for her hazel eyes. “My forever love. My best person.”

They kissed softly, gently, with arms around each other, and not caring about the sunset spectacle. The best one was right there, between their arms.

. . .

_15 months later... December 22 nd 2019_

Club Lake Plantation in Wekiwa Springs State Park, Central Florida was a bit chilly in December, but not that much, just fresh and good. Although Ashlyn's dream wedding included not telling their guests, and doing it in North West America, around Maine or DC where the trees were really big, she hadn't always thought that her wedding would fall in December, right before Christmas, with plane ticket prices going up dramatically, and since Doe Lake was only about half an hour car ride from their home, this provided saving a bit of money and being warmer. Besides, Ashlyn and snow weren't the best of friends, and Ali was happy marrying there, where they had had countless romantic dates. The Club Lake Plantation was a beautiful ranch where to marry by a lake shore.

They paid the hotels for their family and friends in Orlando because, Ali reasoned, they couldn't just tell them to come blindly on a surprise trip -when they were going to suspect the reason anyway- and besides, the girls would like to glam-up for the wedding. So they did send invitations, a couple hundreds to be exact, inviting their whole families and extended families, friends and teammates-friends from all over the world, and realizing that even though they wanted a small wedding, they had too many good friends to pick. They had Raya Habovick and Sydney and Dom Dwyer's daughter as their flower girls, and Jenson Habovick and Cassius Dwyer as the pageboys. Christopher Harris and Kyle Krieger shared the Best Man title. Their bridesmaids were Liz Clabaugh, Carmella Moscatto, Brittany Habovick, Cassidy Habovick, Megan Rapinoe, Abby Wambach, Sydney Leroux, Alex Morgan, and Whitney Engen, an exaggerate amount, but they were two women and had too many female loves to pick, so Ali in particular didn't give a shit. And their groomsmen were a bit less. Kyle Habovick, Corey Habovick, Jamie Tworkowski, Dom Dwyer, Servando Carrasco, and a few old friends from outside the soccer world. Heather O'Reilly would officiate the wedding, as she had gotten licensed online. And finally, Logan was the official ring bearer, and Kyle was in charge of her, and would drive her back home to Orlando immediately after the ceremony so she wouldn't poo at their wedding reception.

The wedding was a little Christmassy. Ashlyn was wearing red Santa Claus socks, hidden with her shoes and dark suit, with a white flower on the lapel, a crimson tie and dark waistcoat. Ali had a long white dress with long lace sleeves, her curves perfectly hugged, and her hair loose, curled, and with a crown of small red a white flowers. Ashlyn had let her hair the length she had it in Spring, and had brushed it neatly to the side with a very small amount of product so it looked beachy, like she knew her bride liked it, and also decided to wear her most elegant glasses. And they had a small string quartet to play during the civil ceremony. Kyle had gotten his friend Daniel Seung Lee, who had taken their engagement photographs, to come and be the official wedding photographer, and another friend he trusted and came from the filmming study he had done in London came to do the wedding film.

“You look gorgeous sweetheart,” Michael Harris congratulated his daughter as he entered the room of her house where she had gotten ready.

“Thanks Dad, you look nice!” Ashlyn turned around from the mirror where she was doing her usual 'you ready' ritual -same she did before games, never leaving until she felt she could eat the world- and smiled at her father, smooth with his suit. “I think I'm ready to go. Is Grandma with Mum?”

“Yes, and Ali is hidden in the bedroom, so you can come out now, you're not supposed to see each other,” Michael reminded her, stopping one second to fix her hair a little and straighten her tie. “There you go, absolutely perfect,” he grinned, “I'm so happy for you. Ali's such an excellent person. You're the best match.” Ashlyn smiled broadly.

“Thank you, Dad. It means the world for you to say that.”

As she and her Dad made their way to the living room where all the groomsmen, best men and bridesmaids awaited, along with the parents of the brides, she got tons of whistling, cheering and compliments.

“It got hot in here!” Christopher joked hugging his sister. “Aw, I'm so happy!” all the groosmen had crimson ties, like Ashlyn, and white flowers on the lapel. They could wear the suits they wanted, though. And the bridesmaids were different crimson dresses.

“You're stunning,” Kyle grinned at his future wife. “My other sister's so bloody lucky.”

“Thanks, guys,” Ashlyn smiled at them. “Okay, Ali's still getting ready so when she comes out, I want you to tell her from me that she's absolutely jaw-dropping. And I want to say thank you to all of you for all you've done this year to make this happen despite the World Cup craziness. I love you guys,” there was a general 'aww' and she smiled, gesturing with her hands to form a huddle. “Come on, huddle, huddle! Hands in!” she put hers first and soon a dozen hands were on top. “Team on three. One, two...”

“TEAM!”

“That's right you guys! Now let's go, I want to marry.”

They had rented a beautiful vintage black car whose chauffeur drove Ashlyn, her father, and Christopher to the Club Lake Plantation, while Kyle and Ashlyn's mother and future mother-in-law went with Logan in another car right behind. Their groomsmen and bridesmaids were in different cars behind, so the only ones left in the house were Ali, Ken Krieger, and while the flower girls had stayed behind with Ali, the pageboys came along, since for this wedding they had changed the roles a little (with it being two girls), and they'd be more flower boys for Ashlyn than anything else.

Ashlyn adjusted her expensive rolex in her wrist, feeling her stomach full of butterflies as she excitedly sat trying not to wrinkle her suit.

“Nervous?” Michael asked sitting next to her.

“The good kind,” Ashlyn smiled at him. “Like before a game. Deeply excited, dying to see her, to tell her how amazing she is in front of everyone...” Michael smirked.

“I almost puked before marrying your mother. I was so nervous thinking I'd stumble and fuck-up, but it was just perfect.”

“Do you still remember it fondly even though... things ended in an ugly divorce?”

“Of course, and we're friends now. Your mother and I had an ugly divorce because it hurt so much to end our beautiful love story... but it was amazing while it lasted, and it was even more wholesome because it lead to you and your brother.”

“Thanks Dad,” Christopher smiled turning around in his seat, in front of his sister. He had trimmed his beard for the occasion and was rocking his suit like he was born for it.

“You're welcome,” Mike chuckled, and then moved to put a heavy hand on top of Ashlyn's, their hazel eyes connecting. “What matters now is that you love her. Marriage _is_ hard. Because is a lifetime commitment to a person, no one commits for a lifetime with any other thing in life. You cannot go to bed angry at them or knowing they're angry at you, you have to love them in their worst, when it's the most difficult, and you see them change so much in fifty, sixty years... you can't always love through it all. Sometimes love isn't enough. But love it's what's going to push you to be the most persistent, resilient, caring and forgiving you've ever been. Yet it's not a game of staying no matter what until they ruin you and make you unhappy. That's not what the compromise is about, you understand?” Ashlyn nodded. “You have to know it's okay to walk-out and trying to be happy even if it means a divorce. This compromise lasts while love lasts, only that. It's a compromise of support, of trying your very best and nothing less... and if you try your very best, and still fails, at least you know you gave it your best. That's what matters. You fight for her, and you're happy, and if you manage to keep that magic going forever, which takes hard work and the compromise to give it always your best try... then you get a forever ever after.”

Ashlyn's lips curved into a smile and she leaned to kiss his cheek right next to his white goatee, on top of a dimple.

“I love you Dad.”

“I love you too, Munchkin. And I'll always be there to help you make this work.”

“I appreciate it.”

“And remember, Ash,” Christopher turned around, “you deserve her, you matter, don't sacrifice yourself so much you lose yourself in this. You deserve to be loved the biggest, to be fought for, to have her do it all for you. Don't settle with less than what you deserve. That said,” he chuckled, “I'm pretty sure you hit the jackpot with this one.”

The goalkeeper snorted a laugh.

“Yeah... yeah, me too. She's always taken me exactly as I am. God, I just love her so much I could cry just from how overwhelming it is.” Mike squeezed her hand.

“You have your whole life to believe your luck.”

Ashlyn looked down to her engagement ring and smiled, moving it to her right hand so Ali could place her wedding band just right. She was so lucky.

It was ten minutes to eleven in the morning when they got to the venue, and Christopher and Kyle walked their mothers forward to their seats with Logan, before standing next to the live oak hammock that formed the wedding spot. **[A/N: The website offers amazing photo and video of the place if you want to check it out.]** The first rows were large wooden benches like the church ones, standing on the grass field, with cushioned pretty chairs with red ribbons forming the last few rows, with the lake behind the couples' spot, where Heather O'Reilly was already waiting with a big smile, and the big oak trees standing on the sides, interlacing over them. The bridesmaids walked with the groomsmen to stand at the sides of the altar, and the pageboys situated in front of Mike and Ashlyn as it had been rehearsed, in their cute shirts with brown suspenders and crimson bowties. Kyle had already tied the wedding bands to Logan's collar, and the dog sat patiently awaiting her turn as Kyle kept her on a leash. She also had a crimson bowtie.

Mike and Ashlyn stood at the beginning of the aisle and all their guests got up, smiling big at them. The string quartet, that had been playing to entertain the guests, started now playing for the bride, and Ashlyn took her father's arm and let him have the pleasure of walking her down the aisle, while the boys threw flowers from little baskets, their mothers beaming of pride at them.

“Good job boys,” the bride whispered to them.

As they walked, they smiled at their guests and thanked their whispered congratulations and compliments until they got to the altar. Mike hugged his daughter, kissing her cheek before going to sit down, and Ashlyn hugged Heather and kissed her cheek.

“You look so hot,” Heather whispered to her ear.

“Thanks girl,” Ashlyn chuckled, and winked smiling at the bridesmaids and groomsmen, patting her dog's head softly. Heather had a lectern in front of her with some papers on it to guide the ceremony, and Ashlyn stood in front. She could see the photographer and video man around with their respective cameras from there.

When the quartet began to play Ali's music, Ashlyn felt her heart in her throat and stared at the lake behind Heather. Kyle and Christopher's faces were within her peripheral vision field, and she saw them do something like sob-laugh as they saw Ali.

“What a princess,” Kyle whispered.

“What a goddess,” Christopher corrected him, and they both nodded, amazed. That was enough for Ashlyn to throw away her self control. She straightened her glasses over her nose bridge, turned around, and lost it.

Ali walked to her with the biggest smile and glassy eyes she had ever seen her put. She was wearing her contacts, had an arm on her beaming father's arm, and white and red roses in her other hand. She connected eyes with Ashlyn, beaming bigger if possible, and Ashlyn felt her eyes fill with tears and felt herself let out a small sob and cover her mouth with one hand before removing it and grinning back at Ali, tapping her eyes gently with one finger under the glasses. Ali mouthed 'sexy', making her giggle-sob.

The last bride was wearing a long white dress, with long, laced sleeves and a small train. She had her engagement ring in her right hand shinning under the sunlight, had no veil, and her hair was loose, full of curls, with a crown of white and crimson flowers. Her make-up was simpler than other times, making her eyes and red lips stand-out more, and she was absolutely gorgeous and perfect.

“You're absolutely perfect,” Ashlyn whispered as they held hands after hugging Ken so he could sit. Ali smiled back nervously.

“I love you so much,” she whispered, holding back tears herself. “I can't believe we're here.”

“We're doing this, babe. Finally,” Ashlyn kissed her temple and Ali put her hand on her arm, handing her flower bouquet to Brittany, as they stood to face Heather, who beamed at them and gave everyone permission to sit down.

Only then did Dom and Jamie move to put two pretty chairs, cushioned and with bows like the others, behind the brides so they could sit, while Heather sat on a tall, elegant stool, and the groomsmen and bridesmaids had chairs as well, forming two semi-circles, one at each side from the brides.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the wedding of our friends Ali and Ashlyn, who after 109 months of relationship, which is said quickly but it's a long time, have decided to tie the knot, and will from now on become Mrs and Mrs Krieger-Harris,” there was some unexpected cheering and a reaction of laughter, and Ashlyn smiled down at Ali, putting her hand over the one Ali had on her arm even as they sat down together. Heather was smiling big as always, looking elegant and beautiful, and felt extremely honoured they had asked her to marry them. “My name is Heather O'Reilly, I'm a midfielder for North Carolina Courage soccer team, but most importantly, I have the honour of calling Ashlyn and Ali two of my best friends, and I'm very thankful and grateful to have the honour of marrying them,” she wasn't reading her papers, they felt more like a guide in case she got lost. She just spoke from the heart. “I met Ashlyn like fifteen or sixteen years ago when we both attended the University of North Carolina and were roommates, and we've been best friends since. And I met Ali about a decade ago or perhaps more, right? At the US Women's National Team, where we became right side, strong side,” she and Ali exchanged a grin. “And it's just so wonderful to marry two of my best friends, that I know are made of each other. I've seen them grow and become who they are, from kids to grown-up badass women, I've seen them fall in love with one another and fight for one another, and it's been a blessing to see that love grow in front of my own eyes. So congratulations girls, because you two are definitely soul-mates.”

“Thanks Hao,” Ashlyn chuckled at her and Heather smiled back.

“Although being just partners it's great, a marriage is a big step forward. It's the way our country and most of the world recognizes legally that you and your partner belong together, and gives you access to a wide range of rights and laws that protect that relationship, and that make it easy for one to be with their partner through the best and worst of their lives, and ensures that they can go to the end of the world for one another, because the laws will help them. Unfortunately, non-straight marriage has a short history in our country, as a lot of people still think that there is one love better than another, but today I'm gleeful to be able to unite you legally, as you should always be able to do. However, because this world and the Church still have a long way to go with non-straight couples, forcing us to not celebrate this beautiful day in the Church when both brides' families are Christian, I've decided to bring God into the ceremony by forming a text with parts from the Bible that I would like to read now. Because I think love should never be a crime, even less one often punishable by death, love should never be punished, and our God made this women to love each other and is proud by their love,” Heather cleared her throat and looked at her documents. Ali and Ashlyn exchanged a big grin as she read.

>> “My command is this: love each other as I have loved you. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart, and then you will win favour and a good name in the sight of God. Because God is love. Whoever lives in love, lives in God, and God in them. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Do everything in love.”

Everyone applauded at the reading and Ashlyn nodded in full agreement.

“Now, the brides' brothers and best men, Christopher and Kyle, would like to read something they've written together for their sisters, that they love so very much, and that as big brothers, always need to give a piece of advice.” Heather said.

Ashlyn and Ali turned surprised to look at the men, who stood up side by side with big smiles. Christopher pulled a paper from his jacket pocket and unfolded it for them both to read. Kyle, meanwhile, held a microphone between them, so everyone could listen.

“My beloved Alex,” Kyle read with an emotional voice, looking up to them every now and then, “for as long as I've known you, you've been strong, determined, assertive, caring, brave, a warrior, and a very independent one. You had no problem to leave it all behind for Frankfurt, year after year. You've never hesitated to fight for what you wanted most, and I've always admired that. However, I've also seen your romantic struggles, your difficulty for years and years to realize how much your extreme independence was sometimes carried on in spite of the woman you love. So now I want to simply tell you, don't screw this up,” there was some laughter, and he looked kindly at Ali, who smiled and nodded. “This is the dream. Trust me, this is it. This is bigger than World Cups and Olympics. Ashlyn is the most terrific person you're going to get, and she's worth being a little less independent for.”

“My baby shark,” Christopher said, eliciting a wave of hard laughter at the uncommon nickname. He smiled and went on, “you've always been the best I had. My most precious person, my best friend, my hero. You've always been so caring, so loving, and taken things straight to the heart. I remember you telling me how big of a crush you had on a teammate, a straight one no less, and I remember telling you that could never possibly end well. To forget her. To move on. And thank God you didn't listen, like you rarely listen to anything other than your heart, because I believe Ali is the greatest diamond you'll ever have. But I do want to warn you, now, it's time more than ever, to make sure things don't go straight to the heart so fast. Because marriage is hard, and although the right people makes it easy, it can still torn you to pieces if you take little offences too deeply. Remember to be forgiving, remember to see the best in the worst situations, and remember that if anything is worth fighting for, that's your princess right there.”

“Ashlyn, I want to tell you that I love you,” said Kyle, rubbing a tear off his eye. Ashlyn felt a knot in her throat and Ali squeezed her arm. She had waterproof make-up and was already letting one happy tear slide down her cheek, “and I admire you so much, and am so thankful that you choose to fight for my sister. I promise you she's worth it all. She's worth following around the world like you have, she's worth supporting like you've had, and she's the most gorgeous Queen, which is a nice trait as well,” Ashlyn grinned, nodding. “But I also want to tell you, between you and I, that I know fully well everything you've done, because you and Alex tell me it all, and that I see it and love you even more for it all. With you there, I knew I had nothing to worry about for a decade, and when I saw you fly all the way to Canada, even though you had rudely been kept away from the World Cup, even though you and Ali had, spoiler alert, broken-up, just because my sister had an ACL, I thought that simple act made you the greatest human being in any room. You gulped your pride, you showed-up, and I know you did what you did for the same reason you do everything; because you know love is bigger than resentment, pride, or being right. So now, in front of everyone, I just want to tell you a big, heartfelt thank you. If I could've made the ideal wife for my sister, I couldn't have come up with a more perfect person,” he stopped to blow his nose and rub his eyes a little. “Thank you for being you, for taking my sister as she is, for caring for her so well, for making me feel sure that she'll always be happy because you're there, and for being the extra sister I never knew I needed. You know you can forever count on me as well.”

Christopher grinned, patting Kyle's shoulder, and went on.

“Alexandra, sis,” he raised his eyebrows suggestively at Ali, making them laugh. “I must say I never expected my sister to end-up with a total Queen, and I must say at first, I underestimated you. But you had me at German fluency, shark attitude, and jaw-dropping smiles. When I looked at you for the first time I saw everything my sister told me about you and I could never blame her for the classic straight girl crush-,”

“Hey, she's taken!” Ashlyn joked, making the place break into laughter.

“I know! Which is why next I was going to say I'm so glad you turned-out to be straight as spaghetti,” the erotic connotation make everyone laugh again and Ali threw her head back laughing-crying openly, while Ashlyn laughed into her hand, covering her reddened face as she couldn't believe Chris had seriously made the wet spaghetti sexual reference in the middle of her wedding. Everyone was laughing by now, which was good, at least. “Anyway, Alex, sis... what I mean to say is, I never realized what my sister needed was you. And when I saw you two get your act together and be together and I saw my sister change so much, I understood it wasn't like she was becoming a stranger to be more likeable, it was that she was becoming who she was meant to be, who she always kept hidden inside, because now she had someone who showed her every day her true self was her best, most lovable self. I have to thank you for that. For loving her unconditionally even when she lacks a dick,” Ashlyn shook her head as everyone laughed again, embarrassed and amused at once, “even when she can _be_ a dick. For helping her figure herself out, for support her professionally when she's needed it the most, for taking her with the big baggage that us Harrises tend to have, with all of our typical mental health shit. Thank you for being a warrior for her as much as for yourself, and for making her your priority when for such a large part of her life, she was no one's priority enough. Thank you for loving all the things that make her so different, for having the gifted eyes to see this art piece and love her, and for also being a tremendous new sister for me. For ten years, you've made my family greater, and you've pushed us together to create tighter bonds and become a more united, better family. I can't wait to see what you do next, and I hope you know you can always count on me.”

  
  


 


	2. Prologue part 2: Extraordinary

“Now we're going to make a pause for the brides to get their act together,” Heather continued with a giggle seeing the mess of crying-giggling silly the future wives were. She gave them tissues for them to blow their noses and check the other's waterproof make-up was still standing, and then they smiled and gave thumbs up to show they were ready. They were lucky the weather was a shinning sun, so at least it wouldn't rain on them. “All right. Thank you Chris and Kyle for your beautiful words. Continuing with this ceremony, the brides wanted to tell each other a few words now, in the presence of their loved ones, witnessing this union.”

Kyle got up again and handed Ashlyn the microphone he had. The brides stood up to face each other and Ashlyn took a deep breath to prepare herself while holding Ali's hand.

“Babe,” she began, then snorted a laugh, “you know, I had this very well thought for weeks, and now these people have disarmed me a little,” she admitted, making Ali chuckle. “Truth is there is very little left to say when we've been together for so long, gone through so much and just become closer and closer. But I want to say thank you for the bottom of my heart for all these years of huge memories. For Logan, for our house, for you coming to Orlando with me, for all the things you decided weren't more important than us. I know giving things up it's not easy, but seeing how for you it was nothing because it meant we got to have all this, and that was bigger for the both of us... it's only made me realize how much you truly are the one, and I can't wait for a lifetime of golden memories with you. You, and only you, make me feel the most loved, the luckiest, the happiest, and I just want you to know that the best part of these nine years haven't been World Cups and Olympics. Hell, when I was sixteen I thought that'd be all that mattered, that those things were the big dreams... but with you I've realized that the biggest award life could possibly give me was a lifetime with you and our billion kids. You are bigger. You are worth everything. And I'm ready for it all. I'm not one bit scared, because I know I've got all I need right here... and I'm going to fight for it with everything that I've got. I'm here, for you, for our family, forever. I love you Alibean, like I never knew it was possible to love.”

Ali beamed at her, squeezing her hand softly. She accepted the microphone from her taking a deep breath.

“Mein Liebe,” Ali started once she felt ready, with her heart pounding strongly, “I've learnt so much about you, me, and us during these nine years, it's unbelievable. I think we can all agree that they've really been so wonderful, so full of ups and downs and so unbelievably amazing after all, which makes me so excited about sharing my whole life with you. I think I always was afraid of being the kind of wife who drops it all to be with someone. The wife who doesn't get to dream or have personal goals. And so I never wanted to give-up on anything, yet now... if you had told me a few months ago to give the World Cup up and start a family, I think I would have. Because with you, it doesn't feel like giving-up on anything, but like faster ways to get to more incredible experiences with you. You're my best friend, Ashlyn. You're my favourite person, and I can't put into words how overwhelmingly lucky and loved I feel every day I wake up in your arms, and I get to raise our Logan with you, and live this amazing life we've built together with you... it just feels like I'm winning the lottery on a daily basis. I know you're more vocal than I am, so I simply wanted to use this opportunity to tell you all of this, and how you, Ashlyn Harris... you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I thank God every night for believing in us and insisting that we'd be together, even when we couldn't see it ourselves. With you, I don't have to give-up on anything; I have all I need, and if I want anything else, you're always the first time to push me to get it, to have my own goals, to succeed in all I want, to be unapologetically me. So thank you for making life a constant source of magic and glee, for introducing me to feelings I had no idea one could feel, for inspiring me and making me better, for taking me as I am... and I promise you all I want is you, and I don't care if half world thinks that's wrong, because to me, nothing's ever felt so right. I love you, I love the plans we have ahead, the family we'll make, the A-Team we've become, and every time I walk by your side I know I'm walking the right path, with the right person, and that we're the strongest team of warriors together. I believe one day the entire world will get to discover what we know already, that our love is just as valid and magical as any other, but in the meantime... I'm ready to fight every battle with you, because what we have is worth any war. So here's to us, and to forever, and good luck to anyone who tries to separate us, because they stand no chance.”

“Thank you, that was lovely!” Heather continued happily. “A marriage, as most of us understand it, is a voluntary and full commitment. It is made in the deepest sense to the exclusion of all others, and it is entered into with the desire and hope that it will last for life. Before you declare your vows to one another, I want to hear you confirm that it is indeed your intention to be married today. Alexandra Krieger and Ashlyn Harris, do you both come here freely and without reservations to commit into a marriage with each other? Say I do if yes.”

“I do,” they both said at once.

“What a relief,” Heather joked, making everyone laugh. “So now, let's all stand-up for the vows and exchange of rings. You face each other, hold hands, and whenever you're ready.”

There was a small hustle as everyone stood up and Christopher moved the brides' chairs back a little, for them to not stumble against them, and Ashlyn and Ali faced each other holding hands, while Heather held the microphone in the middle for them. They had rehearsed this and the couple had agreed they'd say their own personalized vows written and memorized by themselves.

“I, Alexandra Blaire Krieger,” Ali started, beaming, “take you, Ashlyn Michelle Harris, to be my wife, to love you and to hold you, forever. I vow to care for you when you need it, to help you through every hard mountain of life, and encourage you in everything you want to accomplish. And I also vow to stand by you and support you in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, to never take you for granted, to always be here, loving you, respecting you, protecting you, cheering our for you, making you happy, honouring you, being lawful to you and fighting for us.”

The younger woman grinned like a fool, feeling herself becoming the happiest dork in the universe.

“I, Ashlyn Michelle Harris, take you, Alexandra Blaire Krieger, as my lawfully wedded wife, to love you and to hold you, and I hereby vow to be everything you ever need me to be. I vow to make you happy, to cherish you, to always be loyal and respectful, to do all that's in my power and more for you, to fight for us, to support you no matter what, and to stick around forever. I promise to be truthful, encouraging, respectful, caring, and that no matter what, no matter how hard life gets or how cloudy the day may seem, you will always have me to have your back and do it all for you.”

“Very well,” Heather nodded in approval, checking her papers. “Now we're going to proceed with the exchange of rings. A ring, like love, is an endless circle, a symbol and representation of your eternal love to each other and the commitment you're making today. These rings have been made specifically for these brides, plain gold bands with the initials of one in the other's ring alongside today's date, as a symbol of their precious and uncomplicated relationship, and as a reminder of this day and the one person they will always be able to count on. Girls, you know what to do.”

“Logan, come here love!” Ashlyn and Ali squatted and the room melted as they called their dog and covered her with kisses and petting, accepting her licking as they retrieved the rings and removed from her collar the lace that held them. Ashlyn quickly identified which ring was for whom and gave Ali one. They stood up and Ashlyn grinned smugly, gently taking her left hand and sliding the band in her fourth finger. “I give you this ring as a remembrance of the vows and commitment I make to you today, as a symbol of my love and lawfulness to you, and in hopes that it can always remind you I'm here for you, for the rest of time. I give you my heart and soul, and all that's mine, it's now yours.”

Ali was exuberant with happiness as she echoed her words while placing the other ring in Ashlyn's left fourth finger carefully. Then they each moved their engagement rings to sit next to their new wedding bands, as if sealing the day, and stood holding hands.

“Perfect! Now, by the power invested in me by the Internet and the State of Florida, I pronounce you, Ashlyn Michelle Harris and Alexandra Blaire Krieger, bride and bride. You may kiss!”

She hadn't even finished the sentence and Ali had propelled herself up using Ashlyn's shoulders and had jumped on her arms, kissing her intensely. Ashlyn reacted and held her with her arms around her hips as Ali cupped her face and kissed her for what was worth, smiling into the kiss as everyone applauded. As Ashlyn gently put her back on the floor, their lips pressed together again with urgency, sweetly and lovingly, before they separated at last.

“Now face your people,” Heather whispered, and blushing, they turned around with their hands intertwined, as everyone was standing up applauding and giving them expressions of pure glee and satisfaction. “Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I'd like to introduce you for the first time ever to Mrs and Mrs Alexandra Blaire and Ashlyn Michelle Krieger-Harris!”

. . .

After the ceremony, the wives went on to get many photographs taken around the area, at the lake, the secret garden, the forest, and even with Logan before Kyle took her home. They spent roughly an hour just walking around together, enjoying the semi-privacy and each other, being romantic and sweet and just being together while their guests were treated to cocktails and snacks before the reception.

“This is the best day of my life,” Ali declared as they sat on the lake pier with their feet hanging, and hugging each other as they contemplated the incredible landscapes and the photographer and video-maker did their thing. “It's been so sweet, and funny, and everyone's said such wonderful things... I didn't expect them to be so perfect.”

“Me neither, I'm amazed. I'm even more amazed I didn't completely lose my speech ability by looking at you, you look unreal, I mean, you've always been gorgeous, but—,

“I know what you mean. I'm swiped off my feet by you too. Utterly swoon.” They grinned at each other.

“I can't believe we made it. So many people dying for this kind of love, or being killed, or condemned, or tortured or repressed... I feel we're so lucky. And I never want to take this for granted.”

“Me too,” Ali nodded. “We'll fight for them, Ash. One day, we'll live in a better world and our children will be completely free to love. They'll never have to feel any less than the rest.”

“For now, I'm happy knowing we'll raise people who will build a better tomorrow. And no matter how hard things get, having you it's a great consolation.”

Ashlyn cupped her jaw in one big hand and leaned for a gentle kiss, that Ali corresponded, feeling like they were living their best dream ever.

The couple joined the others at the cocktails and snacks out in the garden, receiving numerous congratulations, hugs, kisses, sharing laughter and chatting, playing with the children, and goofing around until the reception came. There was one main round table for the brides, their parents, Ashlyn's grandparents, and their brothers, and then around it there were three long rectangular tables, one for soccer players, another for other family, and another for other friends, although everyone came and went between the tables chatting with each other.

“Mrs Krieger-Harris,” Ashlyn pulled Ali's seat to offer it to her, smiling sweetly at her.

“You sweetness, thanks,” Ali grinned sitting down, and the moment Ashlyn was next to her, she reached to squeeze her hand.

They had both already had one cocktail outside in preparation for the reception speeches. Before lunch was served, the brides' fathers stood up, being given a microphone. Because it was getting chilly outside, they were inside a big wooden room twith tall ceilings from from where hung at least a hundred little lights like stars in the dark, along with mistletoe, and all the tables had red and white roses. It was cute, cosy and lovely, with huge windows and heavy white curtains.

“Are you happy?” Ashlyn asked Ali covering her hand with her own over the table.

“More than I've ever been,” Ali couldn't stop smiling, feeling completely blissful and losing herself in Ashlyn's hazel eyes and dimpled smile every time. She felt like a teenager. The goalkeeper leaned to kiss her briefly and then their fathers stood up in their elegant suits and the murmur and chatter in the room ceased.

“Hello everyone, welcome. I'm Ken, Ali's father, and this is Ashlyn's Dad Mike,” the coach spoke, putting an arm around the other man and holding a microphone with his free hand. “As you know, it is traditional for the bride's father to speak at the reception, and since we're two this time around, we've decided to share duties.”

“We'll keep it short, because none of us are that good with words and our sons already have things in store,” Mike said then. “We just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for coming, for loving our girls, for helping out so much to get this ready before Christmas, and for being a supportive, caring group of friends and family.”

“For us that grew-up in a much different America where these sort of celebrations were illegal and there was, like there still is, a big stigma against everything that wasn't straight and, preferably, white. So for me it is the greatest honour to be the father of two amazing, very LGBT children, that make sure this world is better than the one I've known.” Kyle cheered for her father and Ali laughed, beaming at them.

“And because we're not ashamed, and we're proud, and we love you,” Mike took over, “we never want for the US to go back in time, and the mere thought that from now on you have to avoid certain countries because you might get killed just for love makes us sick. But we want to tell you we think you set the example for us. You're brave, you're strong, and if we're going to have our girls get in any trouble for anything, we're fucking proud it's for love, and you'll always have our full support to get in trouble for that.”

That earned a big applause from everybody, and then Ken continued.

“You're not kids anymore. Fight for this wonderful thing you've created because it's worth it, love over it all, and know we're here for anything you need.”

“Because Ken and I have agreed that now,officially and with the laws in our favour, we're one family. Krieger-Harris. And we have both of your backs no matter what. We love you. Now everybody raise the glasses up, and here's a toast to Ali and Ashlyn, may you be super happy forever!”

Everybody toasted and applauded again and Ashlyn and Ali ran to hug them both and thank them. Then, lunch started and all the tables filled with laughter and friendly conversation, everyone moving between tables to chat with everyone every now and then. Between the first plate and the second Ashlyn and Ali made sure to walk around hand-in-hand and hug everybody and have words with everybody, making sure every single person was having a good time. Afterwards, Kyle and Christopher stood up.

“Hello everybody, sorry to interrupt yet _again_ , but now that we're not starving, I thought it'd be a great moment for a best man speech, and we're two, so be patient and we promise to keep it short,” Kyle said with a warm smile.

“We'll try, let's just say,” Chris added, eliciting some giggling.

“First of all, we want to thank everybody again for all you've done, special kudos to Hao for preparing the whole ceremony, it's the first time for her, let's give her an applause,” Kyle said, and everybody obeyed enthusiastically.

“We also want to give a especial thanks to every teammate of our sisters in this room,” Chris added then. “For creating a positive environment at work, for taking care of our favourite people when we couldn't, for being the family away from home and making them feel at home every single time. An applause for them as well, right?” they obeyed as well, and Ashlyn moved to wink at her teammates, grinning.

“Also, I think it's okay to ask for one last round of applause for Tammye, Debbie, Mike and Ken, our parents, who kept organizing, planning and taking over when the brides were too busy winning the Olympics,” Kyle said rolling eyes in the end, eliciting laughter and applause.

“We're so terrible,” Ali admitted in a whisper to Ashlyn, who chuckled and nodded. Ali had her ring hand on her lap between her own, squeezing it gently.

“I remember,” Chris continued, “back in 2015, when gay marriage became legal across the US, I was asleep when it happened because I was travelling abroad for work and all tired and all, and then my phone wakes me up, and I normally ignore it, but when I saw it was Ash's ugly face on screen,” he joked, “I picked it up, and I remember being an ogre like 'this better be important'. And this woman starts yelling and all I could hear was 'I'm marrying Ali, I'm marrying Ali', like hysterical,” Ali looked at Ashlyn surprised, and smiled sweetly, kissing her cheek and leaning into her. Ashlyn put an arm around her happily. “Of course it didn't make any sense for me so I asked her the fuck she was talking about, and she gives me the big news, so we're both like so happy, I'm instantly awake and jumping up and down, I couldn't believe it. But then I thought, wait a moment, and I asked whether Ali had actually said yes already. Then my sister went and said 'no you silly, we're going to buy her a pretty nice rock, can you be in Florida in a week?'. We arranged it all, and bought the damn ring, and I say damn, because you really don't want to be there with Ashlyn when she buys anything for Ali. As a veteran, I can tell you that it's hell. Nothing is good enough. It's always like, 'but this doesn't look shiny enough', 'this isn't the right size', 'ugh, will she even like this?'. In this case, add 'is this rock big enough?'. Well I don't know sis, you want her finger to fall off?” they broke into laughter and Ali shook her head, laughing.

“You're so cute,” Ali told Ashlyn.

“For you? Anything.”

“If you think Ali was impatient making the rock video and waiting for her precious rock like an otter,” Chris added, continuing the giggles in the room. “Have you got any idea how _I_ was? Three years, and I was the only one to know and keeping the secret, you should be applauding me!” he joked grinning. Everyone was so amused with him, sniggering and openly laughing. “Every day I was like Ash, can you please? Like, the heck are you waiting for? But then again, any moment wasn't perfect enough. Sometimes, if she got concussed, I'd take advantage, go and be like hey Ash, remember you have to propose? But she was never so concussed or so tired as to forget it had to be absolutely perfect. Then she goes and improvises on a damn beach, and I seriously don't get it, I waited three years, she could've at least rented a cruise,” he added jokingly with a defeated tone, and everyone laughed hard. Ashlyn was positively red and crying of laughter by then. “So anyway,” Christopher smiled at the brides, “welcome to the family, Ali, I swear it's time already. And thank you, Ash, for finally ending my misery. Long life Krashlyn!” he added raising his glass.

Kyle rubbed laughing tears from his eyes and took over.

“Now I can't do it any better than that,” Kyle joked. “Well, I can tell you something. When we were little, I was the reason Ali did everything, because she was always following me around. So basically you owe me two World Cups,” he said, making them laugh again. “The best thing my sister ever followed me into, however, is not soccer. Is gayness. So now you better find me someone Ash, because I gave you it all!” Ashlyn cracked up throwing her head back in laughter, and so did Ali. “I remember meeting Ashlyn one time at one of the first games they played together in the National Team, and thinking, what a beautiful brick wall. And she didn't even play, but after the game I went to my sister and all the girls were around and my sister legit brought Ashlyn to me and said 'Kyle, let me introduce you to Ashlyn, the future US Women's Soccer's legend of goalkeeping. Corny as fuck uh?” they laughed once more. “Then, of course, I became a Youtuber and all of this, and I've just spent ten years being cornered by fans all the time about Krashlyn, and seeing photographs and videos... I swear there were days my sister had the face to deny it, and I was like 'don't tell me you don't like her, have you seen how you look at her here?'. And I won't say when they had their first kiss, but I will say that day Ali called me in a level of excitement that before I hadn't heard from her, ever. I almost want to laugh when I think of how much you've been casually following each other across the world pretending there was nothing going on, because let me tell you, either you were secretly together, or Ashlyn has a weird, sickening, stalking hobby,” he joked for their amusement. Kyle stopped for a moment, looked at the brides and smiled widely. “I'm just so happy to see you both so happy because you deserve this the most. I can't wait to see you grow wrinkly and grey and to become an uncle, so congratulations girls, I love you both. So Christopher and I have made you a bit of a present in the shape of the Krashlyn Fun Video, using footage both from the Internet, yours and ours,” the guests cheered and Ali and Ashlyn exchanged a look of horror, “we'll put it during the dessert for you to enjoy!”

Cutting the cake wasn't hard for two athletes. Ashlyn planted a firm hand on the knife handle and Ali put hers below, and they managed to cut a decent size. They took a spoonful each and feed it to the other between giggling, and then kissed obeying everyone's demands. When everybody sat down and had cake, the lights turned off, all except for a few little yellow lights hanging from the ceiling, and the curtains were closed, and on the biggest wall, the video Kyle had promised had projected. It used the song 'Walking the wire' by Imagine Dragons. First appeared a photograph of baby Ali in Kyle's arms, grinning big for such a small baby, which had the whole room awing. Then Ali as a toddler laughing wearing an oversized tee and sitting on the sand at the beach. Then Ashlyn as a much more serious little baby all blonde, then Christopher holding her on top of a skateboard when they were toddlers, making the guests laugh, and then it alternated between one girl and the other.

The video showed photographs but also videos of different moments of their lives as they grew-up. The first soccer games wearing too big uniforms, Ali playing basketball, baseball, volleyball and football, and Ashlyn playing football, surfing or doing fantastic skateboarding pirouettes from a very young age, them dancing, being with their families and friends. Almost always Ali was grinning big, and almost always Ashlyn was serious in concentration, which kind of fit who they'd grow-up to be, but both grinned big when there were awards in their hands, and even Ashlyn in one photograph where she was covered in mud from head to toe with big goalkeeper gloves in her hands. There was footage of all the big victories; the saves that made Ashlyn the star of both the U19 team and the New York Flash NWSL, or the goals Ali put right in the perfect moment, or her crying on her knees in Vancouver when she won the World Cup where months before she had sustained an ACL. Ashlyn was deeply touched, not just by remembering all those people in those moments with them and seeing their love, but also because getting to rewatch their lives like that, in fast speed, seeing all the good, she felt so lucky.

She knew, she remembered, that there had been many ugly moments in between. Sometimes they were hinted with photographs of them in crutches or in what they knew were hospital beds, but as the lyrics said, they were really 'walking the wire, we're gonna be higher up'. It wasn't many seconds until the footage and videos started showing them together in the same moments, gleeful and accompanying each other to all sorts of events, laughing together, dancing together at parties, being goofballs together, jumping on each other on the field celebrations. Then there was a photograph of them kissing in Stockholm, and Ashlyn knew Ali had taken that selfie and sent it to Kyle back in the day, there were Thanksgiving, birthdays, Christmases, various celebrations, them with other people's babies, them surfing together, Ashlyn showing Ali how to do skating, or Ali trying to teach Ashlyn some German and them both cracking up and just laughing like fools. Their engagement photographs, Ashlyn's billion haircuts, and finally, winning the World Cup and Ashlyn and Ali running to each other across the field, one from the goalposts and another from midfield, and Ali jumping in her arms as they both kissed for the first time in public, without giving a shit about anything. At last, there was a black screen and it said with white typing, 'Walking the wire from 2010 to the stars'.

Ashlyn heard Ali sniffle and looked down to see her grinning big and crying.

“What a perfect ride, uh?” Ali commented, her cake half abandoned. Ashlyn grinned.

“Absolutely,” she said, leaning to kiss her.

Their first dance was to Lady Gaga's 'Is that alright?', and they surprised their guests because they had been rehearsing for six months, and during the off-season even more intensely, and were such dancers by then. They danced romantically and lovingly for hours, at times alternating with party hip-hop music that had them going on frenzy, and overall, it was the best day of their lives.

. . .

The just-married couple arrived home late at night, their lips pretty much glued to each other. Ashlyn threw the flower crown away, burying her hands on her dark curls as they exchanged the most intense kisses ever, and Ali practically ripped her waistcoat open, desperately opening her shirt and sliding her hands over her tattooed torso as they stumbled into their bedroom.

The night had just begun.

  
  


 


	3. The fight

When January 2020 came, Ashlyn and Ali Krieger-Harris had been married for a total of two weeks. They had just won a World Cup and they were over the moon, not to mention that it was now an Olympics year in Tokyo, and it was very exciting. Ashlyn was hoping to get her first Olympics as an starter goalkeeper, with April Heinrichs as the new USWNT Head Coach after the Federation had been disappointed by Jill Ellis' tactics beginning the year before. Heinrichs had given them the World Cup, and was an exciting coach to have back, someone the team could learn a lot from. On the other hand, when Ali, who now had over 100 caps in the USWNT, had stopped being selected into the National Team years before, until Ellis had brought her back in 2019, Ashlyn and Ali had used that shitty situation to plan to get married and start a family. With one of them being home more, now it was a possibility, even more when it was Ali who they had agreed, would carry their first child. Those plans had been wrecked a little when she had returned to the National Team, but no one complained; Ali would do anything to get back on that team, and Ashlyn knew it. She knew Ali deserved a proper goodbye from the team, to get out on her terms, to get her 100 caps. But silently, she hoped Ali would use her chance to retire properly from the National Team, after the World Cup, in Abby Wambach's style, with thirty-five years and one last huge success. She hadn't said it, but she had hoped for it, because it would mean Ali was still dying to have a family with her, since biology wouldn't give them much longer.

And then, as the two lounged on the sofa one afternoon with Logan, Heinrichs had called Ashlyn to ask if she was available for soccer camp, as they had some friendlies at the end of the month. Ashlyn had been very excited about this, and then Heinrichs had asked her to pass the phone to Ali so she could talk with her as well. Advantages of being married, you could deal with two for the prize of one. Ashlyn had observed Ali speaking on the phone inwardly hoping that Ali would say 'sorry, but Ash and I were just going to start fertility treatments this month' or 'it'll be an honour, can we plan it for it to be my retirement match?'. The goalkeeper had already clenched her teeth when Ali hadn't spoken about retirement as the end of the World Cup neared, and now she feared it really wasn't going to happen, but was too afraid to say anything. She didn't want to lose Ali, and she was at odds with herself. She couldn't ask of Ali something she wasn't asking of herself, but someone had to retire if they wanted to start a family, even if they both remained in the NWSL, and Ashlyn was just beginning to become more essential in the USWNT, she was just beginning to really have a shared starting spot with Alyssa instead of always coming in second, she couldn't give up now.

“See you, bye!” Ali grinned, and handed Ashlyn her phone back. “So exciting, another camp together! Can't believe I'm getting another chance...” Ashlyn gulped. A knot had formed in her stomach. She felt terrible just by thinking of coaxing Ali to drop out, but at the same time, they should already be mothers. How much longer would they have to wait? They had already waited past their ninth anniversary to marry, and when November came they'd be in the 10th anniversary. How much more? “Are you all right babe?” Ali's expression had turned concerned, a hand moving to squeeze Ashlyn's, her eyebrows furrowing slightly. “You've gotten so serious suddenly.”

“I'm fine,” Ashlyn smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. “It's great to hear baby, I was just thinking of the season ahead. It'll be exciting.”

“Right?” Ali grinned widely. “I'm dying to win these Olympics with you this time, for the first time ever, you and I in front of the goal in an Olympics final, can you imagine?” Ashlyn's stomach dropped further. She was planning to continue all the way to the Olympics?

“Well, it's not hard to imagine,” the goalkeeper tried to make it sound less incredible, more dispensable. “If you think about it, we do that all the time, the fact that it's an Olympic only means a pretty medal.” Ali snorted a laugh.

“Are you joking? The Olympics! Who was so bummed about missing Rio a few years back, uh? I'm sure you'll get the chance now. Think about it Ash, the money, the prestige, the cache, having dates around Tokyo, and coming back as Olympic Winners once more. Not to mention all the honour that comes with it, how we'd put our feet in history so big... it's dreamy. It's every athlete dreams, it's the top of every athlete's mountain! It's way more than a pretty medal. And we'll celebrate my birthday there!”

Ali was absolutely right. The goalkeeper got chills just by thinking about standing in an Olympic field.

“But Alex...” Ashlyn decided she had to be honest and open, as always. That's how they stayed together a decade, and that's how they'd continue to be together. “Babe, I'm just confused. I thought you wanted to start the IVF treatments now, in the off-season from the NWSL? You know, so you could have the child early in the fall, get the off-season to recover, and be back next year in the NWSL fully recovered and ready. Did you change your opinion?”

The defender pressed her lips together and scowled, looking away.

“It's not that, Ash...” she sighed. “It's just... I can't say no to the Olympics. We could... we could do it after the Olympics. It can wait a year more, I just won't get another chance at the Olympics, Ash... you understand, right?” she looked hopeful at her. “You have to get it better than anyone else, right?”

But Ashlyn looked away, frustrated.

“I thought we had a deal. We talked about this long and thorough for years. When did you make this decision? You never even thought of asking your wife first?”

“Babe, I just didn't know how to bring this up, I'm sorry, we were so busy with the wedding and I...” Ali sighed, reaching a hand to hold her arm. “Ash, please. Just one year more, it's all I'm asking.” At least she wasn't asking Ashlyn to retire for her.

“Sure, Alex? Because for several years, we said this year. Like, over two years and we said it. Now you say one more, but what if next year April calls you for the She Believes? For the Algarve Cup? Will you be able to say no?”

“Yes, of course, we'll have the family we've dreamed of for so long.”

“I'm sorry Ali, but I can't quite believe you right now,” Ashlyn stood up, shaking her head, and sighing deeply. She used to be such an angry person in her youth, but ever since Ali came into her life, that had been gone and over with. Still, she struggled to deal with her emotions and now she was trying hard not to raise her voice in indignation.

“You want it written on a contract or something?”

“Maybe, yes,” Ashlyn faced her with frustration written all over her face. “Look, if I could, I'd carry all of our children myself, but we both know I've got two ACL surgeries, plus hip surgery, God knows what a pregnancy will do to me, it's very likely I can never play soccer again after that, I can't bounce back as quickly as when I was younger and by the time I did that, I'd be too old. Which is why we agreed that I'll play a few more years, get the chances you've gotten and I was stripped off through surgeries and Hope Solo's shadow, and in three, four years I promised to retire and continue growing a family that was supposed to have started by then. We both want a big family, we always said so, and I'm more than willing to bring in the last few kiddos. But you had to start this year, so we don't become mothers at forty, so you're still at the age when you can bounce back and keep playing,” she was rambling now and Ali observed intently. “That way you could still remain in the NWSL for a few years more, because if you wait more, you'll be too old for that, goalkeepers can play while being older, but there hasn't been one defender in the US history that could play at—,”

“Rampone played until she was around forty,” Ali argued, still scowling. “In the National Team, and until three years ago she was still in the NWSL, over forty. And she has two daughters. I could do the same.”

Ashlyn did her Math with her fingers and then puffed in frustration.

“And she already had one child with our age,” Ashlyn said at last. “And if you want to do what she did, then that's not what you're telling me. You're saying next year, but that's not what Christie did, so tell me, what do you want to do, for real? No idealizing, no saying what I want to hear, tell me the offer that you're actually willing to fulfil, without coming the day and you changing your mind.”

Ali shrugged, slumping her shoulders and looking down. She hated arguing with Ashlyn. In the past, they argued a lot, and even broke up a few times, but that was when they were young and playing outside the country. Ever since, they barely fought or argued. She decided to be fully honest with herself and Ashlyn.

“I want to do the Olympics, start trying for IVF right afterwards, then bounce back and hopefully be able to return to both USWNT and NWSL. And then in a couple years,I'll be thirty-eight, so I could retire from the National Team and do IVF again, have baby number 2. And if I'm still fit afterwards, then continue in the NWSL, otherwise retire from that as well and look for another job, we're doing some modelling now, so there's always that, right?”

Ashlyn's eyebrows rose to her eyebrows and her jaw dropped.

“You are f- kidding me, right?” Ashlyn dead-panned. “Ali, how are we going to care for a child with the two of us both in the National and local teams? Did you think about that?”

“Same we do with Logan, get a nanny or—,”

“A baby is not a dog!” there it was. Ashlyn had finally raised her voice and they shared a stern glance for a moment.

“I know a baby is not a dog, but there are great nannies out there if we're out two or three days, and let's be honest Ash, the Pride takes us out of home way more often than the National Team, and we can always carry our baby with us, the teams have always been fully supportive with mothers and their children, they have great caretakers. Our baby will be so young, it won't even realize! We could always adopt so we can keep playing as well, so—,”

“Oh for fucks sakes!” Ashlyn shouted, puffing deeply and turning around, pacing around the room. “None of this, absolutely none of this fits inside what we've spent a decade planning, Ali!”

Logan got up from the sofa, where she had been napping, and ran away. Ali bit her lip and nodded.

“I never thought I'd get another chance, I'm sorry.”

“So you're going to play until your body literally breaks, Ali? To be like Christie Rampone?” Ashlyn growled frustrated. “You're willing to forget everything we planned, everything we dreamed of, and break your body for this? Is that how important damn soccer is for you?”

“Isn't it for you?”

“No more than my family, damn it!”

“Then why don't you retire now? If it's so easy, if family is more important than anything...”

“Because I'm not ready! Because for a decade, we planned I wouldn't retire until I was thirty-seven at the very least, and I'm thirty-four, this wasn't supposed to come so soon, and I'm team captain and for the first time ever, starting keeper in true alternation with Alyssa, half and half, nothing less! I've never been in such good moment in my professional career, you have, you've touched the damn sky and now you're just being greedy, and you know what, when you're forty and you retire, you still have to get a job and good luck finding a job at forty and starting all over with your professional career!”

“Then we adopt! We could, we adopt a child of two or three years, and then—!”

“Stop talking about children as if they were toys or hamsters!”

“I know fully well what they are!”

Ashlyn clenched her teeth and decided she had it, and she was leaving. She walked over to the hall to get her jacket, and Ali seemed to predict her intentions, running after her.

“Where do you think you're going? You can't leave mid-argument.”

“Why talk about this anymore?” Ashlyn snapped. “We talk, and then you do the hell you want. Just like you left for Frankfurt and for DC, you always do the hell you want and I follow you around, so why fight? We both know what'll happen in the end.” Shaking her head, she opened the front door and left without giving her a second glance.

Ali pressed her lips together and took her house keys and her coat, walking after her and locking the door behind herself.

“You're being an unfair hypocrite, you know?” Ali retorted, quickly walking through the garden after her. “You ask of me what you wouldn't ask of yourself!”

“I always do what I say I will do, all I'm asking is for you to do the same, for me to be someone in this relationship, for our conversations to mean something to you!” Ashlyn shouted, not turning around and going towards their garage. “I wouldn't have had to say anything if you weren't as thick as two short pl—,”

“We'll have a child after the Olympics, all right?! We'll do it! I swear to God!”

Ashlyn stopped abruptly and turned around, and the defender almost collided with her, so fast she was walking. She looked up at Ashlyn, but her eyes weren't filled with relief, but with disappointment.

“Why have a child if it's not what you want in your heart?” Ashlyn murmured. “It's stupid to go on with plans when you'd much rather have something else. And no, Ali, I'm not willing to have any child until one of us is out of the USWNT, I simply won't.”

“Why? I don't really see any valid reasons why... so many of our friends have done it...”

“All of our friends who did it had husbands with steady jobs that allowed for them to be with their children daily, save for Sydney, and she's barely touched the field with the National Team in years, but she's way younger than us, than you. Alex, I don't want to be the mother who depends on third people to raise her children all the time because both parents work so hard. I want for my children to have more time with me, at least with you, than I ever spent with my own parents because they worked full days and nights, and I don't want them to follow me across the globe all the time.”

“There aren't so many National games out of Olympics and all that, Ash. We wouldn't be out with them so much, the NWSL would take us out more often, don't you see? And we have family so close, to look after our child. What I mean to say is what difference would it make if one of us wasn't a national player? With the NWSL, we travel all the time across America, the both of us.”

“Yes, but the trips are also shorter, we don't have camps, we have more time in between away games, and we can take our kids with us for that because it's just a one day, or two days trip. Not weeks. Not several days. And we're only going away for a game and back, not for whole trainings and whole international duty process, it's different, it's more bearable.”

“Look, Ash... we'll figure it out. We both agree, and it is in my heart, that we could have a child after the Olympics. I swear, I'm ready and I want this,” Ali took her hands in hers. “The moment we put our feet home afterwards, we'll go to the clinic and start the process, I swear. I truly want it. And then, for at least nine months plus maternal leave, I won't even think about international duty, and what happens afterwards... we'll think about it afterwards, when, hell, if, I'm fit to be back. Like you said, Syd has barely played with the US since Cash, so maybe it'll take me longer to be fit, and by then I'll want another child so it won't be worth it and I'll just have to retire. And if it comes to that point, I'll do it, because our family matters to me. It really does matter.”

Ashlyn looked down and retired her hands from Ali's with a pang in the stomach.

“Problem is, Ali, I don't know if I can believe you or they're just empty words once again. For years, you made me think our life would be one way and now suddenly it all changes and... this is not what I signed up for. I'm sorry.” Ali's eyes filled with tears.

“This is it? You want a... a divorce?”

“Of course not, Ali, ten years together don't just end like that,” Ashlyn shrugged. “I just... I need to be by myself for a while, okay? I need time to think. I'll see you tonight.”

She turned around, and walked to the garage, opening the main big door.

“I love you!” Ali shouted with a shaky voice, but Ashlyn got into her car, and shortly after, was gone.

  
  


 


	4. Pick your team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the reviews! feel free to make any suggestions for future krashlyn fics

**Chapter 4: Pick your team.**

When Ashlyn came back, seven hours and a half later, she was quite drunk and she found the house in silence and darkness. It was past eleven thirty, so she imagined the girls would be in bed and walked over to the kitchen, surprised to find a plate of steak, Ashlyn's favourite, with two leaves of parsley on top and sauce underneath, looking like those plates from the magazines and kitchen shows, sitting on the kitchen island. Next to the dish there was a post-it note with the message 'I'm sorry. I love you.'. Ashlyn sighed feeling a bit guilty, and touched the steak. It had gone cold, and she had already eaten, so she put it in the fridge, and went over to their bedroom.

Logan's snores could be heard from the corridor, and when Ashlyn entered their bedroom, she saw the dog was on the feet of the bed, with Ali curled up in her side. Ashlyn walked to the en-suite bathroom, got changed into her pyjamas, and walked over to the bed, sliding under the duvet. She stared at Ali's back for a long moment. She could hear her deep breathing, slow and profound, and knew she hadn't woken up. She hated arguing with Ali, and hated even more than after over seven hours, she hadn't been able to find a solution, but she knew one thing for sure and that was that she was so in love with her, even if she drove her crazy and she was mad at her at the moment.

After a moment of thought, Ashlyn pushed herself closer to Ali, carefully moving her long dark hair away so she didn't have it on her face, and put her big left hand with her wedding band on it, on top of Ali's hip for a second, before sliding it down to her belly, pressing her full front against her back. She pressed a kiss just behind Ali's ear.

“I love you too.”

When the morning came and Ali woke up in an empty bed, she was scared Ashlyn hadn't come back, and ran to the kitchen without even washing her face, finding Ashlyn cooking in the kitchen.

“Morning,” Ashlyn gave her a small smile, “why that face of surprise?”

“I... you're here!”

“Of course. I recall buying this house for close to half a million. You okay?”

“I woke up, you weren't there, I thought... I thought you didn't come back.” Ali bit her lip. Ashlyn turned the stove to a minimun potency and walked over to Ali, wrapping her arms around her and kissing the top of her head.

“I never, no matter how pissed off I am, will go and vanish. That's not me. I said I'd be back, and I'm home. I just got up early to make you breakfast.”

“You're making me breakfast?” Ali looked up at her, even more surprised. “Why?”

“Why?” Ashlyn snorted. “'Cause I love you.”

“But I made you angry.”

“Which doesn't stop me from loving you. Otherwise I wouldn't be on speaking terms with half my family,” Ashlyn pulled apart just enough to look at her properly and smiled small. “Oh, no mascara? Yay, so I can kiss you without getting make-up all over my lips!” she pressed a full kiss against her cheek, so hard it almost hurt. Ali grinned, moving to catch her lips the next time, and they made out for a while.

“Are you still angry at me?” Ali put her arms around her neck, pressing their foreheads together.

“I'm not angry, I'm...” she sighed. “Irritated, annoyed... but not angry, and I'm sorry I yelled, you know how much I hate yelling, I shouldn't have...”

“I deserved it.”

“You never deserve yelling, Alex, unless I found you in our bed with someone else or unless we're on the field, in which case I yell by default.” Ali side smiled sadly.

“I'm sorry. I know I disappointed you, I know I said one thing for years and now suddenly changing my mind... I know it's not right. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. Let's just eat for now and then... we'll see what solution we can find. Together.”

Ashlyn walked back to the stove, flipped the bacon, and put it into two plates, already filled with two eggs each. She filled two glasses with home-made juice, and they sat around the kitchen island to eat. They ate in silence, with Ali yawning a few times, as if she hadn't slept well. Then, Ashlyn offered to wash the dishes while Ali went to wash her face and put her mascara on, moment in which she considered herself ready for the day, and only when that was done did they sit to chat, picking two chairs around their big table for eight so they could face each other.

“Ashlyn,” Ali started, intertwining her fingers over the table, “I know this wasn't the plan, but life changes, okay? We plan, and then sometimes, things change and plans have to change, and I'm sorry, I know it's unfair for me to do these things, but things have changed. A few years ago I was practically kicked off the National Team, we both knew I was most likely not to get any more time there, it's not my fault that the minute we announce the engagement they are suddenly interested again. And I cannot throw away this opportunity. Family is still my main priority, and I'm providing for one, all right? We have plenty of money now, but maybe not forever, and I'm providing, so we can send our kids to uni in twenty years or so, when our situation is completely different. And I'm being ambitious, and maybe selfish, fine, but I swear it'll be the last Olympic and I'll retire just like Abby, in some friendly planned for that after the Olympics. I mean, I'd do it at the Olympics, but I think the protocol there doesn't quite allow for retirement games. One game after the Olympics, period. And then I'll have our child and I'll stay in the NWSL for maybe a couple years more. If you don't want to do the family thing with both of us in the USWNT, we won't okay? I'll retire, I want this family more than soccer, I'm happy to do that.”

“For real? You say this and you will stick with this, no changing your mind anymore?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I promise.”

Ashlyn gave her a circumstantial look.

“I want you to pick your phone and tell April, right now,” she said at last. “Because otherwise... unless I see actions that support your words, they're just empty words and they're not enough for me anymore. And I can't wait six months, I'm sorry.” Ali looked at her intently for a moment, and then nodded.

“Let me just get my phone.” Ali walked over to their bedroom, took her phone, and determined, walked back to her seat, sat down, and hit April's contact. “Hi April, good morning, it's Ali Krieger here. I'm fine, you? Good... listen... I was calling you because I need to tell you something important, and the sooner the better. It has been a huge honour for me to play for the national team so many years, I trust you know it but... I'd like to play at the Olympics, just one last Olympic, you know? If you'd have me. Because thing is, I want to retire from the national team afterwards, and I'd like to go with a bang, then... just have one of those friendlies and do the retirement protocol there, so we don't disturb the normal functioning of Olympics.” Ali shut up for a while and nodded as she listened to April. “Yeah... well, thing is, Ash and I are married now, and we want to start a family and... well, we want for one of us to be out of USWNT as we have children, so they're at least with one of us, instead of separated from both of us so frequently. And Ashlyn... I want for her to have the chances I've had. She's worked so hard, and of course whether you call her in or not depends on her performance and all, but I'd like for her to stay as long as you'll have her, for her merits, for her hard work, for her talent. I don't want for her to be the one goalkeeper in the last decade or so to leave the National Team without being starter in Olympic games, with so little caps... so I'm stepping back. Is the right thing to do for us. Yeah... yeah, thank you. Oh and, by the way, can you get things done so I can play with my married name this year? Yeah, it'd be so great. Thank you. Bye.” She hung up and put the phone on the table. “Done. I told you,” she smiled at Ashlyn, “I'm team Krieger-Harris.”

Ashlyn grinned in disbelief.

“I can't believe you just did that. The commentators are going to be so confused.”

“Why?” Ali asked. “You're Harris 24, I'm Krieger-Harris 11.”

“No. You're Krieger-Harris 11 and I'm Krieger-Harris 24. I emailed April and Marc Skinner last night, bet she didn't see it yet.” Ali grinned in surprise.

“Did you, for real?”

“Yeah... because I thought... that way, no matter how long you play, there will be a Krieger on the field for a bit longer.”

“Oh, Ash...” Ali was deeply touched by the thought, and Ashlyn was deeply amazed by her wife's actions as well. They looked at each other with happiness and awe, and then Ali got up and walked over to her, turning her chair to face her and kneeling in front of her grabbing her hands. “You're the love of my life, okay? And from now on, our team goes first. I'm done changing plans at the last minute, promising things that won't happen, or running across the ocean when least expected. I'm here, with you, forever, and I mean it.”

The goalkeeper looked smug for a moment, then stared sweetly at her, her wooden brown eyes nailing into the famous, tiger brown eyes, cupped her face between her big eyes, and kissed her sweetly.

  
  


  
  


 


	5. A fallen soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING character death

**Chapter 5: A fallen soldier.**

The next day, the couple was rolling in bed during morning sex session, both nude, kissing and hugging each other. They were just so happy and complete, so cheerful, and wanted to celebrate properly, when then Ashlyn's mobile rang as it sat charging on her bedside table.

“Ignore it, just ignore it, right there baby...” Ashlyn threw her head back as Ali's finger found _the_ point, and her teeth scratched her neck softly, avoiding marks. “Fuck yes...” her phone continued to ring until voice-mail, but after a few minutes it was ringing again, and Ashlyn puffed, moving a hand to check the caller ID. She saw it was her Dad. “Wait, Al, it's Dad...”

“So? You talk, I'll do my thing.”

“Oh you naughty girl...” Ashlyn chuckled at her and took a deep breath before answering the call, prepared to hold back any moans while Ali bit her earlobe. “Hi Dad, how are you?”

“Ash, sweetie,” Curtis Mike Harris was always a put together man, but on this occasion, Ashlyn quickly detected his voice was breaking, and he finally let out a sob. “I'm sorry, oh, Ash...”

“Dad?” Ashlyn pushed Ali aside a bit too harshly and sat up, throwing her legs over the side of the bed to plant her feet on the floor. “Everything okay Dad?” Ali scowled and sat next to her, observing attentively.

“Sweetie... it's your brother.”

“What's wrong with Christopher?” Ashlyn frowned, her heartbeat fastening in her chest, and Ali took her hand softly between hers.

“He... he had a relapse...” Mike spoke hoarsely.

“A relapse? Is he at the hospital? How is he?”

“No... Ash...” Mike took a deep breath to calm herself. “Ashlyn, sweetheart, your brother has died. He didn't overdose, but the doctor said after such a long period of absence, his body got unused and what he could've handled before... it killed him. It was an accident. I'm so sorry honey.”

“Christopher is dead?” Ashlyn muttered in disbelief. Ali's hands instantly flew to her mouth on instinct and her eyes widening staring at Ashlyn, her own heart beating like mad.

“Yes, honey. Your Mum already knows, the family is taking care of her, and I'm doing the paperwork. We'll... remember when he said when he left he wanted us to throw his ashes to the ocean, do something nice? That's what we'll do. We'll cremate him tomorrow, the appointment is at 10, I'll send you the address in a text. And then... we'll pick a day you're free with soccer and everyone is available, and we'll do it bloody nice, uh? We'll get your Uncle's boat, he's already offered.”

“Dad...” Ashlyn blinked away her suddenly blurry vision and realized her voice sounded hoarse. “When did he die?”

“Overnight... he must've had a breakdown or something, he didn't call anyone. I got the call at nine and immediately phoned your Mum. He uh... he didn't show to work so they phoned home and of course, he didn't pick-up, so a work-mate friends of his got worried, and asked their boss permission to go check on him. He had spare keys for emergency situations and when Chris didn't open the door, he went in and... he found him, he said he looked asleep and just... the EMTs could only confirm it. I called you as soon as things were were being handled properly, there's so much to do...”

Ashlyn was astonished. The man had just lost his son, something no parent should ever have to live, and maybe he was just being strong for her, maybe he was just in shock, but she admired his strength terribly.

“I'll pack my things right now, and I'll be right there. Don't worry about fucking soccer, Dad. I'll help you with everything.”

“Okay, thank you darling. I can always count on you.”

“Of course. I love you Dad.”

“Tell him I love him too,” said Ali, who was hugging Ashlyn.

“Ali's here. She heard, she sends her love.”

“You're both the sweetest, love you both. See you soon, I'm at your Mum's house in Laurel Street.”

“Okay. See you soon.” Ashlyn hung up and dropped the phone on the bed next to them. “Dad sends his love. The cremation is at ten tomorrow morning, and we'll throw his ashes in the ocean during the weekend, probably, since most people are in Christmas holidays still. I have to go to Satellite now and help my parents with everything.”

“ _We_ have to go to Satellite,” Ali corrected, kissing her cheek. Her voice was also emotional. “Let's shower and I'll phone my parents and Kyle. They'll want to come... if that's all right.”

“Of course,” Ashlyn nodded. “It'd be sweet of them. You all knew him.”

“What happened, Ash?” Ashlyn looked at her and sighed.

“He relapsed overnight. He called no one, he didn't seek help... he took what he thought was just a bit, but his body had grown unaccustomed to it and... it was enough. A friend found him this morning.”

“Jesus Christ...” Ali bit her lip. “He was just with us at the wedding, a best man and all... he looked happy.”

“One low moment is enough. If he had called me, I would've driven there overnight, I would've called the whole family to run to his house... but he didn't,” Ashlyn took a deep, shaky breath. “And it was just his birthday next month. Thirty-seven.”

“Fucking shit. I'm so, so sorry. If it was Kyle... I don't know. Hell, Chris. Our Chris.” Ashlyn nodded.

“Let's go. We have to move babe.”

In the shower, they hugged and Ali cried, because she had thought she'd be broken if it was Kyle, it could've been Kyle, but then realized, it was still her brother. It was a different, not as close relationship, but only then did she realize the feeling was pretty equal. And she hurt for her wife, for her in-laws. So she cried, and Ashlyn held her and understood she understood things as well.

For the first time, save for occasions in which one of them was concussed, the drive was silent. They had left Logan at Alex's house, telling her what had happened, and Alex promised to inform the team and care for the dog. Ashlyn knew their teammates wanted to be there as well, but begged Alex to tell everyone who mentioned it not to, that she would tell her family their intentions, but that the amount of stars would attract paparazzi, and if one of those appeared at her brother's funeral she may just kill them.

Ali offered to drive, but Ashlyn insisted. She knew Florida better, and she needed a distraction, or else she'd break, and she couldn't, not yet. Not until her brother had been taken care of properly. She had packed her best black suit with her only silk black tie, her best grey shirt, and had the bracelet of a leather plaid her brother had made her in their teens in her wrist. It was a bit small and it put a bit too much pressure, being elastic, but Ashlyn couldn't care less. Ali, on the other hand, had packed a simple but pretty black dress, with black boots, black thighs and black jacket, and had realized she wasn't equipped enough for funerals, but it'd do for this one.

Since she wasn't driving, she called her mother then, in the car.

“Hi Mum.”

“What's wrong sunshine?” Ali raised her eyebrows at her mother's ability to decipher with just hearing her say hi.

“I need you to pack your things and head to Satellite Beach. Mum... Ashlyn's brother has passed away.”

“What?”

“Drugs, it's pretty terrible so... I think we should support the family with all we've got. Can you call Dad and I'll call Kyle?”

“Sure thing, Jesus... how's Ash? What a stupid question...”

“No, she's... well, driving. Holding up. Her Dad is handling things and we'll help him out.”

“Poor family...” Debbie's voice sounded sad and emotional and she took a deep breath. “Give them my love. I'll call your Dad right now and pack my things and head over.”

“Okay, thanks. Wait, Ash, which address to I give my family? As a meeting point, they can find a hotel...” Ali knew Ashlyn's family was humble and lived in small, one-storey houses with only one, two bedrooms at most, sometimes three, if lucky. It was one of the reasons why their house was one-storey, because it reminded Ashlyn of her childhood home.

“My Mum's house in Laurel Street,” Ashlyn said with a shaky voice. If it wasn't an hour and a half drive only, Ali would insist in substituting her. She knew the way and they had GPS, after all. “It'll be meeting point for now, Dad's there.”

“Mum, Laurel Street, Satellite Beach. When we get there I'll send you the exact point in the map where we are.”

“Google says it's an almost four hour drive,” said Debbie. “It'll take me a bit but I'll be there today, Google says flights are even longer.”

“Thank you Mum. Love you bye.”

“Bye honey.”

Ali took a deep breath and checked on Ashlyn, squeezing her thigh softly.

“Mum says she loves you.” Ashlyn nodded, squeezing her hand back briefly. “She'll arrive sometime this afternoon or evening, depending on traffic, and get Dad. He'll probably fly from DC and take about the same time... and I think Kyle was in New York with some project, so he should need about as much. Hopefully everyone will be here by dinner time. And they know hotels from the last time they came around, so that's sorted.” Ali felt good feeling useful.

“Thank you, Alex,” Ashlyn nodded again. “It's okay, whenever they arrive is good. Probably better this evening anyway, so things are calmer home.”

The Northerner hummed in agreement, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

“I love you so much. If you ever feel like taking Adderall, you'll tell me, right?”

“Yeah. I wouldn't want to appear dead and miss out on our kids. Maybe that was his problem. He lived alone. Maybe he felt lonely.”

“Maybe. I'll call Kyle, okay?”

“Please do, yes.”

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love Chris Harris, (don't know him, but I'm sure he's a lovely man) but I'm also a cruel writer. Nothing personal against him!


	6. Family

**Chapter 6: Family.**

The whole family reunited for dinner at Tammye's small but cosy, warm house, and despite the sad day, everyone tried to keep their most cheerful vibe, even if for some that, at this point, was very little. Tammye for example was completely broken, and her daughter and ex-husband sat at each side of her to keep her eating and okay. Ashlyn's maternal and most favourite grandma sat next to her, and the rest of the table filled with the Kriegers and the Habovicks, plus Ashlyn's dear friend Jamie Tworkowski, and the family friend Liz Clabaugh.

“Thank you for handling things Mike, even without my help,” Tammye thanked her ex, barely touching her dinner. Even though their divorce had been the ugliest, driving their children further into messes, they had in the recent years reconciled and were friends and visited each other with some frequency.

“I'll always take care of our family, and that includes you, so eat. Last our daughter needs now is a mother in hospital with malnutrition,” Mike smiled kindly at her and she returned a small smile.

“He was just so young... and he lived only two streets away, if I had just...”

“No, no, no,” Ashlyn cut her firmly. “Stop it right there.”

“But I'm his Mum—,”

“So?” Ashlyn turned to face her, putting a hand on her back. “Mum, Christopher,” she always loved his full name more, “he's fought this for over twenty years, and we've helped him through for over twenty years, getting all of us into drugs in the process. We have done every single thing that could be done, and he fought so hard, but we all know sometimes it's just not enough. There was nothing else for us to do. He should've called someone, he should've gotten out of here like I did because the bastards who sell are still around and we know where they hang out far too well for temptation, but he did none of that and now he's death and if you have to blame someone, then you should blame the criminals out there who didn't tell him his life mattered more and refused to sell to him.”

“Ash's right, Aunty,” Cassidy, who had done drugs herself as well, reached a hand across the table to squeeze her favourite aunt's one. “You did it all, don't feel so guilty.” Tammye closed her eyes and shook her head.

“If I had made sure your childhood was better, he would've never gotten himself into that. If we hadn't been so poor,” Tammye sobbed supporting her face on her hand. Ali observed filled with sadness, “if we had done something, anything, to make you happier...”

“We were happy,” Ashlyn assured, caressing her hair lovingly.

“Oh, come on,” Tammye snorted, “don't lie to your mother. You got in more fights than anyone I've known, and your brother smoked like a truck. All those shit companies you two got, all the trouble.”

“Fine, it sucked. But Mum, who's to say had it been different Chris would be alive? You don't know that. Look at Kyle here,” she pointed to her brother-in-law. “He had it better, and became alcoholic. And Hollywood is full of celebrities who grew up in luxury and had everything they could've possibly wanted, and died out of drugs or alcoholism or both, if not end-up in prison. And you must've done something really good, you know? Because look at us. Maybe Chris is dead, but up until yesterday you had two children who went through hell but came back, got sober and became successful adults. Christopher landed that awesome job at the airport, he got paid a bunch, and he had a gorgeous house, who would've thought he started rock bottom? We did what we did because we've had great parents, and if ultimately he didn't make it... hey, it happens. This time it was his turn and it sucks but... God knows drugs take away good people every day in the stupidest of ways.”

“There was this singer and actor, Canadian,” Cassidy commented softly. “He did drugs when he was younger, but then he was like thirty or something, and he had become this successful actor, he was a drummer in a band and everything, and was with this girl that there's a rumour they were engaged. Everyone said he was the sweetest, kindest, gentlest and most generous soul, but one day he went back home to see his Mum, was left alone in an hotel room, and did just like Chris. The autopsy said it was a small dose, nothing that could've killed him, hadn't he been sober many years. It happens, Aunty. Sucks, but happens.”

“Yeah,” Mike patted Tammye's back. “He was a good boy,” he rubbed his eyes, “he probably thought just a bit wouldn't hurt, he probably wasn't even upset. His friend said there was no alcohol around, just this tiny little bag of heroin. He didn't like, completely breakdown or anything, it was just an accident. That's why he probably didn't call us, because he didn't think it was just a big deal. He was a very happy person, Tammye, I'm sure. He's had the best mother.”

“Ash,” Tammye looked at her daughter, “would you do me a big favour?”

“Anything, Mum.”

“You said you know who sells—,”

“I've got some idea, that's all...”

“Well... would you tell the police? Because I don't want... I don't want anybody else here to lose a son out of this. And I don't want to lose you either if you ever...”

“I was addicted to Adderall, Mum. Not heroin. You can sleep tight at night, won't happen.”

“Still. Chris should be the last one here. He would've wanted to save the other kids, help them. He always tried.”

“I'll tell the police what I know, Mum,” Ashlyn promised. “But they already know. They're always the same people, but they never get enough evidence to put them out for good. Go to jail two weeks and they'll be back. And we've got no proof they sold Chris this time.”

“We'll try. We have to. I'm going to head to bed, I'm tired.”

There was a general murmur of goodnight and Tammye left for her bedroom. Ashlyn gave her Dad an inquisitive look and he shook his head.

“No worries, I registered the whole house already,” he said.

“Good,” Ashlyn nodded. “Have you got the keys to Chris' house? I should take a look, see if he left any important paperwork.”

“Police has it closed,” Mike explained, shaking his head. “They're investigating who sold him, checking the house for evidence to see if the seller was there, those things. They said it'd be a week or so. I already took the papers, they're in his old room here. Did you check your calendar, any idea when we could finish this?”

“This weekend, if it's okay with you and Mum. Dad, I told you, soccer cannot matter less right now. I thought the faster we do this, the faster we can move on.”

“Absolutely right,” Mike nodded. “Thanks, I know how important the National Team—,”

“Since when is a game more important than family, Dad?”

“Yeah... yeah, you're right.” Ashlyn nodded and got up as well.

“I'm heading out as well, Dad, I'll get up early and make sure everything is ready.”

“Thanks honey.”

“Goodnight everybody.”

“Goodnight!”

“I'll join you in a bit babe,” Ali accepted a kiss on the cheek and saw her wife disappear into the house.

“We can help with anything as well, Mike,” Debbie, Ali's Mum, offered, her meal half untouched. Mike nodded thankful, rubbing his eyes for a moment.

“Thanks, Debbie, although I think most of the stuff now is just paperwork. Selling his car, his stuff... Ash will want to keep some stuff, I'm sure, but that'll have to wait until police gives the thumbs up. And there's a will, a bit old, I guess he wrote it because I always told them to leave things ready just for precaution, for the family, but it will do, so we can sort out his things a little. I'll just stay with Tammye for a few weeks, keep her company.”

“We can stay as well,” Ali assured him, pushing away the plate she had finished without any appetite. “We literally have nothing else at least for the rest of the month, and we'd postpone whatever came. Ash will want to stay. And we already told the team, so they won't be expecting us.”

“That will help, thanks Ali,” Mike smiled at her. “My daughter may have poor taste for some things, but she nailed it with wife.”

Ali half smiled, shaking her head.

“Just trying.”

“How's she doing, by the way? Been this same rock at home?” Mike cared to know, forgetting his meal.

“Uh...” Ali shrugged. “Yeah but I wouldn't worry Mike. She lost her big brother, it probably hasn't even sunk in yet... and even if it had, she'd want to stay strong to handle this stuff, and worry about crying later, I think. Don't worry, I've got her.”

They stayed for a few hours more until the house started emptying, and then Mike went to Christopher's room and Ali to Ashlyn's room. It was full of North Carolina stuff, and Ashlyn was already deep asleep in bed. Ali snuggled behind her and held her in her arms, closing her eyes and praying that wherever Chris was, he was caring for his family.

  
  


 


	7. No more drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING in this chapter Ashlyn gets a bit violent

****

**Chapter 7: No more drugs.**

The alarm clock sounded far too early for Ali, but when she remembered why her eyes were staring at a North Carolina medal hung from a bedside table lamp, instead of at her wedding portrait like usual, she felt herself fully wake-up all of the sudden. She rubbed her eyes and rolled over to see Ashlyn wasn't lying next to her, but standing in front of her old chest of drawers buttoning her black elegant trousers and shoving the lower edge of her grey shirt into them. The goalkeeper turned to face her and smiled tiredly at her with shadows under her eyes.

“Good morning,” Ashlyn said, coming over to kiss her. Ali got a whiff of Ashlyn's shampoo and knew the short-haired woman had already showered and everything. “Did you get some sleep princess?”

“Yeah, how are you? Is it late, am I late?”

“You've got more than enough time to calmly get ready, I just wanted to go there way in advance and to be honest with you, I couldn't sleep any longer. I'm... hanging in there,” Ashlyn pulled a black tie from her suitcase opened on the floor and started tying it around her neck. Ali checked her out properly and noticed the soft make-up in her face, and she had shoved her hair, that she had let grow a little and where she had gotten blonde highlights, back with her fingers, so it looked a bit beachy.

“Are you going on your own?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “I want to have a moment with Christopher, and then I want to speak with a couple friends before the service, make sure it's all handled with the church and everything.”

“Are you sure you don't want me to join you?”

“I'm sure. You get ready, Dad will be here to gather you, Mum and your parents and Kyle. The church and the funeral house are less than half an hour from here walking, so no cars needed. We'll meet at the funeral house, uh? We'll do a procession to the church and then back to cremate him, and then we'll go to Da Kine Diego's for lunch, I'm paying and I spoke with them and made reservations, they're friends and Chris and my family love that place.”

“All right,” Ali nodded, and checked her phone watch. “Jesus Ash, it's not even six yet, I thought the funeral was at ten? The place won't even be open yet.” Ashlyn chuckled.

“I know the people Alex, no worries. Church service is at 10, cremation at 11:30, and while it happens we'll go for lunch because it takes hours, I'll pick the remains up later. And I want you at the funeral house at 9, okay? So better be in advance to everything.”

“Okay,” Ali stood up and wrapped her in her arms, burying her face between her shoulder blades while Ashlyn worked on her tie. “I love you like crazy.”

“I love you too. Feel at home, okay? Grab anything for breakfast you want.”

Ashlyn finished getting ready, put on her jacket, took her wallet, watch, and few things, and left, while Ali marched to the bathroom to shower as well, making sure to be quiet because she was sure her parents' in law were still sleeping.

Meanwhile, Ashlyn walked at fast speed fuelled by anger not towards the funeral house, but north towards one of the areas with most crime of Satellite Beach. Despite their childhood, Satellite wasn't an unsafe place to live, and was in fact one of the safest places in Florida, and not at all truly poor. There were neighbourhoods with big houses and palm trees, and neighbourhoods like hers, with small humble houses and gate-less properties, there were good schools and bad schools, but her family had just been unlucky enough to be poor and thus, get themselves to find all the trouble Satellite had to offer. And if you wanted drugs, there was one place to go to and that was Ricky's house. Ricky had been a classmate of one of Ashlyn's older cousins. He was a trouble boy whose Mum abandoned the family and whose Dad had a boat through which he, in one of those loud secrets, brought drugs coming from Bahamas and La Habana. Like in places as rich and luxurious as Los Angeles, Satellite had people like that, who contaminated the city bringing trash from somewhere else just to make money.

Ricky's father had, during their childhood and teen years, used his son as a way to sell his drugs and make money. Police had arrested them both several times, but they never got evidence enough for anything that minor crimes, easily paid with community service and small prison times. Ricky's father had gone to prison for good over a decade ago, but his son, only a few years older than Ashlyn, had learnt from his mistakes and carried the 'family business' in a more discreet way, not letting himself get caught easily.

The hour was perfect for Ashlyn. With the streets absolutely empty, no one could stop her or recognize her, and she did not want to be recognized. She had her sunglasses on, and felt the tension in her veins, fuelling her every step forward. She thought of Christopher, and it was almost as if he encouraged her on. As if he was saying 'come on sis, don't let other kids die like me'. Because that was the problem with Ricky. He took young teens who lived in poverty to sell his drugs for the money, and to even try them so they'd get addicted and spend the money Ricky gave them for selling, into buying from him, that's how he made money. And if police caught someone, it'd be one of those teens who would get into trouble, not Ricky, and because they were minors, they wouldn't go to prison big lengths and would come back from, most likely, months in community service. Christopher, Ashlyn, and Cassidy had all been some of those teens, and although they never got caught, and they managed to get out —Ricky wasn't violent or threatening, which was perhaps his only good trait, he was just manipulating, but wouldn't do anything violent if you decided to go and would behave friendly— they knew not everyone was as lucky. Along with others, they had several times tried to have Ricky arrested forever, but they suspected some police bought from him, and protected him.

“Ricky!” Ashlyn used his big fist to knock on his wooden door repeatedly. “Ricky! Open up or I'll throw this door down!”

After a few seconds, he heard the rush of steps and the door opened. Ricky appeared, too short for his age due to the drug abuse, with a couple teeth less, golden eyes, and dark ruffled hair. He had a beard now, looked beachy, and smelled disgusting.

“Ashlyn! Hi! It's been so long girl!”

“Inside,” Ashlyn pushed him into the house and closed the door.

“Woah, what's up?” she had the impression he was high. He looked pathetic, but she knew his best weapons were brains, manipulation, surprising loquacity and charm. He could convince anyone to do anything, he was smarter than he looked, and he used his looks to have people undermine them. He easily got to the hearts of young, vulnerable people living in poverty.

“What's up? You sold heroin to my brother.”

“Oh, fucker got his little sis to defend him? I expected better of ol' Chris.”

“Old Chris is dead,” Ashlyn snapped, clenching her teeth and glaring at him. Ricky frowned and flopped on his dirty, half broken sofa. As an addict himself, he always spent his money on his boat and drugs, and lived in poor conditions. He looked confused, in his druggy fog.

“No he isn't,” he said. “Come on Ash! You know I don't do bullying, I didn't touch him! He came what... yesterday? No, the day before, yes. He asked me for something insignificant, like... 600 milligrams or so, it was insignificant, telling ya... I told him he was sober, not to buy...”

“Yes, sure.” Ashlyn said sarcastically, walking to him like a wolf after its prey.

“Promise! But he said he wasn't gonna take it, he said it was 'cause if he had it, he wouldn't crave it, he just needed to know it was there in a draw, he wouldn't take it.”

“He took it, you fucking bastard, thanks to you. And because he had been sober so long, it killed him. His body wasn't used to it anymore.”

“Well that's his fault then!”

Ashlyn snapped and punched him across the face. Just one solid punch to break his nose, that cracked loudly. Ricky gasped and covered his face with his hands.

“His fault? Not yours and your family for being this town's cancer?!”

“Ash, come on girl!” Ricky stood up, walking backwards, away from her, grabbing kitchen towels and pressing them against his face. “It's just business, you understand... not all of us are rich like you!”

“I've got money 'cause I worked my butt off to go to University, I train my ass off daily to stay in shape, and I sacrifice so much for soccer! And yet in a few years I'll be out and starting a career all over again and you know what? I won't think of starting it in drugs.”

“What'ya want me t'do?! Just tryin' to live here!”

“I want you out of Florida. Out. You, your gang, all of you, you're vanishing. I'll be here for a couple weeks and I won't go until I'm sure all of you have taken that boat and left Florida. Go to Cuba, if you love it so much, Mexico, Texas, I don't give a shit, but not my state.”

“I can't do that, are y'nuts? This my home!”

Ashlyn threw her fist back, and collided it hard against his stomach.

“Wanna rethink that?” she asked as he knelt on the floor. She felt powerful, capable, and all she could think of was Christopher. He'd be alive if she had done this years before. Ricky cried pathetically on the floor asking for mercy, and she smiled and spat on him before kneeling in front of him. “I've got money, Ricky. Unless you and all your people vanish forever, I will have no problem hiring someone to go after you, and make it look like an accident.”

“You wouldn't do that,” Ricky looked at her, face covered in blood. “You're not a mafia or something!”

“I'm not, yet I would. No one would ever know, who cares about you anyway?” Ashlyn shook her head. “You see you should be dead, and then Christopher would be alive. I lost my brother. My best fucking friend in this world, my hero, my rock, my greatest thing, and he should be alive, and you should be dead. But I won't let anyone else die because of you. I'd do anything for Christopher and you know it, and I should've done this before,” she grabbed his neck and crashed his head against the kitchen cabinet behind him, squeezing his neck tightly with his big, goalkeeper hands. He grabbed her wrist and made chocking noises. “It'd be so easy to kill you now with my own hands...” she murmured. “After all you've done to my home, my parents, my cousin, Chris... you deserve it. I'll forever live with the regret of letting you live to kill him, but you'll get to live always afraid, with constant anguish like my family and I.” She gave one tight squeeze to his neck, enjoying his face go purple, and then let him go and stood up. He got on his hands and knees coughing and recovering his breath. “Are we clear?” Ashlyn asked looking at herself in a small mirror in the open bathroom nearby, straightening her suit and making sure she had no blood stains, although her right knuckles were a little bruised. She'd grab his ice, but she was being very cautious not to touch anything, not to leave fingerprints. “I can't hear you.” She said, returning to Ricky, who was breathing hard. “Are we clear?” she repeated, this time making a point to kick him hard in the stomach, as soccer had taught him.

Ricky rolled over in pain, groaning.

“Yes, yes!”

“What will you do, Ricky?” she asked softly.

“I'll leave! Two days and I'll be gone forever, with my people, everything!”

“And if not?”

“You'll get us killed.”

“Exactly. As you can see, I'm a fair person and I'm giving you a warning and everything. Whatever happens next is your fault. You were warned. And if any of you try anything against my loved-ones, I will personally rip each and every one of your fingers off to ensure the message is clear. Goodbye Ricky. Forever.”

She kicked the door open to avoid touching it, and left, feeling like her anger had discharged a little. Now, it was time to take care of her brother.

****  
  


 

 


	8. A father's farewell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The funeral is actually a couple chapter's long because I wrote a couple long, heartfelt speeches and I figured it'd be less dense if I split it in a couple chapters.  
> WARNING I cried my eyes out writing this episode, brought up every funeral memory I have, and then cried more. And I'm not a crier, but hey, I'm warning you.

**Chapter 8: A father's farewell.**

After ten minutes in the funeral house's bathroom, Ashlyn was sure she was ready. She had kissed her brother's cheek, told him she loved him, cried her eyes out, gone, reapplied her make up that she kept in a pocket, fixed her hair, made sure to smell good and not have traces of her encounter with Ricky, put her hand in fresh water, and straightened his suit. She had finished all the paperwork, gone to the church, made sure everything was set there, and now Christopher was being put in a funeral car and her family and friends should be arriving.

As she walked out of the building looking fresh, she saw the funeral car ready, and Ali, along with many friends, family and neighbours, all chatting forming a black, grey and white ocean next to the vehicle. Even in funeral clothing, she had to admit Ali looked gorgeous.

“Hi,” Ashlyn arrived to the group, putting an arm around her wife.

“Babe, there you are,” Ali smiled, giving her a peck on the lips.

“Thanks for handling everything honey, was there any problem?” Mike asked, standing with his suit on and an arm around his ex-wife, who looked like she was sleep-walking, sunglasses on and a tissue pressed against her mouth.

“No problem, it was easy,” Ashlyn assured. “Come here Mum, let me give you a proper squeeze...”

Ashlyn took her time being the family's public representative person, hugging everyone, stopping to chat, to receive the condolences, and informed her family she had received a ton of emails, calls and texts about her bosses and teammates both in Orlando and the USWNT, and even friends and ex-teammates all over the world, sending their love to the family and especially to her parents. She stood strong, because someone had to. She had already cried her eyes out and discharged her inner violence, and she was ready. She put her arms around her parents, and they followed the car in silence, knowing Ali was keeping the rest of the group together.

What was normally a ten minute walk to the church turned into twenty while following the car, that slowed for them, but finally they were there and being warmly welcomed by the same pastor they had had for decades, since Ashlyn was a baby. Even if she wasn't one to go to Church much, nor took everything the Bible said to heart, she considered the pastor a friend, and trusted who she saw as her good friend Ross, going to him for advice when she needed it, knowing in his church she was always welcomed. He couldn't marry her, but he had gone and supported her wedding. He always said love could never be a crime.

The church was small, white and humble. It barely had religious symbols, nor anything remotely expensive, and they barely fit in it, but it was okay. Ashlyn sat between Ali and her mother, with the Kriegers behind and her maternal family either along the bench or in the bench next to them, and the rest was filled with friends and neighbours.

“Brothers, sisters, we are here reunited today to bid farewell to a very, very beloved member of our community. To a son, a big brother, a grandson, a cousin, a nephew, a friend. Christopher Ryan Harris was all of that and then more, he was an angel walking this Earth, and now he sits with God up in the sky, looking down at us, taking care of us, and smiling, because he sees all the love in this church today, just for him,” the pastor began talking, but Ashlyn quickly zoned off.

To Ashlyn, funeral words from the pastor always seemed empty, vain, almost cruel, more than a consolation. She knew the pastor meant well, but she wasn't so kind with God, and especially not now. She didn't want to hear her brother was with God, because no one knew that for sure, nor that God loved him, because if he had loved him so much, Christopher would still be alive. Christopher should be taking care of them here, in Earth, and not anywhere else. So she zoned off, let the comforting presence of Ali's hand in hers, the other on the back of her neck rubbing soothing circles with her thumb, just like she liked it, help her through the motions, and took deep breaths to stay calm, even when she felt her mother break down next to her, sobbing quietly. She looked around, and saw everyone, even those she had never seen cry, had teary eyes, and her Dad, forever stoic, was now dabbing his eyes gently with a tissue, while whispering comforting words to his ex. She thanked all the lucky stars inwardly for allowing him to be kind and gentle with her, leaving their differences aside. Her only brother left, Kyle, sat with his head down, looking serious and pale, and she knew he was thinking of how close he was to being Christopher. To this funeral being for him. The addiction had united him and Christopher, and for a decade, they had been thick as brothers. They had done a best man speech together at their wedding, and cried and hugged. Ashlyn knew Kyle's pain today was nothing but sincere.

Mike got up next, taking a couple deep breaths to pull himself together, and he didn't need paper to know what to say.

“Thank you all for coming, from all over the world, just for my son. It means the world,” he said first, with glassy eyes and hoarse voice. “I will never forget the first time I held my son, the biggest and fattest newborn I've ever held. It took me a while to understand he needed a big body to contain his huge heart, his loving nature, his enormous generosity. Because that's all he's ever been; kind, loving,” he took a deep breath, and this time, Ashlyn did struggle with herself. She was surprised, however, to find it was Ali who sat strong and collected this time, even if her eyes were filled with tears, and she was making sure to be there for her wife. “You see, when you have a child, it takes a bit to realize you made a person, with their own traits. Soon, you become fascinated, and you want to know them so badly, only to be frustrated because all they do is scream, poo in your hands, and babble, not talk about your favourite film or anything,” his comment elicited some laughter, and he smiled. “It's okay for you to laugh, he would've liked that. The... the first thing I learnt about the boy we had made was that he was an incredible big brother. I never had a good relationship with my siblings until we were teens, so when Tammye told me there was another kid on the way, I cringed. I was thinking, he's the most spoiled kid, he's going to be mad to share the attention, but I forgot, he was a fat ball of kindness. He took his sister in like a best friend, and instead of not touching her, she would not let anyone touch her. Because she was his and, as he would tell me, what if they hurt her, and then what?” he rubbed his eyes and Ashlyn clenched his jaw harder. “He loved sports, all of them. Running, jumping, surfing, skateboarding, bicycling, soccer... the kid was a ball of energy, he got this thin before he learnt to read. He'd tell me, 'Dad, books are fine, but are there books about soccer? Because that would be super fine,” there were more giggles, this time less timid. “And he taught his sister everything. I literally raised one kid, then stepped back and watched him raise the second. Learning to walk, run, swim, bicycle... he'll teach her anything. He'll even scoop her up to grab the biscuits of the taller cabinets,” the laughter grew, and Ashlyn rubbed her eyes and snorted a laugh, nodding. “So if she dressed like him, I was so unsurprised. I remember all the fights home because Ashlyn wouldn't wear a damn pink dress, and Christopher, he'd jump in and be like, 'if wearing trousers is so wrong, then why do you buy me that crap?'”, the entire place erupted in laughter, and he smiled bigger, sniffling a little. “God forbid we chastised his sister. So when they started going out together all the time, I took the boy and said, if something happens to your sister, if you don't take care of her properly, I'll slap your ass so hard you won't feel it for a week. I admit I was a rough father sometimes, too rough. But punishment wasn't necessary, he took better care of her than most people. I know I've dropped her more times than my son. He never dropped her. He never made her cry. And if she cried, he was the one to put an end to it. Of course what happens between siblings stays between siblings and I never knew, until they were adults, the kind of trash they were up to. I only suspected they got in fights, with others, only suspected the trouble, only suspected stuff. But I was always relaxed about them, because I knew Christopher was a better father than myself. I always admired that relationship. It always amazed me. A lot of people have often asked me, 'Mike, how did you teach your siblings to get along so well?' and man I have no idea, I did nothing. I think Chris saw his parents worked day and night, had no time and no energy for most things, and just decided to give it his best. I think we were just lucky, Tammye and I, that even though we're full of crap, both of us, our kids only inherited the very best we had to offer.”

>> “And that's how I want to remember my son. It doesn't matter how or why he died, what matters is how he lived, what he was. All we are in the end is how we're remembered, and there are nothing but incredible memories with him. I don't care if he got in trouble, if he dropped out of school, if he didn't spend his childhood trying to be a model student. His sister was an excellent student, and he was someone else. His own person. One time he told me, 'am I dumb? 'Cause Ash's so smart, and I'm not, but I'm bigger,' and I was always like no, you're not dumb. You're a fantastic person, and maybe you were born for other things. Maybe Ash's destiny needs for her to have brains, and you need other things. Maybe you're here because this world needs you to focus on other things, on being kind, on giving good things to your community, period,” Ashlyn took a deep breath and rubbed her eyes, thankful for having put so little make-up, and Mike also cleared his throat to keep himself steady. “I believe we need people who study, go to University, get degrees, keep going. If it wasn't for Uni, my daughter wouldn't have had all the opportunities she's had. But we need people who drop-out, who work those jobs no one wants but that are necessary. Everyone has different capacities, and they should invest in them, no matter if it's sports or spelling championships. We live in this town that fights addiction, many of us have fought it, and that's okay. Because when I look at you, at my girl, at my boy, I don't see addicts. I don't see people who got in trouble, or sometimes got off the wagon, or did bad stuff at times. I see good people who had to fall to learn and who thanks to that, are now incredible people. My son wasn't a yunkie. My son was one hell of a good person. A fantastic son, brother, best man, and I'm forever proud of him. Thank you.” He spoke the last openly crying, and then he left and sat down, and even though it was church, even though people don't applaud in funerals, they applauded.

  
  


  
  


 


	9. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii! guess who just finished uni?!
> 
> Btw, are you guys still interested? not seeing many comments. I usually write like crazy, have like 50 fics written and i'm fully satisfied, but i don't always update them unless i seee people care to see, 'cause i'm perfectly content just having written them and truth be told, updating does take time online

**Chapter 9: Goodbye.**

It took Ashlyn a couple minutes to compose herself, but then she stood up and walked to the lectern like her father had, adjusting the small microphone to her height and taking another deep breath. The church slowly fell quiet and Ashlyn saw her parents hug and smile at each other, squeezing their hands. Ali grinned at her tearfully and nodded in support.

“Hello everybody,” Ashlyn said, trying not to sound hoarse or too emotional, “next time we should plan to go for a coffee, don't you think?” there were some small laughs, and it boosted Ashlyn's confidence. She wasn't there to give a comedy speech, but she always felt more comfortable talking about dark things or in dark situations when she could laugh a little. It was a mere coping mechanism. “I met my brother Christopher roughly thirty-four years and three months ago, so there are too many memories for today. It's... it's odd to think of a world without him, because you see, I've never known one. Like Dad said, I've been attached to his hip my whole life. If Chris climbed a rooftop, I climbed a rooftop, if Chris surfed, I surfed, if Chris needed a goalkeeper, I became a goalkeeper. I would've done anything for him. He was my best friend, my confident, my biggest supporter, my counsellor, my pep-talker, my best man, and I wanted for him to be so much more. A godfather. My kids' best uncle. And I guess that's what's most shocking. I get to live tons of great things... to be older than my older brother, in just bit over a year from now. And he, who was the best guy in the world, finishes here. I guess he was right. What's good, if brief, it's twice as good.” She took a deep breath and nodded, looking at the coffin carefully put on the altar.

>> “I've been lucky to have a brother that makes me be confused when other siblings don't get along, because for me, calling my brother or texting him ten times a day was the most normal thing in the world. And not to complain about life or anything, most of the time it's just stupid. He had... he had the stupidest sense of humour, he cracked-up with anything and he cracked me up. He said when the world was so sad, you had to find anything to laugh a little. The last time we spoke, actually... it was the morning of the day he died, and he sent me this video parody of dinosaurs speaking like babies that was so absolutely stupid, and it was a laugh. And the text came with a message saying 'Ash this video is super important, I promise'. I fucking left a meeting to see the damn video,” she smiled sadly, shaking her head.

>> “I know my brother did many amazing things, but because he was my brother, and I was used to it and expected it, sometimes it took me years and meeting other people's stories to understand my brother was something else. Someone special, someone different. That he wasn't the typical brother. Other brothers, for example, beat you up if you like a girl. My brother got super furious at me for getting a boyfriend once, and not because the guy wasn't nice, but because he was a guy, and not a girl, and he knew before I knew it that I'm gay. He literally dragged me out of school just to give me a good chat. That was Christopher. He saw your heart and he loved it, even when you couldn't do it yet. And when I stopped surfing for months because of a shark sight, he put me in a boat, dragged me to the waves, and pretty much threw me there with his surfboard and swore there wouldn't be sharks because he'd kick their butts. And I surfed. And I became a shark fan,” she gulped a hard knot in her throat and sighed.

>> “My brother got out of addiction because I got into it and he knew I'd do what he did, but didn't want me to do heroin. He wanted me to do healthy, so we did that. And when I went to him, crying, because I wanted so badly to go to North Carolina University and get a high education, but had no money and no precedents in the family, he was the one to tell me to call them and convince them I was the best thing that could've happened to NC. And that's what I did. And when I left, he was the first one to tell me to never look back. To for once in my life, not do whatever shit he did,” she sniffled. “He would stay, he would care for our family, and he would support me wherever I went, under the condition that I didn't give up. That I didn't come crying because it was hard, that I didn't go partying instead of studying. Because behind every successful person there's someone who stayed behind to make them feel like they could go anywhere, because they'd take care of things for you. And it was okay to miss his birthday because of soccer. It was okay to go to Sweden, or Germany, or wherever. It was okay to put my job first, because he wouldn't have it any other way.”

>>”One time I told him it was just stupid soccer. That yes it mattered, but no more than him. And he laughed,” Ashlyn let a long sigh and clenched a fist in her pocket to calm herself. “Because according to Christopher, it wasn't about me not seeing him because I was busy kicking a ball. It was about me not seeing him because I was busy doing what made me the happiest, and that was always more important, because if I was unhappy, he'd be even unhappier. If I was unhappy, all our effort would be for nothing. He was the most selfless man in the world.”

Ashlyn bit her lip and rubbed her eyes, looking at the smooth surface of the coffin for a few seconds before continuing, no longer caring how her voice sounded.

“My brother was the reason why I wasn't a single child,” she said then. “Yet I don't think I'll ever stop being a little sister. Even when I grow older than him, even when my own children grow older than him. I'd like to think that he just found another way to exist. That maybe he realized the best way to being the best brother and best uncle was getting to heaven, so he could always be where he was needed. So he could help make good things happen in a more powerful way. Because this sad world needed an angel. And I can only be thankful because he was here, and he was the best thing that we could've asked for. That's what matters. And even though we'll always miss him, I know we can always find him if we look inside of us, to the big footprint he left. So see you in eighty years or so, Stud.”

. . .

It was late evening, and the sun was starting to dive into the ocean, as the small group sat on the beach, staring at it. They were still in their suits and dresses, still elegant, and tired, emotionally drained, somewhat sad. In 24h, they would meet again to throw Christopher's ashes into the ocean, but for now, his remains rested in the depth of Ashlyn's closet, where he could be safe, wrapped in his favourite jacket. Kyle, Ali, Corey, Kyle and Cassidy Habovick with the two Habovick wives, Ashlyn, and their friends Liz, Jamie and Nick, who had been Christopher's best friend for decades, sat on the sand forming a semicircle, drinking beer and watching the orange sky, talking about Christopher, sharing their favourite stories and memories, while their parents stayed together somewhere else, to console Ashlyn's parents while giving her a break from that task at once. They sobbed, and Ashlyn had gone into consistent soft crying for now an hour or so. No one tried to stop her tears, and she was fine. She needed to cry, so she cried silently, with tears coming out intermittently, sliding quietly down her cheeks, occasionally blowing her nose in one of the many tissues she had made sure to fill her pockets with.

“Didn't he have a girlfriend?” Brittany, Corey's wife, asked then, staring at the sky with her hand firmly held by her husband.

“No,” Ashlyn replied. “He said he needed to be a better man before he could be someone's boyfriend.”

“Smart guy,” Jamie Tworkowski opined, barefoot, with his feet buried in the sand. “Not like there wasn't enough love back there for him.”

“Yeah...” there as a general murmur of agreement.

“It's nice to see you again Kyle, it's been so long,” Kyle Habovick smiled to his namesake, and got a smile in return.

“We'll have to repeat it for happier occasions one day.”

“Now the waves are good, we should go surfing,” Corey suggested, looking at the weaves breaking in the water. “We could take my boy, he's five now, time to get him started.”

“Fucking cold now tho,” Cassidy commented.

“Cold? You haven't been in Sweden,” Ali teased with a half smile, and Cassidy giggled.

“Right...! And how long are you staying anyway, guys? It's Olympics year, must be busy.”

“Couple weeks at least, right Ash?” Ali answered. She kept an arm around her wife.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “I think I'll tell Coach not to count on me for the camps in three weeks though. Mum's going to need a good help, and Dad can't stick around forever. Those two get along now, but God knows how long it'll last.”

“Don't be silly, we'll look after her,” Liz assured. “You two need to prepare for the Olympics. Life goes on.”

“Yeah, we'll look after them,” Corey agreed. “And Mum and Dad aren't leaving your Mum's side, you know it. She won't overdose with us here.”

“That is true, with so many people around her she can't buy shit,” Jamie commented.

“Thanks guys,” Ashlyn nodded, sipping from her beer. “We need to make sure no one relapses. Chris is the last one, okay? The absolute last one. We're going to get this place back from the dirt. I was giving it a thought to this crazy idea though, I don't know what you'll think.” She blew her nose once more.

“What is it?” Kyle Krieger asked.

“The Christopher Harris Foundation,” said Ashlyn. “To go around schools in Florida giving talks about addiction, to push forward detox programs, to help families in poverty recover without having to sell drugs or get in those businesses, and to help rehabilitated people find jobs and rebuilt their lives.”

Ali looked proudly at Ashlyn.

“That sounds like a fantastic idea, babe.”

“Haters will say you're trying to evade taxes, but I absolutely loved,” Cassidy smiled at her cousin big time.

Everyone commented in approval and Ashlyn looked at Jamie.

“What do you think Jamie? Think we can tie it up with To Write Love On Her Arms? Join efforts?”

“Well having in count that a huge chunk of people suffering depression fall into addiction and end up dead, of course,” Jamie grinned at her. “It's a fantastic idea. I can introduce you to people to help build it. Good people.”

“Perfect,” Ashlyn, for once, smiled through the tears. “If it goes well, and we get a better Florida... perhaps it won't fix the world, but we can start here. And then Christopher's death won't be in vain.”

She knew the main reason why she had never thought of a foundation to help tackle her hometown's problems like that was that she had been too busy and focused on football, but now, her brother's death opened her eyes to a new mission. One worth putting her efforts into.

  
  


 


	10. The first steps are the hardest ones

**Chapter 10: The first steps are the hardest ones.**

The next evening, the ashes of Christopher Ryan Harris were thrown into the Atlantic Ocean with the wind and the waves, from Uncle James' boat. They watched them fly away a few meters and then sink in a wave, and then went back to land and celebrated the life they had lost, not because they had lost it, but because they had had it.

The next two weeks passed in the blink of an eye. Ashlyn, Ali and Mike focused on improving Tammye's life, fixing things around the house, cleaning Christopher's old bedroom, painting the garage, cleaning, taking care of the garden, cleaning Chris' house, picking up everything that was inside and storing it in boxes, and putting that house out for sale. They were always so busy they hardly had time to think, and the entire family and friends jumped in to help as much as they could. Ali had driven to Orlando, just after Christopher's ashes were thrown, to pack bigger suitcases, leave one guest room to fill entirely with Christopher's things, and pick Logan up, because Tammye missed the dog, so for two weeks, the huge dog enjoyed running around the beach and garden, and being spoiled by her grandparents.

Ashlyn soon learnt it was like walking again, but without her brother there to push her forward. Every day she woke up without energy, and every day she pushed herself out of the bed to clean or do whatever was needed. Ever night, Ali took her out for a break walk with Logan in the beach, romantically holding hands, kissing, and even bathing sometimes, despite it being January. And ultimately, Tammye and Mike were doing much better, were going to work and laughing, and hanging out with friends, and they were encouraged to go. On the last evening there, Ali and Ashlyn snuggled in the beach watching Logan play with the sand, and Ali said something that surprised her.

“Thank God we're trying for a child later this year. Life's too short to wait much longer, don't you think?”

The goalkeeper raised an eyebrow and looked at her, surprised.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “We've got to seize the day and enjoy life while we have it.”

“How's the foundation going?”

“I met with Jamie's friends, that helped him start with TWLOHA. I'll make the first investment of about fifty thousand dollars, to make a website, start creating merch to finance more, pay the paperwork, and hire people for a small administrative headquarters here in Satellite Beach. It'll be a place where to do hirings and inform people, and have the paperwork, and we'll start hiring people who want to go around Florida talking about addiction, asking permission to school renting places to give conferences, chats and all, hiring psychologists, those things. It'll take a few months, but hopefully it will have fully launched by the summer. The idea we spoke about is that the foundation can finance itself, you know? That what it earns goes to itself. I don't want to recover those fifty thousand, I just put it into it, and it'll produce money to pay more programs, more conferences, more psychologists, more rehab centres... and we'll be able to donate rehab centres across Florida, social canteens, all that. And we'll have big presence in TWLOHA events, partner up.”

Ali grinned seeing the illusion in her eyes as she spoke about the project.

“Chris would be so, so proud.”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn smiled at her. “It's all for him.”

“Are you ready to go back into the public world? Soccer, cameras, interviews... feels like another world, isn't it?”

“Yeah... it'll be odd, but we'll make it.”

“By the way,” Ali looked in her purse and pulled her phone, “I have something to show you, I had forgotten. The local newspaper, Space Coast Daily, they wrote an article about Chris. Cassidy sent it to me, they published it after we did the ashes thing,” Ali said, opening it for Ashlyn to read. It was a beautiful article, announcing his death and talking about how incredible of a person he was, and it made her smile.

“It's lovely,” Ashlyn had been heavily ignoring her phone, not opening the social accounts for anything, and focusing on returning calls and little more.

“I thought you'd like it. But of course, it made the news public. Orlando Sentinel saw it and wrote one, linking him to you, then the Pride published formal condolences in the twitter account, and the world went nuts. Some of our friends have been asking for privacy and respect for the family in their networks and all. Look what Alex posted.” She took her phone again, found Alex Morgan's twitter, and showed it to Ashlyn. There was a big photo of Ashlyn and Christopher on the field after a USWNT game, hugging. Ashlyn had that photo herself.

The message attached to it read: ' _As it has come out publicly now, you know one of my closest friend's big brother just passed tragically. I know you're dying to see Ash post photographs, messages, videos or anything, I know you care and want to make sure she's okay, and I want to assure you she is. Chris was a hell of a wonderful guy that I had the honour to meet, and now I'm sure Ash is home, with her family, with her hometown friends, surrounded by nothing by love, and you don't have to worry about her. But I beg you to respect her privacy, to respect her family now more than ever, and not meddle. If she didn't make it public before was precisely to give her family peace without paparazzi around. To give her parents time to process the tragic passing of their eldest baby. If you want to help the family, give them space and time. Let them be. And they'll show themselves when they're ready. Only time can help these kinds of wounds heal._

_See you later, my friend. Thanks for being the best brother for her. <3'_

Ashlyn grinned sadly and rubbed her eyes.

“I didn't take Alex as the sappy person,” Ashlyn joked, returning the phone.

“Me neither. But our friends haven't stopped posting these kinds of things. Even Kyle. I've cried so hard thanks to them. I guess they wanted to shout to the world that Chris existed, that he mattered, and that he touched so many lives, that phoning you wasn't enough.”

“We are very lucky people. Our friends are wonderful.”

“Indeed,” Ali put her phone away and put her arms around her neck, bringing her close and hugging her. “Now you know that when we come back, there'll still be a huge net to shelter you.”

“I never doubted it,” Ashlyn smiled, and pressed her lips against her shoulder, snuggling into her.

. . .

Once they got home, they didn't have time to do much, as they had to pack again and head over to Los Angeles to train and prepare for the game against Australia with the rest of the team. They dusted, put the washing machine twice, ironed clothes, and filled two suitcases, all in one day. As they went to bed, Ashlyn snuggled into Ali, finding comfort in her warmth.

“You're doing so well,” Ali encouraged her, caressing her hair and hugging her close, “you're doing all the right things, you're being perfect, you can do this. I love you.”

“I love you too, Alibean.” Ashlyn let a long breath out, and fell asleep against her chest.

Ali knew it took a village for Ashlyn to get up every morning. She had never lost anyone before, had never gone to a funeral before, but she loved Christopher too, empathised with Ashlyn because of her own brother, and knew if she lost Kyle, it would take a village for her to get out of bed too. She knew all Ashlyn wanted was to spend the day in bed, yet she hadn't done that once. And that would be good for her. They'd be with their friends two weeks, four games, and that would be good for her. Four friendlies and then the SheBelieves Cup in the end of February to start off the year kicking some balls.

They only slept in bed for three hours, before it was time to go. They had already left Logan with Taís Cotta, who worked for the Pride and was a good friend and frequent dog-sitter, so they got dressed,took their suitcases, and called a taxi for the airport, boarding their plane at eleven, in the middle of the night, so they could be in Los Angeles at six in the morning, ready for check-in with the team. Ashlyn absolutely hated long flights, partially because they did no good to her old hip, knee, shoulder and ACL injuries, so they flew first class to try and minimize the risk of further injuries, and Ashlyn tried to recline her seat as much as possible and sleep the entire journey. Ali wasn't so easy to sleep during flights, so she took small naps and in between checked on her wife, read and texted the teammates that were already in LA. They were actually the last ones to arrive, as most of the team had arrived the evening before, but they had wanted to spend until the last minute with Ashlyn's family.

“Babe, time to wake-up,” Ali smiled sweetly as she saw Ashlyn's eyes open before yawning big like a lion.

“We're in LA?”

“We're about to land, the Captain said to put the seats in upright and put on the belt.”

“Ah, right.” Ashlyn rubbed her face and moved her seat, getting up for a second to stretch before sitting down and putting on her belt. “Did you catch some sleep?”

“Not much, but it's okay. Today's break day for arrivals and we only have gym session this afternoon, so I can sleep when we get there. Who are you rooming with?”

“Uh... with Tobs,” Ashlyn replied.

“That's good!” Ali grinned at her. She wanted to be sure she was with someone she was close with.

“Yeah, and you?”

“I got Allie Long, so can't complain.”

“Yass!” Ashlyn high-fived her, then grabbed onto her hand strongly as the plane shook with a small turbulence. “Wow, shit.”

“We're in LA,” Ali leaned over her to look through the window. “We're good.”

Since they arrived at the hotel so early, they picked-up their room keys and got into the lift. Soon, they were in a corridor, looking at the number in the keys with exhausted faces.

“The world will start waking-up in half an hour,” Ali groaned. “Room 581. What's yours?”

“574,” Ashlyn gave her a small smile. “This way, both of us.”

“I swear,” Ali murmured, pulling from her suitcase. “These are the things I like the least about our job. Being tired.”

“We could shower, change, say hi to our friends, go have breakfast, and be back upstairs quickly afterwards for a nap before lunch.”

“I like how you think, Ashlyn Harris.”

“Thank you,” they stopped at Ashlyn's door. Ali's was further in the corridor. “See you in a bit.”

“Love you,” Ali kissed her softly. “Call me if anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

“No matter the hour.”

“I know. I love you too.”

Ashlyn opened her bedroom door to find Tobin asleep in her bed, her long brown hair back in a messy ponytail and her suitcases aside. She made a detour for their bathroom, showered, and by the time she was dressed and ready again, Tobin had just gotten dressed in the bedroom.

“Ash!” Tobin grinned and jumped to hug her, “I'm so sorry about Chris.”

“Thanks, Tobs,” Ashlyn hugged her back. They had known each other since university, had played together for the longest time, and it felt great to be back with her.

“How are you doing friend?” Tobin asked as they separated, patting her cheek.

“I don't know, it feels surreal, you know? I'm sad. But at the same time, I can't wait to get some victories here, feel good about something.” Tobin nodded, understanding. She had a little brother and two big sisters and couldn't imagine the world without any of them.

“Better get busy so you don't think about him so much, uh?”

“Yeah. Except I've got his name tattooed under my boob.” Tobin snorted a laugh.

“That's a small flaw. He was an awesome man. I would've liked to be there.”

“I know, I just...”

“The more famous people, the worst to keep privacy.”

“Yeah.”

“We all understand. And we're here for you, okay? We've been talking about you, the girls and all... we're all here for you. Anything you need, just ask.”

“Thanks, Tobs. It means a lot,” Ashlyn nodded, grateful. “I think I just want... to figure this out on my own. Not to be too overwhelmed with people.”

“Sure. Come on, let's get some food in there. Did you fly through the night?”

They walked outside talking about their flights, how tired they both were, and when they often ran into a teammate, Ashlyn was again hugged and told she was loved and given condolences. It was heart-warming. As an all-time independent and rather mysterious person, Ashlyn wasn't expected to be the heart of conversations anyway, so she saluted everyone, always being greeted warmly, and smiled at Ali, who was already sitting with the girls, eating, before joining them, finding a seat in a round table between Tobin and Rapinoe and also with Allie. Becky, Ali and Crystal.

“You two look so dead if I didn't know better, I'd think you've been sexing all night,” Rapinoe joked looking at Ali and Ashlyn. The latter blushed. Now she realized last time Chris had just died, but they didn't know. The girls giggled and Ashlyn and Ali exchanged an amused glance.

“I'd be more tired if that was the case,” Ali teased, bringing more laughter.

“Hi girls, great to see you laughing,” Head Coach April Heinrichs appeared behind Ashlyn. “Ash, come to the meetings room when you've eaten good, okay? I wanna talk to you a bit.” She said softly, patting her shoulder for attention. Ashlyn looked up at her and nodded.

“Sure.” April left and the girls exchanged looks.

“She probably just wants to make sure you're okay,” Ali reassured her, reading the worry in her eyes. “She's not Jill, don't worry.”

“Yeah, it's her job,” Crystal nodded, offering Ashlyn an apple. “Probably send you to the sports psychologist.”

“The sports psychologist,” Ashlyn sighed, accepting the apple and giving it a big bite. “God, all I wanted was some sleep...”

“At least is Michelle, not some stranger,” Allie highlighted.

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,
> 
> Recently, my cat, who I have had my whole life pretty much, had emergency surgery and due to reasons unknown, her recovery complicated and a few nights later she got suddenly really bad and agonised to death in my arms while we were all alone and without a possibility to get her help fast enough.
> 
> Understandably, I'm heartbroken. I've gone through many huge loses in my young life, and yet this one was even worst than parental ones, because through all of them, she was there. She was there to comfort me, for me to hug her when I had depression and cried myself to sleep for years and years, she was there through every single thing. My whole life. This is the first time I have to deal with a big loss without her constant love and support, and it's wrecking me inside out. She's left a huge hole everywhere; not being with me in bed, not waking me up in the morning, not mawling when I come home, not stealing my food and water when i sit down to eat, not accompanying me every-single-time I go to the bathroom... even looking at the corner of my bed she used to sleep on, or her box-bed, or her blanket makes me feel a punch to the chest.
> 
> I'm trying to keep writing, and I assure you I have all these chapters written, but more often than not I only feel like lying in bed moping around than like coming and updating, so I just want you to know that if I update less it's just because I'm grieving. I don't expect patience -nobody I know has really come to understand that it hurts so bloody much to lose her like I did- but I'm a very open and honest person and I thought you deserved to know the whole truth. I watched as my best friend died in my arms without being able to help her, after having already lost a good portion of my family in the recent years... it's a lot to take in. But as long as you have interest I will get my shit together, and I will update as soon as I can, I promise.


	11. Day 1

**Chapter 11: Day 1.**

Ashlyn walked around the hotel to the meetings' room and knocked on the door.

“Come in!” she opened the door and saw April Heinrichs, with her short brown hair, sports psychologist Dr Michelle Joshua, young and brunette as well, and assistant coach Tony Gustavsson, with those eyes like lines, sat around a large table, and it made Ashlyn nervous for some reason, probably related to the memories of visiting the teacher's office. “Hi Ash, please sit down with us.”

“Hi,” Ashlyn sat down by the group. “Am I being kicked out or something?”

“Absolutely not,” April smiled at her, confused, “why would you think that?”

“I don't know, I'm silly,” Ashlyn shrugged. “So what's up?”

“Ashlyn, we just want to make sure you're okay, see how you're doing. We understand it's been a huge blow,” Dr Michelle Joshua spoke softly, giving her a small, warm smile.

“I'm sad, obviously, but I'm ready to play,” Ashlyn assured, scared of being sidelined again. “I've been training in Satellite Beach as well, with Ali, we've trained our butts off every single day, kept up with the diets, I—,”

“Ashlyn,” Tony stopped her gently, “we're not discussing how physically ready you are. We know you're a grown-up who cares about her job and who does her homework without anyone having to remind you. We know you feel ready, that's not being put up for discussion. Your abilities aren't doubted.”

“What we were talking about was how the pressure of these games could affect you with what you already have on your shoulders,” April clarified, seeing what Ashlyn's fear was about.

“We know you were an addict once, and we wouldn't want you turning back to that,” added Michelle.

“I'm not using,” Ashlyn assured them. “I'm not going to go and get drunk or drugged or anything. I thrive under pressure, I'm fine with it. I need to play, okay? Sitting down thinking about my brother feeling like I only came to watch Lyssa play... that's not what's going to help me. Put me in the roster for the skills you see me show, but don't pull me out because you have doubts about whether I'll sink or not. I won't sink. And in any case, my wife is almost literally stuck to my hip, she wouldn't let me sink even if I wanted to.”

“All right, but the best way to ensure you continue holding up is for you to see Michelle. We want you to have a session with her every day for as long as this camp lasts, after the last training of the afternoon, before dinner,” April said gently. “That's not up for discussion, you understand, right?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “Fine, I'll do that.”

“Great,” Michelle looked very satisfied. “Then I'll see you later, right here.”

Ashlyn left the meetings room slightly anxious. The idea that her bosses were discussing her mental health between themselves, analysing her performance even closer than usual, judging whether her brain was acting properly or not, was unnerving.

“How did it go?” Ali was waiting sitting on the carpeted floor by the door. Ashlyn looked surprised at her, expecting her to be in bed.

“Why aren't you sleeping?”

“You're my wife,” Ali stood up and showed her wedding band. “I vowed to make you my main need forever,” she smiled, “so how did it go?”

“Well,” they walked together towards the lift, “they're discussing my mental health together. Forcing me to see Michelle every single evening before dinner, so she can judge whether I'm ready for the pressure of a game or not.”

“So basically getting into your head and deciding for you how much you can stand,” Ali briefed as they entered the lift.

“And that is precisely why I love you,” Ashlyn smiled at her tiredly. “You know me so well. See? Why can't they do that?”

“Not everyone can have the luxury of marrying you,” Ali bragged, caressing her cheek. “Don't think about them, Ash. Do your job, the world will always judge and say shit. Do your best, and that's all they are going to see. And collaborate with Michelle, because if she sees you're not fighting her, she'll have less reasons to think you're unprepared.”

“Yeah... thanks Alex.”

“Anytime. Now, time to sleep.”

Her dreams were filled with Christopher everywhere. First, they were both surfing, and then he started surfing away waves she couldn't catch. She shouted at him to wait for her, but he simply smiled and told her he had to go, and disappeared leaving her alone in the middle of an ocean full of waves. Then, she came to her home in Satellite Beach, but no one was there, not her brother, not her mother, not her father, and when she ran out into the street to search for them, the streets were also empty. And lastly, Ashlyn found herself in her brother's house, watching as he took the drug and died, but unable to do anything. He couldn't hear her screams, and she couldn't touch him.

She woke up restless and with raged breathing, alone in her room and with tears in her eyes.

“Fuck!” Ashlyn threw her pillow across the room to land on the bathroom door. Next she ran to the bathroom, filled the sink with water, and sank her head to refresh her brain. She couldn't be sleeping badly. Not now.

Checking her watch, she saw she had overslept a little. Lunch had started ten minutes before, so she grabbed her sweat-jacket and her phone, and practically ran to the canteen, the corridors empty.

“Hey you,” Ali smiled at her when she finally appeared carrying her food. Ali had saved her a seat next to her at a table with Christen, Becky, Crystal, Rapinoe, Alex and Kling. “I was about to see if you were in coma. Good nap.”

“Yeah, well,” Ashlyn sat down and organized her food, “what did I miss?”

“Nothing. April gave a bit of a welcome speech and said we're meeting at the hall at four for two hours of training. You know, to have time to digest the food first,” Kling answered. “The game's still three days away, so tomorrow's the big training day.”

“We could go for a coffee after lunch, seeing there's plenty of time,” Christen commented, and there were hums of approval.

“You OK?” Ali whispered to her ear, sensing some issue.

“Nightmares,” Ashlyn whispered back. Ali nodded, and patted her back gently.

“Your Mum called, by the way,” Ali commented softly. “Said you're not picking up your phone, but I already told her you were sleeping. She's fine, just wanted to check how was camp going, if we were, in her words, having fun.” She snorted a laugh.

“Aw, Tammye's the best,” Kling smiled warmly. “Hope she's doing better.”

“Yeah, she sounded better,” Ali nodded. “But anyway, you should call your Mum.”

“It's weird, I didn't...” Ashlyn pulled her phone out of her pocket and saw it was dead. “Shit, I forgot to put it to charge, that's why I didn't hear it, and I didn't hear the alarm either.”

“Here,” Ali gave her, her own phone. “What's mine it's yours, isn't it?” she added with a half smile.

“Thanks babe,” Ashlyn munched while calling, to save herself some time. Just a quick check-in. “Hi Mum! I'm sorry I didn't answer, I'm without battery. Alex lent me her phone. What's up?” Ashlyn listened while eating, humming to signal she was still listening, as her mother told her about the flowers she and her Dad had planted in the garden in Christopher's honour, the visit she had received from Christopher's old favourite teacher, talking about work and a few other things that had happened since Ashlyn was gone. “Sounds cool, glad you're having fun. We're fine, just having lunch before gym session. Yes Mum, I've got a full plate. Yes, Ali's also got a full plate, just ate a whole steak by herself,” Ali chuckled, shaking her head, “right, thanks. Love you, I'll call you tonight. Bye. Thank you,” she returned the phone, “Mum sends kisses to everyone and worries you're getting a bit too skinny,” she added towards Ali, eliciting laughter in the table.

“Bless the in-laws, uh?” Crystal elbowed Ali playfully.

“Well, she's got nothing to worry about,” Ali said with the shadow of laughter still on her face, “full steak. Promise.”

While most girls went out after lunch, Ashlyn preferred to jump in the pool for a bit and then go to sleep. At the gym, each worried about their own things and focused on their exercises. Ashlyn noticed she had less energy than usual, but pulled through as to not show it. Exercise was always good to get her to discharge and relax, but the idea that she had to talk to Michelle right afterwards was deeply unappealing. She only had time to shower and change, and then she went back to the meetings' room, where Michelle saluted her and told her they'd go somewhere more private, because they didn't need a room so big. So hence they went to a smaller meetings room with only a couple sofas and a coffee table, that the hotel had assured them, they could use every day at the same hour.

“So Ashlyn, how was training? You look tired, that's a good thing.”

“Yes, but it's good tired, yes. Feels great to get some exercise in with the girls, the environment really pushes you forward.”

“Great! Nervous about training on the field tomorrow?”

“Not at all, I've missed it. It's been so long, I wasn't even married the last time,” Ashlyn side smiled, caressing her wedding band with her thumb discreetly. “I'm excited.”

“You're right, it's been quite long. And there's also the fact that you're back with your friends.”

“Absolutely. I mean I have friends in Orlando, but this is more like family. Some were my bridesmaids even.”

“So many years, uh? I was surprised to see you didn't go out with them after lunch.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly. So it was true. They were watching everything.

“Well, it's true,” Ashlyn shrugged. “I had to unpack and organize my gym stuff, I like to be way in advance. And then I figured I should call the family and ensure everybody is okay. I like to spend hours talking with my nephew, he's five now and knows a bunch of words.” She didn't want to say she had been sleeping again. She knew that would make her look like she was too tired, maybe struggling too much.

“Ash... why don't you tell me about your brother? How was he?”

“I thought you were a sports psychologist,” Ashlyn commented, “aren't we supposed to be talking about sports? Performance? You give me a pep talk and I go eat?”

“I have to look after the player's mental health, Ashlyn, that includes tackling anything that might affect your performance. I've even discussed love relationships with some of your friends, anything to make sure each and every one of you girls is okay. That's my ultimate goal.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn sighed, remembering Ali's words. She had to cooperate. “His name was Christopher. He was my best friend and the only person in the world who truly understood what our childhood was like. He was my greatest supporter and it sucks that he's gone. But I don't want to talk about my brother. Michelle, I come from two weeks surrounded by my mourning family and their sadness, talking about him and hearing them talk about him, and crying. Have you got any idea how emotionally draining that is?”

“I imagine it's a lot.”

“Yeah. And now if I want to get myself to be great emotionally then I have to talk about things that make me happy. Laughing with my friends helps, chatting helps, talking soccer helps, talking Olympics helps, throwing jokes helps. But if I have to talk about my brother once more Michelle, I might explode, I need a change of topic.”

“I understand, Ashlyn, but-,”

“But you don't,” Ashlyn cut her. “Look, I've always been outspoken about mental health, my problems... I've always talked with you when I needed it, I've always sought the help that I needed. I'm not one to hide things, I'm always loud and clear about my feelings and what goes on in my head, and you know it. But right now, I'd really love it if you and the staff could stop poking the wound a little, if you could let me be a little, you know? At least drop that subject. Because believe me, if I need to, I'll talk about him, but right now it's not helping. It's infuriating. You're treating me like a child.”

“I'm sorry,” Michelle accepted, leaning back and simply contemplated her with gentle eyes. “Why don't you pick the topic?”

“I want to talk about the Olympics. I'm nervous, I've never really had much to do with any... tell me about it. Tell me how the vibe is. Prepare me for what's coming, not for what came and went.”

When the chat ended, after barely an hour of meeting, Ashlyn was released, a bit early for dinner. She walked to the hotel's back garden, and found Ali chatting and laughing with the seniors of the team. They sat on the grass forming a circle and playing cards. Ali looked up at Ashlyn and saw the tiredness in her face, but determination in her eyes.

“How was it?” Ali asked, passing her a bottle of water as she sat next to her on the grass.

“Thanks,” Ashlyn took a large sip of water, not realizing how dry her throat was until then. “Michelle wanted to talk about my brother, so I made her talk about the Olympics and then it was great.”

“You sure you should tell a sports psychologist what's best to talk about?” Carli asked, not with judgement, but with some concern. “Maybe you should talk about your brother?”

“What's the point? No, for real now. He's dead,” Ashlyn said a little harshly. “He's not coming back, I know it. His body is ashes in the depths of the ocean, no chance of some Jesus style miracle,” she added softening her tone, “and I've spent two bloody weeks sank in my family's sadness, I want an out of it. I didn't come here to have more of the same thing, and I don't even get why they worry about my mental health, when I'm probably the person in this whole hotel who has most insisted on talking things and mental health ever. I brought TWLOHA into the team, I willingly go to Michelle every now and then, I'm the emotional talker personified. Why insist? I'd say it's pretty obvious if I needed to talk, I would.”

They looked at each other for a moment. They were all friends, they didn't have any problem talking about anything after so many years together.

“People change,” Tobin said simply, “perhaps she just wants to make sure you still talk when you need to, check with her own eyes that you're good.”

“If it serves of any consolation, tomorrow she'll probably dive right in into sporty stuff,” Alyssa added optimistically. “We have a big training day ahead, she cannot avoid the big Olympics shadow around the corner, even less now that we know that you and I will very likely be in halves.”

“Are we?” Ashlyn asked. She hadn't heard anything about the planning yeat.

“Yeah, I talked with Graeme today,” Alyssa told her. “He said April told her to prepare us to alternate and Adri to back-up. He wanted to speak with you too, but you were with Michelle, so I told him I'd tell you.”

“Thanks, Lyss. Any idea who gets which matches then?”

“No, but I suspect you get Brazil and Australia, because you play with Marta or Kenney in the Pride, so you train against her often. It'd make sense. I'll probably get France and Germany. He'll talk to you tomorrow for more details.”

That night, Tobin fell asleep before Ashlyn did, because as tired as she was, she couldn't stop feeling uneasy. It was like a constant feeling that she was going to be sidelined.

  
  


 


	12. Harris on three

**Chapter 12: Harris on three.**

Training during the next day was quite difficult and intense. The goalkeepers spent more time out in the field than anyone else, and it was confirmed by April that Ashlyn and Alyssa would alternate as starting keepers, but not in the way they had expected. Ashlyn would take Germany and France, who were in the top five of FIFA rankings, while Alyssa would take Australia and Brazil. That was exciting, because Ashlyn realized April wanted her for the hardest opponents.

“Is that really necessary? You behave like a rookie,” Rapinoe teased Ashlyn as they had dinner the day before the match and she insisted on watching Germany playing at the World Cup in her phone. “You've faced Germany before.”

“I know,” Ashlyn nodded, her eyes glued to the screen and a spoon midway to her mouth. “But I can always keep studying, right? Not gonna hurt.”

Ali smirked, looking at her wife across the table. Sometimes she could've sworn she was back to being a kid, watching old games, taking notes with compulsion during meals. She was just so excited about getting such big rivals it was unreal.

“It's okay to be a little nervous, Ash,” Tobin commented. “They've got good forwards. They could easily score on you if it wasn't because you've got top players in front to prevent you having to move a toe.”

“It'll be a clean sheet,” Ashlyn assured, nodding as she observed the game attentively. “No one will put a goal in my net.” _For Chris_ , she added in her mind. _We'll give him something worth-watching._

That night, as Ashlyn went to bed, she checked her Twitter and saw all the support to the message the USWNT and some teammates had posted or retweeted about how this game would be in memory of Christopher, although they'd wear the black armbands for the others as well. Ashlyn decided it was time. She looked in her phone and found a photograph of Ashlyn and Christopher carrying Ali bride-style between the two of them at their wedding reception. The three looked jaw-dropping, and the three were openly laughing so hard Ashlyn was surprised they didn't drop Ali, who held onto Christopher's neck crying of laughter. Posting that photograph in her IG —that was connected to her Twitter and Facebook—, she added a caption in compensation to the weeks without any posts:

' _Tomorrow will be a very especial game for the family and I. It's not just the very first time I've got the chance to play alongside my WIFE, it's also the very first time we both get to play as Krieger-Harris, our married surname, which is a huge step for us. We spent 9 years unable to be too loud about us, unable to hold hands in public, or have any sort of PDA (although of course we not always succeeded), always worried about being outed, pointed at, shamed, fired, or losing sponsorships and, with that, the ability to sustain ourselves financially. It's only been ten months of true freedom to love each other without negative repercussions, and they've been the best of my life, and finally, tomorrow, no matter the result, love wins once and for all, just like it won a few months ago when we had the liberty to run to each other and kiss as we won the World Cup together, while our teammates ran to the terraces to do the same with their partners and husbands._

_But another huge reason why tomorrow is a very, very BIG day to be a Harris (or Krieger, or both), is because tomorrow we honour the best man I've ever known. I'm still not too ready to talk about him without crying my eyes out, so I'll be a bit short on this, but I just want you to know it means the world to me that my team decided to support me and my family like this. It's huge, it's beautiful, and it absolutely signifies how much these people are family. I spend more time with them than with my biological family, and I know Christopher would've felt like the luckiest stud in the world seeing how much you all love him. It has taken a lot of convincing from my family to have me agree to come to camp this time around (because I was in Satellite until the very last second, taking care of my parents), but I'm sure they're the happiest I'm here knowing you guys take such good care of me._

_Here's to the best day of my life, with my two favourite people in this Earth, cracking our asses up like we always did. Photo cred by the one and only @KyleKriegerHair._

_Tomorrow, we'll make it a clean sheet, I promise you. Because tomorrow, I won't be alone inside the net._ '

Becky would be team captain this time around. Ashlyn had enjoyed seeing Ali playing against Australia just two days before, but it was way more enjoyable to see her play in front of her while she was in the net, shouting orders. She found her wife so sexy when she was playing, but now she had to shove those feelings down and focus on the ball. Germany was a team of closets, aggressive and serious. They looked fierce and made your legs shake with just glaring at you as if you had raped their daughters or something, so the game turned tough very quickly, Ashlyn knew, it.

The game was also especial because it'll be the first time both Ashlyn and Ali played together since their wedding, with their married names on their backs, so many friends and family came to see. They stood and listened to both hymns and then Alex elbowed Ashlyn lightly and pointed at the terraces. There were several fans who were showing things in remembrance of Christopher. Not just hearts with the initials 'CRH' inside, but also a big American flag with a black heart and a C next to it, or big posters saying 'We love you C & A Harris', between many other ways. Ashlyn felt herself a little emotional and grinned. The whole team had decided to wear, during the four January games, black armbands in tribute and support to the Harris family, which Ashlyn had loved, but now, on her first game back, she realized just how much everybody cared.

When the team got in circle before the match begun, with arms over each other, listening to their captain's words of support, however, Ashlyn was still not expecting her team's surprise.

“Okay girls,” Becky said. “Germany's a great team, but we're better. Listen to me real good now, okay? This game is not just about kicking a ball. This is not why we play. This is a game about friendship, family. About playing it with your people and having fun, and coming and seeing the games and having fun, it's a game about feeling you belong to a team, to a soccer family. A couple weeks ago we lost a friend, a member more of this family that we've all formed,” Ashlyn clenched her teeth trying not to get more emotional and smiled at Becky, “Chris loved football just as much, if not more, than us. Chris gave us our excellent goalkeeper, Chris came and watched us a bunch of times at home and here at the stadium. Chris was our brother, and he's gone, but not forgotten. And up there in heaven there's no TV, so we're going to give him something good to watch today, okay? A hell of a good game, fair play. We're gonna give it our best and we're gonna play for Chris, who cannot play anymore, and for our sister Ash who's here with us today instead of home because we're family too, and for the Harris family who have given so much sacrifice to this game. And we're gonna give them a clean sheet and a big victory because God knows they need some good news, okay? Every time during this game that you feel tired and you think you cannot put another goal in, I want you to look at that black band and think if Chris doesn't deserve one more, or you can make a bigger effort. So hands in!” Everybody moved their hands in, and Ashlyn ignored the TV microphone in a pole over their heads. She hoped, however, her family had heard Becky's words. “Harris on three. One, two...!”

“HARRIS!”

“Thanks girls,” Ashlyn told them, clearing her throat. They palmed each other's backs and Ali gave her a quick hand squeeze before running to their positions. She rubbed her eyes with one glove as she ran to the goalposts and smiled, nodding to herself. They were going to give Chris one hell of a game to watch. “Hey wife!” she shouted at Ali, winking at her. “That jersey rocks, safe game today!” she grinned and gave her a thumbs up.

The first minutes of the game were tense and tough, but then, something shifted, and Ashlyn felt more relaxed. She felt like when she played with Chris. Yes, it was about winning, but it was about something more. It was about having fun, about taking advantage of the experience to burn the memory in your brain, about enjoying and loving it. She found herself amused by Germany's attempts to put a goal instead of anxious and nervous, she found herself singing chants with the stadium, shouting good job at her friends instead of criticizing all the time, and dying for action. She could almost hear Christopher by her ear shouting 'that's right sis! You can do this!'.

She enjoyed the game like a child, not just because she got to see her surname on Ali's back the whole time, and she did what she felt was her best game. She enjoyed it for the weeks in sadness, for the months without soccer, for those who could no longer enjoy it. She had some rough saves that kept her on the grass for a couple seconds just to check she hadn't broken anything, but when the first half ended, it was clean sheet and the US had put not one but two goals in their net.

“Hey Becks!” Ashlyn ran to Becky as they were going back into the locker room for the half-time. “Thank you. You did something amazing, Cap.”

Becky smiled at her, patting her back.

“I've got two big brothers and to be honest, if one of them died I...” she shook her head. “I think it's what we all thought when we heard. Most of us have siblings. So you know... you've got a couple dozen sisters here who love you, all right?”

“Thank you,” Ashlyn nodded, truly grateful.

When the second half came, Germany was furious and showing, so the US had to get more aggressive as well. It was funny, because Ashlyn and Ali had played with German players, had friends who were German, even more Ali, and they took things without so much aggressiveness, but the others were unforgiving. In the seventy-third minute, with the numbers 3-0, a new German forward decided that the easiest way to take the ball from Ali was to throw herself against Ali, and Ashlyn held herself scream indignant, as well as the American fans booing. She had just knocked Ali down, not tried to take her ball.

Both players fell to the ground, the German on top, but the German quickly stood up, although the referee was already running to them with a yellow card, while Ali stayed on the ground.

“Come on Alex!” Ashlyn shouted from the goal. And then, since the game had been stopped by the referee and the trainer was called over, she made a run for it and joined the teammates who were crowding around his wife. “Alex,” she called, moving between the women and kneeling by her wife, who kept a wooden band in substitution of her wedding band during games. Ali was on her side, eyes shut close and arms around her belly, groaning, and Ashlyn put a hand on her shoulder and gently turned her to lie on her back, “what's wrong Ali? What hurts?”

“Ugh,” Ali opened her eyes and took a deep breath. “It's okay, I'm fine. She just... the elbow went to my lungs and I forgot how to breathe for a moment. I'm fine.”

“That was a hard tackle, sure you're good?” Becky asked, having come over.

“Krieger, what's up?” the trainer came around, kneeling next to the defender. “Knees okay?”

“Yeah, no, I'm fine, the air got knocked out and I couldn't breathe, but I'm okay now, thanks.”

“Let me check just in case,” the trainer touched with his hands in her abdomen a little, and she winced slightly, but it was just bruises. “Okay, you're good. Head good, you didn't hit?”

“No, her head hit my shoulder,” Ali answered sitting up.

“Okay,” Ashlyn patted her shoulder, “let's not underestimate these Germans, last we need is an injury before the Olympics.”

“Exactly. We've already won, so try as hard as possible not to get injured and don't let them into our half of the field,” Becky told them as they all gathered standing up.

The game was resumed and eventually, Germany was very close to a goal. Ashlyn did a desperate jump from it when a tall ball was thrown from pretty much the middle of the field, and she never thought she could realistically reach the ball, but she felt the tips of her fingers push the ball aside, and saved the goal. The fans were euphoric, chanting her name, fuelling her. Finally the US put another goal in, and the game was over.

The USWNT had never had such a crushing victory over Germany, and they instantly ran to each other, hugging and cheering.

“You know what,girls?” said Ali as they all changed clothes in the locker room and she put some ice in her war bruises. “I think Chris was with us today.”

“Yeah,” Tobin chuckled, “I don't like to say a man helped us, but for one time...!”

After Ashlyn's routine session with Michelle, this time after dinner because they arrived to the hotel right in dinner time, Ashlyn made a detour for Ali's room and peeked into the room, finding Ali lying on her bed, watching TV and putting some pomade on the bruises that covered areas of her abdomen.

“May I?” Ashlyn asked from the door. Ali smiled at her and waved for her to come in, her engagement and wedding rings back in their place, just like Ashlyn's.

“Congrats on your clean sheet. Alyssa didn't get one,” Ali commented cheerful. “Long is outside, so we've got some time.”

“Good. I thought Lyssa didn't play alone?” Ashlyn joked, sitting with her wife, taking the pomade from her and delicately putting in on.

“Look, outside I'm defender, I love Alyssa and if she can't make a save, we all allowed that goal to happen, but in the bedroom, I love my wife, my wife is the best goalkeeper in the world, and everyone else sucks,” Ali said, making her laugh.

“In all fairness, the other day you didn't play with such awesome encouragement words. This looks painful, sure you're okay?”

“Yeah, the team medics already checked just in case, I'm okay. Bruises, I don't look half as bad as in the end of the World Cup, it looked like we had just left the World War, remember?”

“That split lip was sexy though.” Ali rolled eyes, chuckling.

“You just love the idea of sexy warrior.”

“It's not an idea, it's a reality,” Ashlyn replied, closing the pomade and going to the bathroom to wash her hands. “Done, one more life saved.” She joked, making Ali giggle. When Ashlyn came back, she sat on the feet of the bed, taking one of Ali's feet, that her wife so disliked, into her lap and massaging it gently. Ali moaned softly.

“Good Lord, those hands...”

“I'm a keeper!” she joked, then getting serious. “Ali... I've been having these dreams with Chris...” Ali's eyes snapped open and she looked at her.

“Have you told Michelle?”

“No. It's not like I don't trust her, it's just... thinking she goes and tells April is a bit unnerving.”

“Patient-psychologist confidentiality, remind her.”

“Maybe I will.”

“So what's about?”

“In the nightmares, better called... well, it's always more or less the same. I either can't find Christopher, or find him but he's leaving and he doesn't wait for me, or... sometimes I dream I'm at his house while he's... and I yell at him to stop, but he cannot hear me. And I see him... fall asleep.”

“Jesus, Ash...” Ali sighed, sitting up and caressing her face, with compassion, but not pity.

“It doesn't haven every time I sleep just... now and then. Not too often. But it's a bit unnerving.”

“Of course. I did notice you kick more in your sleep the last few times.”

“Do I? I'm sorry.”

“It's okay, I just squeeze more so you can't move,” Ali winked with a small smile. Ashlyn returned the small smile and they held hands over the comforter.

“Maybe it sounds crazy,” said Ashlyn after a moment of silence, “but on the night he died, there was a moment I got a strong stomachache. I thought it was because I was mad at you, or because I had drank too much, or I don't know, but the other day I saw the papers with the info on Christopher's death, when the doctor estimated it happened... and I realized the hour... it could be the same. I wasn't looking at the clock when I got the stomachache, but I went home shortly after, and by the time I got home Christopher was already dead, so... and weirdly enough, my stomach only hurt for a few seconds, like really intense and it was gone. Enough time to fear an appendicitis, actually,” Ali observed her intently. “Do you think it's possible that somehow... no, it's just stupid.”

“No,” Ali shook her head. “I've heard a lot of people say they felt it when someone close died. One of my cousins told me years ago that her friend's father died, and the night he died, he was in the hospital, sick, and the friend was home alone. Apparently that night the friend got a sudden diarrhoea, with the stomach hurting, and a couple hours later, her mother arrived from the hospital, that was an hour from the house, and told her, her father had died, in the middle of the night.”

“Woah. Creepy.”

“Yeah. Maybe there are times in which for some reason... I mean, you share DNA with someone, right? It's freaky, but what if that gave you some connection forever, and if one dies, the matching cells in the other body just... detect it? It happens in nature. There are species who detect if one of them died, who feel it. Or maybe when he died, he went to you somehow, and a part of you felt him close. I don't know. It's already a coincidence that on the same night the two siblings were struggling, anyway.”

“Yeah...” Ashlyn nodded, glad to talk things out with her wife. It wasn't like she wanted to hear nothing in particular, just get thoughts out of just being in her mind. “What do you think I should do about my dreams?”

“You could try to transform them as you dream. Control them,” Ali suggested, tracing patterns on the goalkeeper's square hands. “Or... you could stop fighting them, and observe what happens. For what you've told me, you get anxious and shout at him. Well, try not. He's dead, nothing you can do, right? Dreams aren't to change the past. They're to give you a perspective that helps you understand. Try to see that perspective instead of fighting it.”

Ashlyn nodded, then elbowed her playfully.

“When did you become so wise?”

“Ugh, I've got this wife who's always giving good advice and being so smart, it's contagious,” Ali joked, and giggled as Ashlyn gave in and kissed her passionately. “Come on shark, get out of here before we lose it.” Ali said as they pulled apart, dragging Ashlyn's lip between her own a little.

“All right,” Ashlyn smirked, getting up. “Goodnight princess. Love you.”

“I love you too. Sweet dreams.”

 


	13. The French

**Chapter 13: The French.**

After having knocked the Germans, they were confident France's team wouldn't be that much of a problem, but, as Dawn Scott told them, they had to keep in mind the humiliation that had been for France that the US won the World Cup the prior summer, when it had been France who had hosted it and maintained itself in the game until the final, where finally they had been defeated by the Americans. The French were angry, and they had great pressure that they had to defeat them in their territory now, or be the mocking of France.

“People take these things too seriously,” Tobin was saying as they all left a team meeting before the game. “This isn't the fucking World War.”

“Don't you take it so seriously?” questioned Morgan Brian then.

“Yes, but I know my country loves me win or lose, I'm not so pathetic.”

They laughed and continued walking towards the bus to get to the game. Ashlyn was sitting with Rapinoe, and Ali passed by their side and squeezed Ashlyn's shoulder.

“Nervous?”

“Know what I did today, Al?” Ashlyn smirked. “I hate a French crepe! I'm going to kick their butts with their own fuel.” Several girls around them heard and laughed, and Ali grinned and shook her head, going to find herself a seat next to Alex Morgan.

The rivalry and competitiveness were unreal at the highest level, but they smiled politely and saluted the French team. Some of them were friends with some of the other team, so there was a level of friendship and camaraderie, but Ashlyn knew all of that would be forgotten the second the whistle blew.

As it was the last game of January, and they'd be going home the day after the next —which was a rest day to be able to withstand so many hours in a plane afterwards— the USWNT was a bit tired, but they still gave it their best, although for the first half an hour, nothing happened. It was when the first half was about to end, that the US scored thanks to Sydney Leroux, who was back from missing the World Cup due to her baby girl. Returning for the second half, France had redoubled its efforts and almost scored twice, but Ashlyn saved the day, earning to have fans chanting her name, waving in the air 'Brick Wall Harris' posters.

Towards the 80th minute, it was a 2-0 victory for the US, and France was very, very pissed off and getting nasty. At one point, Ashlyn had to jump out of the goal posts to get the ball almost out of the goalkeeping area, and when she fell back on the ground she continued to hear fans making noise as if 'danger', so she scrambled to cover the ball with her body, and grab it properly, to make sure no one would take it from her.

But then, she heard some shouting of 'HEY HEY!' and with a sharp pain on her temple, it all went black.

The stadium was furious and booing, and two French players ran to grab the one who had just ran to Ashlyn just to kick her head hard with the boot when the goalkeeper managed a firm grip of the ball. As the French tried to excuse it saying, in broken English, that she was just trying to take the ball from the keeper and didn't see her head, Ali and other American players ran to the goalkeeper, who wasn't moving. The kick had been strong enough to make her roll so they could see her face, and she lied motionless on the grass, looking asleep, with blood coming out of her right temple and onto the grass. In the meantime, the referee blew his whistle to stop the game and signal a red card to the French.

“Ashlyn!” Ali felt her heart beating accelerated in her throat. Her brother Kyle, who was in LA often, had come to watch the game, and she could feel his eyes on the back of her head. It was never good when a player lost consciousness, and Ali knew it was important for her to calculate about how long she was unconscious so she could tell the medics. “Ash, come on baby!” she carefully shook the goalkeeper, making sure not to shake her head any further, and softly patted her sweaty cheeks, pressing her fingers against her throat to feel for a pulse and breathing in relief when she found it. But her lips were slightly parted and her eyes closed, and there was no movement whatsoever, no even slight.

“Shit!” Rapinoe, Alex, Sydney and Carli had arrived, and Carli was already taking off Ashlyn's gloves and tape to see if she could move a finger a little, while the referee called the medical team.

 _It must have been over a minute now_ thought Ali panicking, squeezing her now uncovered hand and trying to feel if she squeezed back.

“I need space, I need space!” three EMS arrived shouting and pulling a stretcher.

“She's been out for like a minute or so,” Ali said moving a little to let them work, but staying by her side holding her sweaty hand. “I'm her wife, I just want to help.”

“Okay, Ashlyn, can you hear me?” a female EMS used a pencil like lantern to check the goalkeeper's pupils, while holding her eyes open with her thumb. “Unequal pupils, there's a concussion for sure... Ash, Ash, can you hear me?”

“That was some nasty play,” a male EMS knelt next to them, shaking his head. “How old is she?” she asked Ali.

“Thirty-four,” Ali replied, anguished. “Is she going to be okay? Because her parents just lost their other child, and...” she bit her lip, anxious, shaking her head.

“Don't worry Kriegs, keepers are especially trained for concussions and collisions,” Alex assured, putting an arm around Ali's shoulders. “Calm down, okay? She'll be fine, sweetie... Not the first time...”

“Isn't it?” the female EMS asked. Ali shook her head.

“She collided with a player and got a concussion five years ago,” Ali explained. “She didn't lose consciousness, and she kept playing just like that. A headache a couple days and she was fine, tough skull or so.”

“She's waking up,” the female EMS said, holding Ashlyn's face and neck with her hands to keep her from moving, “she's moving her eyelids a little,” Ali breathed out in relief and she was surprised she wasn't sobbing. It had been at least two minutes. “Okay, we're going to take her to the hospital and make sure she's okay. Ashlyn, hey, wake up girl, we need you awake now.” Ashlyn blinked and her hands quivered slightly as she gulped and tried to distinguish anything aside from the intense headache, but everything was blurry.

“There you are!” another EMS smiled in relief. “Well done.”

“What...?” Ashlyn murmured, her throat dry, blinking rapidly.

“Hi Ash, we're the Emergency Medical Service, I'm Jane, you're in good hands, don't worry,” the female EMS handled things. “You've suffered a kick on the head, can you move your feet for me?”

“I uh...” Ashlyn furrowed her eyebrows slightly, as she discovered that hurt, but moved her feet to the sides.

“Good!” the EMS Jane smiled warmly. Ashlyn's eyes couldn't quite focus, but it was a step forward. “Can you remember your full name, your job maybe?”

“I... what?” Ashlyn looked confused at her. There was just so much noise, and so much light.

“Ash, tell her your name,” Ali chimed in, smiling at her as she patted her belly gently.

“I'm... Ashlyn Krieger-Harris,” the goalkeeper said at last, feeling uneasy. “It hurts... where...? Where's my... Mum?” she looked around, confused, but only saw blurry faces. She knew Ali was there because she heard her. “Ali, Alex, my Mum...”

“Your Mum's okay sweetie, she's at home,” Ali reassured her.

“She's just confused, that's normal,” Jane said. “Do you know where you are, Ashlyn?”

“I...” Ashlyn puffed. “I wanna go home. This isn't funny guys... hurts...” she rubbed her face, feeling as if it was going to burst.

“Okay, let's just take her inside,” Jane instructed her mates. “Let's wrap her up into the table and then put her on the stretcher. Ashlyn, I need you to tell me if you're going to throw up, okay?”

“I'm not going... I...”

“Ash, look at me,” Ali cupped her face gently and watched as Ashlyn tried to focus on her. “Focus on me, okay? I know it hurts, but we need to strap you to something to make sure you don't move and hurt yourself more, and then these people will take you to the hospital, and there won't be so much noise and lights anymore,” she knew what she was thinking, because she had been there. When you had a concussion you wanted silence, peace, quiet and darkness, and this was the absolute opposite, probably the worst place to suffer a concussion. “You will feel better then, I promise.”

“Come with me?” Ashlyn begged, and Ali felt terrible not to be able to say yes.

“No, I can't, we're in a game, Ashlyn. We're playing soccer. But tell you what, Kyle will go with you, okay? Remember Kyle?”

“My cousin?” she asked confused. “Why's my cousin...?”

“No, no, my brother. Kyle Krieger, remember?”

“Ah, yes... Kyle here?”

“He's with the fans, I'll tell someone to get him. Jane, can you get my brother to go with her? He'll know how to keep her calm for me,” Ali asked the EMS with pleading eyes. “Maybe he can go in the ambulance?”

“Sure, where is he?”

“In the terraces, I can see him from here... Alex,” she looked for Alex Morgan. “Can you give Kyle a shout? Tell him to run, and tell April to send someone to bring him to the ambulance?”

“I'm on it,” Alex Morgan ran to the sidelines, and the others strapped Ashlyn carefully onto a board before lifting her to the stretcher.

“Alex, can't see you, Alex,” Ashlyn called drowsily, her vision blurrier if they moved. Ali moved to grab her hand and leaned to kiss her forehead softly.

“I'm here, but I can't stay much longer, okay?”

“I don't want you to go.”

“I know, but I have to, I don't want to either babe, I'm sorry,” Ali caressed her hair softly while an EMS put a gauze on the bleeding cut. “You'll be okay, just do what the doctors say, Kyle will be with you. And I'll be there as fast as I can, I promise.”

“'Kay. Al!”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Ali smiled at her squeezing her hand, walked with them to the edge of the field, and then let her go, knowing she had to trust others to care for her, just for now. Another EMS took Ashlyn's hand to comfort her, and she knew she was in good hands.

“Kyle's on his way,” Alex had gotten to Ali. “April asked someone from security to get him and bring him to the ambulance, they're coordinating.”

“Okay,” Ali nodded, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “Thanks Alex. Let's go win this thing so I can see my wife.”

 


	14. I dreamed of you

**Chapter 14: I dreamed of you.**

“Hello,” Ashlyn woke up to see Christopher grinning at her.

“Stud!” Ashlyn grinned huge and sat up, hugging her brother tightly. Her face collided with his board like chest, and he giggled, accepting the hug. He smelled like always, a bit sweaty and of shaving cream. “I thought I'd never see you again.”

“Don't be dramatic, you were just sleeping,” they pulled apart, and Ashlyn saw she was in her bedroom in Satellite Beach. “Come on, let's catch some waves.”

Suddenly they appeared in the beach, with no idea of how they got there. They were both in neoprene suits and sitting on their boards in the water, both soaked.

“Fun, isn't it?” Christopher grinned at her, his smile big as always, his hair soaked and dark. Ashlyn looked at him intently, taking the view in.

“I missed this,” Ashlyn admitted.

“Then you should come more often, you're so busy with the wife and the kids... and bring them next time, damn it! I haven't seen my kiddos in forever.”

“Kids?”

“Did you hit your head with a wave?” Christopher laughed. “Earth calling Ashlyn, you're a mother!”

“Oh,” Ashlyn half-smiled. “Sorry, I'm a bit slow. I dreamed you were dead.”

“Did you?” Christopher got serious, then looked around. “That explains it.”

“Explains what?” he smiled at her.

“Don't worry, sis. I'm here. I'm always here, see? You close your eyes, and we're back in the waves. Easy as that.”

. . .

Ali sat next to Ashlyn's bed as she slept. She had just arrived at the hospital, showered and changed, and Kyle had told her Ashlyn had needed a tiny surgery to repair some bleeding because an artery that goes beneath the temple had received a small cut. It was all repaired and well now, and the doctors were confident she'd make a full recovery, but now she needed to rest and stay in bed, so there was a thick bandage around her head and she was being monitored with cables and machines, while her wife held her hand softly. She had already called Ashlyn's parents and her own parents, and the doctors planned to release the goalkeeper the next day after 24h in observation, so they could go back to Orlando as planned, but once there they'd have to pass by the hospital to get her checked with their GP.

“She looks peaceful,” Kyle commented in a whisper, squeezing his sister's shoulder softly. The room was full, but everyone was dead quiet to avoid waking the goalkeeper or disturbing her. Ashlyn's face looked a bit pale, but relaxed, like she was simply taking a nap.

“Thanks for staying with her for me,” said Ali softly. “I didn't want to leave her alone if she was so confused.”

“No problem, she's my littlest sister,” Kyle smiled warmly at her. He took it upon himself to be the big brother for the both of them now. He always had, but now more than ever. He thought about it as a silent promise to Christopher to take care of what he had cared for the most.

“Coach, that player, Lacroix, there will be major measures against her, right?” Christen asked looking at the coach. “She could've killed her, and it was an attack unrelated to soccer. She saw perfectly well Ash already had the ball, and kicked her with rage.”

“The Federation is already taking a look into it, they'll make a decision. My bet is she'll be punished,” April said calmly, understanding the team's shock and frustration.

“She was intentionally brutal, she wanted to hurt her. Shouldn't be allowed to play again,” Tobin opined, shaking her head.

“What's soccer's fun without some fights?” Ashlyn murmured drowsily, opening her eyes a little and forming a weak, small smile.

“Ash,” Ali smiled, caressing her cheek. “How're you feeling, sweetie?” the goalkeeper groaned.

“Like a train crushed my head,” said Ashlyn, blinking in an attempt to wake herself up. “Why s'much light?”

“One sec,” Kyle turned the lights off, leaving on just one light bar over the bed that pointed only to the ceiling, giving the room a dimly light. Ashlyn could open her eyes more like this and looked around, making sure not to move her head much because it felt like the room never stopped moving a little.

“What happened?” Ashlyn asked, furrowing her eyebrows a she felt a heavy bandage around her head and saw most of her teammates and coaches there, looking worried, as she identified she was in a hospital room. She tried to think of the last memory, but all she could remember was having breakfast with the girls at the hotel.

“A French player got pissed you grabbed the ball before she did, so she ran to you and kicked you in the head before no one could stop her, while you were on the ground with the ball,” Ali explained with a soft voice. “You passed out for a couple minutes, and then they took you here to make sure it was just a concussion, but then you needed a small surgery on your temple, because apparently there's an artery there and it was bleeding inside a little, nothing too significant, but could've killed you in the long run if no one had realized.”

“How fun,” Ashlyn said sarcastically.

“You don't remember anything, do you?” Rapinoe asked her.

“No,” replied Ashlyn. “So the game already passed? How much did I play?”

“About eighty minutes,” April answered. “Don't worry, the doctor says in a month or two you'll be ready to come back on the field. Apparently you've got a hard skull and the concussion is only mild, she probably hurt her foot more. And thanks to the goalkeeping neck training, you didn't break it.”

“Jesus, what month is it even?”

“January, well, February in a couple days,” Ali replied. “Do you know where we are?”

“Los Angeles, I'd hope,” said Ashlyn. “I remember the game against Germany, and the camp...”

“Yeah, and tomorrow they'll release you, and then the next morning we'll go back to Orlando, and get you checked with the doc there, so all good,” said Ali with a hint of cheerfulness.

The prospective of going home soon was both great and frightening, as Ashlyn didn't want to imagine the pain of airports with her current state. But her mind had gotten somewhere else, and she suddenly panicked.

“My parents! If they've seen the match, they'll be thinking I'm dead or something.”

“Don't worry, what's your wife for, uh?” Ali chuckled. “The game was at three, when in Satellite is six. By the time you got injured it was almost eight and your parents were in bed, not sleeping. I called them already and they saw nothing, and I told them not to watch any videos because it looked far worse than it turned out to be, you lying there motionless and bleeding so long. I gave them a more softened version of what happened, and they'll come by and check on you when we're home.”

Ashlyn breathed out in relief.

“Thanks Alex, I don't want to give them a heart attack. Was it that scary?”

“Well, when you almost couldn't tell your name to the EMS, we freaked out a little in the inside,” Alex Morgan half smiled. “But you're good now, right? Just a headache?”

“Doesn't hurt too badly, I guess with the medication...” Ashlyn answered. “It's more like the hungover of my life, and my body feels a little... off, weak or something. And if you move fast, I'll lose you, I'm sure. I'm so regretting French restaurants right now.” She joked, making them giggle a little.

“We won't go to any other, promise,” Ali said, amused, squeezing her hand.

“I've got one question tho,” Ashlyn murmured, starting to feel tired and energy-less. “I didn't dream Chris' death, did I?” Ali's expression turned serious and she shook her head, pressing her lips together.

“I'm sorry, but no. He's still dead.” Ashlyn went to nod, but quickly decided against it as just starting the movement already made everything spin.

“That's okay,” the goalkeeper said at last. “My brain's just a little confused right now.”

“Well you should probably rest it,” Dawn Scott said. “You sleep now, have some good rest, and tomorrow evening they'll let you go. Don't rush it, you know these things go better if you take your time.”

“Yeah, we should go,” Becky agreed, nodding. “Night night Ash.” She smiled.

“Will you stay?” Ashlyn asked Ali with pleading eyes.

“I'm sorry,” Ali leaned to kiss her cheek. “The doctor said no one could stay, since you're in observation and they're coming and going all the time. But I'll be here first thing in the morning.” Ashlyn forced a small smile.

“It's fine. See you tomorrow then, goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Ali gave her a short peck on the lips and a last squeeze of hand and got up. The others waved and wished her goodnights, smiling, and then the door closed and Ashlyn was alone.

She didn't get to feel lonely for long though, as soon she was back to sleep.

 


	15. A shark in a cave

**Chapter 15: A shark in a cage.**

“Here's some Ibuprofen,” Ali said taking a tablet from the box and giving it to her wife alongside a glass of water. “I'm going to walk Logan, your parents are in the living room if you need anything.” She pressed a kiss to Ashlyn's forehead, and got up to where she was sitting on the verge of the bed.

“Thanks babe, happy walk.”

“Sweet dreams,” Ali smiled at her. “Rest, okay? You heard the doctor.”

“Yes Mum,” Ashlyn joked, and closed her eyes, snuggling into bed.

They had just arrived from a doctor's appointment in Orlando, to get Ashlyn checked and get some tests going to make sure her head was okay and there was no risk of her not waking up one morning. The goalkeeper was exhausted, dizzy and was having strong headaches ever since the flight, that had definitely not helped, with the pressurization and depressurization, the long time flying, the lack of proper rest, the noise, the lights, and the airport lines and whatnot. She had thrown-up in the airport in Orlando, and Ali had had to practically drag her around herself, carrying all their things by herself while Ashlyn walked slowly behind her.

So when the doctor had assured Ibuprofen was okay, that it didn't produce addiction and would help with the pain and brain swelling, it felt like a blessing from God. Logan leaped onto the bed, she cuddled against her dog, and was happily asleep.

When she next woke up, she decided to try to get out of the bed. She slowly rolled on one side, sat up, and closed her eyes until the room stopped moving. Then slowly stand up and repeat the process, holding onto the wall. It was dark on the other side of the window, and she could smell dinner, so she slowly walked towards the kitchen, really slowly, because every time she changed pressure on one foot, the room staggered.

“Hi sweetheart,” Tammye grinned at her when she saw her, walking over to kiss her cheek. “How are you?”

“I'm uh... needed to stretch. Dad and Ali?”

“Setting the table, look how delicious this looks,” Tammye had made mac n' cheese, and Ashlyn felt her stomach grumble. “We'll fill you a big plate.”

“Hey, shouldn't you be in bed?” Ali and Mike had come over to fetch more stuff for the table. Ashlyn turned to see her and had to close her eyes again for a moment and hold onto the kitchen island until things stopped wobbling.

“I'm hungry,” said Ashlyn. “And I'm an athlete. I can't lie down for long.”

Ali half smiled and rolled eyes.

“Let me help you get to the table so you can sit down, then.”

“Okay, and can I get one more Ibuprofen?”

“It's been four hours already, uh? I'll give you another 200mg, only what the doctor said...” she put a firm arm around her and carefully directed her to the chair. Good thing she had experience suffering two concussions herself.

As they ate, Ashlyn supported her forehead on her hand while eating. It was extremely uncomfortable. The slightest noise of cutlery against the plate was amplified by a million in her head and it hurt, the glass against the table hurt, even munching noise hurt. Every sound seemed to be so much louder, and she was soon closing her eyes and trying to eat fast and get it out of the way. Ali knew she was extremely uncomfortable, but there was nothing they could do that they weren't doing; being as quiet as possible. They were whispering every conversation even, and trying to avoid chatting much.

“Maybe we should leave tomorrow,” said Mike, seeing Ashlyn's pained expression. “The least people here, the quieter it'll be, better for you, right honey?”

“I'm sorry Dad,” Ashlyn murmured. “But you're right. I'm dying here.”

“Let's get you back to bed,” Ali decided getting up. “Come on, you can eat there.”

That night, before going to bed, Ali woke her gently to change the gauze of the surgical wound. They had simply used the cut the player had done her, cutting a bit deeper with the scalpel for the surgery and then putting a few stitches. They needed to be cleaned, and the gauze changed, every day. In two days more, they could remove the gauze and let it heal on its own, when the risk of infection was reduced.

“Thanks for taking care of me so well, babe,” Ashlyn murmured sleepy, as she felt the gentle dabbing as Ali cleaned the wound. “I don't know what I'd do without you.”

“My pleasure,” Ali kissed on top of the gauze once it was covering the wound, and after putting things away and washing her hands, slid under the covers with her, spooning her gently.

“Ali?” Ashlyn's voice came up, when she thought she had already fallen asleep.

“Yeah?”

“I miss Christopher's voice.”

“I think I've got some audios from him in the phone,” Ali said, fetching it. For a few minutes, they listened to some stupid audios from him to listen to his voice and they allowed themselves to cry just a little bit, quietly. Finally Ali put her phone away and Ashlyn snuggled against her, closing her eyes.

“What if in forty years, when I'm old, I no longer remember him?” Ashlyn murmured then.

“Don't worry,” said Ali, kissing the top of her head. “I'll make sure to save all the photos, audios and videos of him I can find, so you never forget him, okay?”

“You'll do that for me?”

“I'd do anything for you. Now, sleep.”

The marriage said goodbye to the Harrises in the morning, and Ashlyn apologized profusely for having them have to go, but they didn't mind at all. They were happy with having spent a little bit with her. Then, Ali went shopping, because after a month practically not being home, a big shopping was required, and she'd take the car. Ashlyn, taking advantage of the quiet home and feeling a bit like an enclosed animal, lied down on the sofa in their garden, while a dose of Ibuprofen gave her the bliss of not hurting much for a few hours, just listening to the pool's streams and the soft breeze shaking the trees, while Logan collected sticks and branches.

The goalkeeper was content with her cosy blanket and the pillows, for the first time checking her phone, first putting the screen brightness to a minimum. As it was to be expected, she had a million messages from people all over the world sending wishes for a fast recovery, after the official USWNT had announced their keeper had a concussion and a small surgery to repair a small bleeding just outside the skull. Her family had texted and called as well. Ashlyn took a selfie showing the small bandage and the bruise around it, along with her tired face, but smiling nevertheless, and posted it.

' _Don't worry friends, they don't call me Brick Wall Harris for nothing! I was just unconscious because my wife still sends my heart flipping when I least expect it ;) got bandaged-up, got kissed better, and I'm back home resting properly. The room dances every time I move, but that just adds more adrenaline to the day! Big thanks and big shoot-out to all my team-mates and EMS who gave me the first aid, made me company and held my hand. I'm sure I was a handful, because I remember nothing, but I know what you did and you guys are the absolute best! And also, esssspecial thanks to my bro Kyle, who I'm told ran to be with me in the ambulance and hospital, my wifey who had my back even though she had to keep playing, and USWNT staff for being so reassuring and sympathetic and taking the best care of me.'_

As she was bored, Ashlyn checked her Instagram further and saw Ali had also posted about their wedding just days before, when she was just discharged from the hospital. It showed them sitting side-by-side at their table during the post-wedding lunch, and Ali had moved to put her hand in the cheek of Ashlyn that was opposite her, to press her face against her own lips and kiss her nearest cheek. The smile in her lips as she kissed her was evident, and Ashlyn had grinned like a fool, closing her eyes. Ali's caption said ' _This one proved once more she's made of something tougher than steel, and I get to take her home with meee!! eeek!! #CuddlesForRecovery #MyKeeper #TheKeepersKeeper'_ Ashlyn laughed out-loud and felt the need to reply ' _Kweeennn I'm so lucky at the end of the day I get to be with youu! Now for real, every time I look at our wed pics, feels like my heart is about to get a stroke #NoJoke #Stunning #PrincessWarrior #LuckyMe_ '

Next she knew, she had fallen asleep and was waking up with a huge headache that made her head feel like it was about to explode. Checking her watch, she saw it had only been two hours since the last pill, but she imagined if it was one every four hours, it was the same as taking half every two hours. She'd go and cut one in half, and maybe that would help.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Ashlyn groaned trying to walk into the house. She had to stop after every step because of how much everything wobbled, and it took her quite a long time to reach the medicine cabinet. By then, the pain was unreal, and her hands were shaking as she got one Ibuprofen from the box and struggled to cut it with a knife, as it was such a tiny tablet and tough like brick. She finally gulped it and slid to the floor with her head and back against the kitchen counter, sitting on the floor and closing her eyes. Logan came over and licked her face and she patted her lazily.

As much as she hated being so enclosed and was dying to get out and play, she had to admit the closer she stayed from the ibuprofen box, the better. Maybe she should carry it in her pocket.

The main door opened and Logan ran to welcome Ali and Ashlyn listened as she waited for the painkiller to do something, hearing Ali sweetly complimenting Logan and greeting her, and the rush of bags. Ali came to the kitchen to put everything away and when she saw Ashlyn, she dropped the bags and rushed to her.

“Oh my God Ash, are you okay?”

“I'm just sitting here, don't worry,” Ashlyn opened her eyes and smiled weakly. Ali had squatted in front of her, visibly scared, with her messy bun, and a hand on her shoulder. “I had to take half a tablet, it hurts so much. Just waitin' for it to do something.”

Ali looked up to see the other half on the counter next to a knife, and nodded, sitting next to her and taking her hand in hers.

“You're really poorly, uh?” Ali asked sweetly, kissing her head.

“Sucks,” Ashlyn confirmed, sighing.

“I'm going to put everything away, and then we're going to go and cuddle for a bit, okay?”

“That would be great!”

Ashlyn closed her eyes again and smiled. She really had the best wife.

  
  


 


	16. Off-balance

**Chapter 16: Off-balance.**

“Gosh you're so pretty it's surreal,” Ali complimented cupping and kissing her face while they cuddled in bed, smiling those big smiles that made Ashlyn's brain stop thinking —not that it was thinking much lately—. It was a week post concussion now, and Ali had come from the gym to spend an hour cuddling with Ashlyn on their bed.

“You're just a little blind,” Ashlyn half smiled, happy with the kissing.

“Both of us,” Ali crinkled her nose, nibbling her ear softly. While Ashlyn's near sight was a little blurry and far-sighed it was very blurry, Ali couldn't see crap in far distances, so they both used contacts and, occasionally, glasses. Ashlyn had used glasses on her wedding day because they looked nice and sexy, according to her bride, and because her hazel eyes weren't happy with contacts. Ali, on the other side, used contacts all the time. And now that Ashlyn had a concussion she had no option but to use glasses.

“You're purdy even blurry. Purdiest girl.”

“Aw, you lil precious sunshine,” Ali laughed, making her smile. Her laughter always made her feel like a superhero.

They lied cuddled in silence for a while, Ashlyn keeping her eyes closed and Ali counting her million freckles across the nose bridge, cheeks and shoulders, caused by too much beach time.

“We need to do something with Christopher's things,” the goalkeeper murmured after a while.

“We did. They're stocked nicely.”

“You know what I mean,” Ashlyn nudged her gently. “They occupy a whole room in the house. What are we going to do with them?”

“Eventually, throw away what we don't want, wash and organize the clothes we keep, donate his shoes and the rest of his clothes to charity and organize his books and music to keep what we want and donate what we don't. I'm in no hurry. I read an article that said it was best to give it a full year before throwing anything, give yourself time to heal a little.”

“So we'll just keep his stuff there for a year?”

“At least. Look, you're concussed, and we have the Olympics coming up, you need to be 100% for them. I say we care about that room later.”

“Okay,” Ashlyn conceded. “Not sure I want to keep his clothes, though.”

“Trust me, you'll want to keep as many of them as you can wear without looking like you're swimming in them. You loved his clothes, you two went shopping together as often as you could, and some shirts fit you well. That way, you'll get a comforting piece of him when you need it. And his music, his vinyl discs, his skateboard and surfboard... You can give yours to our firstborn and use his.”

“You've really given in a thought.”

Ali sighed, staring at the ceiling with Ashlyn's face against her shoulder.

“I just don't want to throw his whole life away. I want him to be present in our lives, in our children... and perhaps if we can keep parts of him, he won't be that much gone.”

The goalkeeper opened her eyes again and observed her wife intently. Her expression was serious and thoughtful, and her eyes were a little glassy.

“Thank you Alex. I never realized you were so close.”

“Of course,” Ali's lips curved to form a small smile as she looked at her. “I loved him so much, he was just such a great man... and I loved how close you two were, how well he cared for you. Every time I left for Germany or something, I felt better knowing he was here with you. I miss his silly videos and... everything.”

“Me too,” Ashlyn admitted. “Still feels like I got a whole through my chest. Like a part of me is missing.”

Ali winced a little, caressing her face softly with her fingertips.

“I'd die if something happened to Kyle,” she admitted. “I'm so sorry Ash.” Ashlyn shrugged.

“Don't be,” Ashlyn groaned, sitting up. “At least his pain is over. God, I don't think I'm going to make it to the international friendlies at the end of the month.” She said pinching her sinuses as her body felt unstable and everything spun.

“Give it time,” Ali encouraged, always optimistic. “Just rest, and you'll see. It worked for me, twice.”

Suddenly Ashlyn stood up and ran for the bathroom, colliding with the bed and walls in the process, and stumbling her way through. Ali jumped off the bead and heard her throw up into the toilet.

“Tell the toilet to stop moving so I can vomit inside...” Ashlyn groaned closing her eyes and supporting her forehead on her arm after throwing up for a few seconds. Ali sighed and rubbed her back.

“Is the Ibuprofen upsetting your stomach?”

“No,” Ashlyn answered. “The room moving constantly, I'm so dizzy. I'm completely off balance Al...”

“Okay, let's get you back to bed,” Ali helped her up to her feet, putting a tattooed arm over her shoulders and pulling her towards the bed, tucking her in there. “I'm going to tell April you're not coming in February, okay? Let's give you some more time.”

“Please do,” Ashlyn agreed, groaning into the pillow. The idea of goalkeeping sounded like pure torture right now.

While Ashlyn slept, Ali phoned April, pacing around their garden to avoid bothering Ashlyn inside, while Logan played in the swimming pool.

“Hey April, listen... It's not going to be possible for Ash to join the USWNT in a few weeks. She's struggling a big load with the concussion... well she's got headaches all the time, she's unstable, she's dizzy, she's just thrown up... I mean if I go, I'm calling her parents over or something, she can't be alone,” Ali told their coach. “Yes she's agreed, she's resting now, but she couldn't call you. Direct sound in the ear is not very pleasing yet...”

The younger woman meanwhile rested in bed. She hated feeling so off and weak, but she knew rushing herself wasn't going to help if she wanted to be ready for the Olympics. She had to rest now, recover fast, and then train her ass off to recover all the lost time. It was the only way she was going to make it to the Olympics. She had to come back 100%, nothing less.

Christopher's birthday was the next day. Ashlyn woke up while Ali and Logan were still deep asleep, and helping herself by supporting on the walls, she stumbled her way to one of their four bedrooms, where they had currently stored all of Christopher's belongings, forming corridors of boxes piled-up one on top of another. Ashlyn sighed deeply, craving her brother's comfort. He always gave the best hugs, being such an enormous man, and she needed one right now. She was starting to worry about getting sidelined for the Olympics, about suffering permanent brain damage, about post-concussion syndrome, and the worries made her more and more anxious, and the fact that she felt so weak, under the weather, and constantly as if she was the drunkest she had ever been, didn't help her fight the anxiety.

A box on top of the bed was labelled 'Jackets and Sweatshirts'. Ashlyn opened it and pulled out a huge dark blue hoodie with a big black owl. She brought it to her nose and her eyes swelled with tears as she smelled Chris on it still, and then she put it on, hugging herself and sitting on the carpeted floor with her back supported on the boxes.

“Why the fuck you had to go, Chris,” she murmured angrily, closing her eyes and letting out a long sigh. She practically swam in the hoodie, but she didn't care. It was warm, comfortable, soft and comforting, and she wasn't going to remove it. Tears slid down her cheeks quietly, and as she tried to take a nap, she hoped more than ever, to dream of him.

  
  


 


	17. Wife to the rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I've had you all abandoned, but I hope these new chapters compensate.
> 
> Truth is, it's been a few hectic few months. After my cat's tragic passing on July, I wasn't doing well at all, but I had to get myself together because I was finishing University and it was required for me to deliver a last, super important paper, in order to get my degree. I was also preparing to get my driver's license. Finally on August and September all of that was completed, but then I was still busy because surprise! I'm moving to England!
> 
> The move is in a couple weeks, so now I'm in my hectic flat packing, organising, painting so everything is pretty when I leave, cleaning, doing paperwork necessary to live in England, dealing with Brexit and you know, typical shit of being in your early twenties (my birthday is actually on Friday, lol) and having to start all over somewhere new.
> 
> Because I can only imagine life is going to be very hectic for quite the few months, I'm going to leave some chapters here for now to compensate my long absence and then I will find time to post new chapters only in the stories that are most liked, supported and commented, in short, the ones I can know for sure are being read, enjoyed, and people will want new chapters most, because like I said, I will not have much free time so the little I have I must choose wisely where to invest it. All my fics are completed, I'm not writing anything at the moment, and I'm happy with just having written them, I have no actual need to publish them here, but if you want them, I'll give them to you.
> 
> Thank you so much for the love, the understatement and the support. Much love!

**Chapter 17: Wife to the rescue.**

“Call me ten times a day,” Ali pleaded, hugging her and kissing her as she stood with her suitcases and bags in their hall. “Day or night, I don't care, I'll be missing you and thinking of you.”

“Alex, calm down, it's just a week-long camp, I'll be fine,” Ashlyn chuckled, kissing and hugging her back. “I'll miss you too, but you go, kick some ass, and if you score, let them know for who is it.”

The brunette snorted a laugh, shaking her head and kissing her one last time. It was just a week post Valentine's, which for them had consisted on quiet dates in bed while Ashlyn recovered, and Ali had to go to National Camp, as she had been called on the roster, being their biggest pride. Ashlyn's parents had insisted on coming, but since Ashlyn really needed peace and quiet more than anything, and she was still feeling quite off and with headaches, she begged everyone not to come, so she'd be alone and, because this made Ali uneasy, she'd have to phone her all the time and had to agree on having her friend Liz come over if she didn't give signals of being alive in four hours, when her wife would call everyone hysterical.

“Call me if you need anything,” Ali said for what was probably the fiftieth time. “And I love you so much.” She added, pressing her lips against her cheek.

“I love you too. Logan, say bye to Mama, bye! Have fun, say hi to the girls from us!”

When the door finally closed, Ashlyn breathed in relief. The entire house was silent and quiet, Logan could entertain herself with her toys, and she was off to getting more Ibuprofen in her system and sitting in the pool. The room no longer spun as much, barely quivered a little if she moved too fast, and the worst was the pain and how loud everything seemed to sound, hurting her eardrums. Because of this and because the Florida weather was getting warmer, her new favourite thing was to lie on the deck chair inside the pool, so she was fresh and comfy.

Although the loneliness was at first more than welcome, for it offered a level of silence that was very nice when suffering a concussion, soon, it became overwhelming. Truth was she wasn't used to being alone in the big house, save for Logan who, admittedly, comforted her some. Usually it had been Ali who stayed behind and she went to camp, and on the rare occasions she was left alone, it was just for hours. When the third day came, and unable to go out because of her head, she started feeling like the loneliest human on Earth.

“At least the girls are having fun,” she murmured to herself, her brother's owl hoodie on as she sat on the bed of the room that hosted his belongings, going through her phone. Lately she liked to sit there and pretend her brother was there. Talk to him a little, feel less alone. “They're so sweet, sending me messages all the time. Ugh, how I wish I was there.” Her phone alarm rang and she knew it was time to call Ali. “See you in a bit Chris, your in-law needs the hourly report!”

On the sixth day, she was thoroughly fed-up with being alone, while at the same time not inclined to call anyone over because her headaches were still bad enough for her to have decided that, if she bought a box of Ibuprofen that had 600mg instead of 200, everybody wins. So she was taking one every five hours, and it still wasn't enough. It hurt all the time, non-stop, only changing intensity, and she started skipping the last dose of the day so she could use some whisky to fall asleep quicker and in less pain. This had been going on for a few days, and when the sixth came and she found herself so pissed off with loneliness, missing her brother like crazy, angry for not being with her teammates, and in quite the depressive state —that she masked well on phone-calls, but that had her listening to sad songs the entire day in the lowest volume— she knew she was screwed.

“Alex will be here tomorrow night,” Ashlyn murmured entering what she now thought of as her brother's room with a bottle of whisky in her hand. She had become a whisky lover in the last couple years, after reading a few books about it and learning, even hosting a tasting party once. “I just have to hold on until tomorrow,” she was slurring, and she lied-down on the bed there. “Was this how you were, Chris? When you pushed that syringe into your veins, were you this sad? This lonely? Well I'm not doing heroin. And you know what? I've got it worse than you. I don't have my best friend anymore. I may even lose my job, you know? I'll lose it if I don't recover. No more soccer, no Olympics, nothing. And yet no syringe. You, however... bloody hell Chris, couldn't just call me?”

Ashlyn started crying and cursing at once, overwhelmed and drunk.

“How could you leave me, Christopher? I need you!”

A few hours later she stumbled into the kitchen for one last dose of Ibuprofen before bed, as it had passed hours since her last glass of whisky.

“See Chris?” she raised the pill in the air before taking it. “You take this with bloody responsibility! If this box says no more than 3200 mg, you don't take more. Doesn't say 'go and take some heroin', you fucking stupid stud.” She slurred, slightly tipsy still. “And you wait a few hours after whiskey because otherwise... otherwise...” she forgot her train of thought. “Whatever. What I meantersay is you suck and I don't,” she rubbed her glassy, reddened, eyes. “Oh,” she realized suddenly, “I know what helps with this shit... Weed! Wait, do we have weed?” she scratched her hair, frowning. She could barely think. “Alex went shopping... Is there bacon?”

Suddenly the idea of a bacon party seemed nice. She was starved, and couldn't remember the last she'd eaten. That was her still-recovering brain, still not functioning properly, forgetting things, miscalculating, her attention drifting from one thing to another really fast, her lack of concentration.

So even thought it was one in the morning, she started frying some bacon and sat on the sofa to eat it and watch football on silence, even though it wasn't as interesting. Eventually, with the stomach full, she got some perspective and realized she needed to get some fresh air, give Logan a walk and she'd feel better. Logan was unenthusiastic about 1.30AM walks though, so she left the dog sleeping, too tired to try and coax her out of her bed when she had spent the day running in the garden, and went out by herself. The night breeze instantly felt like a blessing, sobering her up and making her head feel better. At this hour, there was no one outside and it was easy to walk around without feeling overwhelmed by noise.

Accompanied by the fresh, peaceful night, Ashlyn allowed herself to reflect on her behaviour and how she was feeling. She was hollow inside, sad and empty, and she was missing her brother a lot. She was being very pessimistic about her recovery, even though she was doing better, and was, more than anything, getting very anxious and uneasy, which she hated. It was anxiety that made her heartbeat go faster and made her feel overwhelmed and out of breath. Deciding it was time to call her wife, she pressed her phone against her ear. Ali was in Tenessee, which meant it was only an hour earlier, so still very late, yet she picked-up right away, as Ashlyn made her way down the long Wymore Road.

“Ash, everything okay?” she heard Ali whisper sleepy.

“I'm sorry I woke you up,” Ashlyn said gently. Her voice sounded steady now, put together and relaxed, much different than how she felt, “I'm just feeling very sad, Alex. And you know, I was scaring myself a little and decided maybe it was the time to call the wife.” She said in a semi-joking tone.

“Hold on a minute, I don't want to wake Kelley,” Ashlyn heard the hustle of Ali getting out of bed, grabbing her slippers and housecoat, and walking for a bit, before she stopped. “Okay, now,” Ali was able to speak in her normal volume, “what happened?”

“Nothing,” Ashlyn assured her, her free hand in her pocket as she strolled down the boring road, in front of big houses and next to a narrow road that barely had any traffic at this hour. “I've done nothing bad. I'm just... overwhelmed. I'm not even slightly tired, at least not physically, and I hate being alone so long, and at the same time it's not like I can call anyone because I can't even watch the news at normal volume without my eardrums hurting, and I miss the girls, I miss you, I miss Christopher, I miss soccer, I miss the beach, the gym, my friends... just everything. And I can't do anything about them because I can't resuscitate people, and all the things I miss could potentially give me the headache of my life, save from you, and I'm sick of headaches, honestly. I don't even have periods without pain anymore just... less pain. And then I'm getting super overwhelmed thinking that at this rhythm, I'm going to miss the Olympics again, and it was my last chance, and it just seems like I can't win anything, you know? Like it's all one loss after the other, and I really need to win the Olympic experience, but I mean, I'm not fit right now, and when I am, Adrianna and Alyssa will already be ten steps forward. So... I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with sucking, having to tell Marc to find a new goalkeeper for the pride, and just quitting football and settling with a life of chronic headaches because if this is post-concussion syndrome then it may never go away Alex, can you imagine how are we going to raise our children in a silent house? I better just shoot my eardrums! It's just—,”

“Ash,” Ali stopped her gently, “my love, you're rambling so fast I can barely catch-up. Breathe.”

“I'm sorry, I'm a bloody disaster...”

“You're not, stop apologizing,” Ali said softly. “Ashlyn, you're a capable, grown-up adult. You're a beautiful, smart, super skilled, talented woman, hard-working, kind, compassionate, loving, funny... you've got everything you could possibly need to make it successfully in this life, you just have to remind yourself every now and then that you're tough, you're resilient, you bounce back from whatever's needed, and you always keep moving forward. Sometimes it's harder, yes, but still. But you know what you also are? Incredibly impatient and anxious by nature, which only drives you to more impatience. Babe, you need to put things into perspective, okay? An adult athlete, who kicks balls for a living and who has a considerable leg strength because of it, kicked your head so hard you passed-out and needed surgery. You can't possibly expect to be flying colours after that in one month or maybe even in two, but it doesn't mean you won't get better, you hear me? Every doctor, every person we've consulted, even the trainers here said you would make a full recovery. There was no skull fracture, your brain is not swollen anymore, and to be honest I think you don't get headaches because of the concussion, but because how much you're getting worked-up, stressing yourself and getting anxious. You barely even get dizzy anymore, you're fine. You could go back to training in a week, I'm sure,” Ashlyn could hear the smile in her voice. “You will be back in time for the Olympics, I've got absolutely no doubt.”

“Really?”

“Really,” the defender insisted. “What you have to realize, and what you haven't told the doctors is, you lost your brother a month ago, someone who's been there literally your entire life, stuck to your hip, and that cannot be easy to recover from. That takes more than a year or two, than a couple good cries and a glass of whisky. That's a life-changing event, and you need to be caring and patient with yourself and give yourself time, because right now, between that, the soccer pressure, and the concussion, you have the perfect storm for the headaches of your life, so maybe that's why you're having them. You're way more stressed than you realize, and just because you're lying in bed all day, it doesn't mean you're stressed, you just get riled-up with anxiety, and because you don't have sports to discharge, you take it all inside and make yourself sick.”

“That does make sense,” Ashlyn reflected, calmly strolling, happy to hear her wife. “I should've told at least one of the doctors the whole story, not just the concussion. I already had small headaches in Satellite.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah. Even forgot to mention them, being so busy. Still had to do a bunch of paperwork to organize the selling of Christopher's house. It's like I have this huge mountain of things to do, train, prepare for the Olympics, take care of my family, the paperwork of Christopher's stuffs, the meetings and all the hard work of the foundation, and it all was put a stop to with the concussion, so the mountain keeps growing and I'm not doing anything, and it fills me with anxiety.”

“Exactly,” Ali agreed. “And you don't have to miss me much longer, and even more, how are you doing with big noises?”

“Bother me, but I think it may just be the headaches, so it's just the anxiety. You're right, the scans came-up perfect, my brain looks good, the doctor's happy, it cannot be the concussion.”

“Then what do you think if I bring Rapinoe, Tobs and Kelley over? They were offering to come, since it's the off-season and they miss you, and we do have one bedroom full, but I could move everything into the office and leave the room free, so there would be space. We were thinking of partying a little to celebrate the end of the off-season, but I said I had to consult you, since you didn't feel well. I think maybe it'll do you some well to have the house full of friends for a few days. And since Alex, Crystal and Sydney live in our area, we could all have fun. Just a week or so, Florida holidays.”

“Sounds pretty great,” Ashlyn agreed, missing them deeply. “Tell you what, bring them. Tomorrow morning I'll go to the doc, tell him everything and see if he gives me something good for the anxiety so I can relax and feel better, get some work going, and hopefully by the time you come I'm groggy and relaxed as fuck.” She joked with a half smile.

“Yay! Eek!” Ashlyn giggled, shaking her head at her wife's nonsense. “And they're fine with leaving at any point if you're unwell. Make yourself an herbal infusion of those that are to sleep, we've got them in the kitchen, and get a good night of sleep. You'll see how you feel better tomorrow. And no more pills, okay? They could make you feel worse with the amount you're taking, and you're going to screw-up your liver and stomach. Tomorrow morning, healthy breakfast, tons of fruit, and get some laps in the pool.”

“Believe me, if the doctor tomorrow says I'm good to do exercise, you'll catch me running around the house.”

“You, running? Willingly? I'll have to see that to believe that!” she teased with a giggle. Ashlyn sniggered, feeling more relaxed right away. “You've got this Harris. One thing at a time, okay? Don't let yourself get overwhelmed, break things in pieces like soccer broke our knees.”

“Damn right,” Ashlyn grinned, it was a if she had been relieved of an enormous pressure. “I love you so much Alex, like you wouldn't believe. I feel so much better now, like a whole other person.”

“I'm so happy to hear! And I love you too, so, so much. Can't wait to kiss you big time.”

“We can't have sex with the house full.”

“But we can fully make-out, which my Mum says it's enough when you get to a certain age...” Ali joked, and Ashlyn laughed at the same time she was horrified.

“Jesus Christ, I lost my appetite forever. Go to sleep princess, I don't want you to be a zombie tomorrow because of me. Are you being the best defender?”

“Always. Kicked some balls good today.”

“That's my girl, we'll rewatch all the games together the minute I can stand the sound. Goodnight love.”

“Sleep tight and call me if you need another pep talk! Kisses!”

“Kiss kiss!”

Ashlyn hung-up and smiled to herself. She was a damn lucky brat.

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I've had you all abandoned, but I hope these new chapters compensate.
> 
> Truth is, it's been a few hectic few months. After my cat's tragic passing on July, I wasn't doing well at all, but I had to get myself together because I was finishing University and it was required for me to deliver a last, super important paper, in order to get my degree. I was also preparing to get my driver's license. Finally on August and September all of that was completed, but then I was still busy because surprise! I'm moving to England!
> 
> The move is in a couple weeks, so now I'm in my hectic flat packing, organising, painting so everything is pretty when I leave, cleaning, doing paperwork necessary to live in England, dealing with Brexit and you know, typical shit of being in your early twenties (my birthday is actually on Friday, lol) and having to start all over somewhere new.
> 
> Because I can only imagine life is going to be very hectic for quite the few months, I'm going to leave some chapters here for now to compensate my long absence and then I will find time to post new chapters only in the stories that are most liked, supported and commented, in short, the ones I can know for sure are being read, enjoyed, and people will want new chapters most, because like I said, I will not have much free time so the little I have I must choose wisely where to invest it. All my fics are completed, I'm not writing anything at the moment, and I'm happy with just having written them, I have no actual need to publish them here, but if you want them, I'll give them to you.
> 
> Thank you so much for the love, the understatement and the support. Much love!


	18. Pause and rethink the strategy.

**Chapter 18: Pause and rethink the strategy.**

Early morning, Ashlyn rose like a flower. She felt renovated and even though still a little weak and a little dizzy, the double relaxing herbal tea she had taken that night had really done its job, and she felt calmer, her thoughts clearer and the headache barely there. She took another one with her breakfast, deciding caffeine would only screw her up further, walked Logan, and then went to see her neurologist, to which she had access through Orlando Health, that sponsored the Pride. Because of that, it was easy to have an early morning appointment on the same day.

Doctor Lopez was just a few years older than Ashlyn, gentle, cautious, and a godsend. She had taken care of every concussion both Ali or herself had sustained in the Pride with expert care and knowledge, and although she knew of Christopher's passing, she didn't know how much that really affected Ashlyn, or that she fought depression and anxiety in a daily basis. Not really her fault, she just had tons of patients and Ashlyn never said anything. Depression was in her medical records, but since Ashlyn never said anything about it, she probably thought it wasn't a big deal anymore.

“So are you still having intense headaches, uh?” Dr Lopez asked, nailing her bright blue eyes on her hazel ones as she sat barefoot on her consult bed and the doctor made her follow the lantern with her eyes. “You're focusing much better, and you walked in here completely stable, is the headache the only symptom left?”

“I'm still a bit dizzy and forgetful, but only a bit, and to be honest, I may just be a little too stressed,” Ashlyn said. “That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. With my brother's death, I'm in charge of a lot of paperwork with the council hall, the sales agency... we're trying to sell his house and I've been so stressed-out first organizing the funeral with my Dad, and now trying to sell that from Orlando. I'm also very stressed and anxious about my parents, worried they're depressed, even more my Mum, and that it'll drive them back into alcohol and drugs, because they were addicts. That without mentioning I've been trying to create a foundation to fight drug abuse so more people like my brother can get help and not die like he did, which is a huge load of work, even more since I know very little of business, finances, or organizations, and it's being stressful. So I started having light headaches and sleeping pretty bad, always tense, always anxious, always stressed... I felt better when I went to camp with the National Team in December, because I knew I just had to focus on soccer, you know?”

“One task at a time.”

“Exactly. And sports really... they've always helped me stop thinking of other things, relax, have fun, vent, discharge and let go of things, so it was very therapeutic, and also being with my friends. So I was doing very well, felt 100%. But with the concussion I couldn't do anything anymore, not even drive or jog, and being in bed for days only gave me more time to be sad, be anxious, get stressed, get even more stressed thinking of the growing to-do list that couldn't complete until I was healthy, I couldn't see my friends, I couldn't watch TV because of the noise, play something, get distracted... so I've been feeling really depressive, really low, really overwhelmed, anxious, super stressed... and then add the concussion symptoms and I think it has been a big bomb, and I think it may be the combination of everything what's making the headaches so bad,” Ashlyn explained. She was grateful the doctor didn't try to interrupt to force a diagnose without listening to her patient completely. “And I need you to help me, because I can't keep living like this.”

“I see,” the brunette, long-haired doctor looked sympathetically at her and a bit thoughtful. “Are you taking antidepressants or antianxiety medication?”

“No. I used to go to therapy one a week, and that was enough. The antidepressants made me zombie and useless, so I couldn't take them, and I do have antianxiety medication I used to take whenever I felt really overwhelmed. I've had quite great few years, so I stopped going to therapy and I only go to the team's sports psychologist, that always makes me feel great. And my GP knows everything and tells me which antianxieties to take and how, but I didn't take them this time. I already had enough meds and I spent years of my teens addicted to Adderall, so I'm very cautious with medication. I don't like to take too much, and they upset my stomach.”

“You were addicted to Adderall?” the doctor sat at her desk, consulting her files. “It's not here.”

“I know. I'd rather it's not since... you know, I'm sort of famous. I'd rather tell my doctors myself.”

“Okay, well that's an uncommon addiction, not of the category of heroin or meth.”

“Yeah. I no longer feel the urgency to take it, it's just... I want to be careful. My parents both abused alcohol, so did my brother, and then my brother was addicted to heroin and my cousin as well. It sort of rolls in the family, which is why I can get a little too obsessive with making sure I don't take anything potentially addictive, and I drink very little. Like, I don't do Valium.”

“What do you take?”

“Uhm... Buspar. It's good, take one and helps. And only once every... can be weeks. Just when I really, really, am about to have a panic attack or something. My wife keeps control of it to make sure I can't access it in any other time, just in case.”

“Cautious, good,” the doctor smiled at her and gestured for her to come over.

Ashlyn walked over to the seat across her desk and sat down, starting to put her shoes back on.

“Okay, let's go with just Buspar, okay? Take one with lunch and one with dinner, and don't take any painkillers or anything, if you still have pain, let me know and we'll see. I think it is very likely that this is just tension and stress, like you said, getting overwhelmed, and once we tackle that you'll feel much better.”

“Okay, thank you.” Ashlyn breathed in relief.

“Take minimum dose, and although it's not supposed to cause addiction, I'd feel better if your wife can monitor and make sure it's out of your reach except when I said so.”

“Sure, she doesn't mind keeping an eye out.”

“And always take it with food, like, in the middle of lunch, middle of dinner, those things, to make sure it doesn't fall on an empty stomach. I'll also notify the Pride okay? Because it can affect the results of urine tests and that sort of thing, in case you guys do those for anti-doping, so better give them a heads-up. I'll book you an appointment next week so we can see how it goes.”

When Ashlyn left the consult and walked back to get an Uber home, she felt like the world was a much better place. Her doctor had reassured her she'd be fine, she felt better, she didn't have to take painkillers anymore, and one med twice a day was close to nothing for her. Besides, the prospective of having a fun week with friends ahead made her feel full of happiness.

Since the flight would land around five, she decided to have lunch out, something good and healthy, and then, since the doctor was fine with her going back to a degree of minor exercise, she did some laps in the pool, some push-ups, sit-ups, squats and walking lounges walking around the garden in her bathing clothes, and then had a hot shower, made sure the house was clean and organized, did an hour of meditation, and went on to cook mac n'cheese. While it cooked in the oven, she sat on the dining table, feeling great and energized, with a relax herbal tea and all the paperwork of the foundation. She started studying the notes her friends, like Jamie, had sent her, making notes, investigating in her laptop, sending out emails, and every now and then got up to check on the food.

She was just closing the oven after a last check when the door opened and Logan ran for her mother.

“Hello!” Ali sang, and immediately all the feminine voices were heard showering Logan in compliments, attention and petting.

“Well hello, sorry to interrupt,” Ashlyn joked walking to them. She was wearing one of her brother's pale blue shirts with the sleeves rolled-up, shorts, and slippers. Her hair was loose and rebellious, and her temple injury was nothing more than a pink scar. Kelley, Ali, Tobin and Rapinoe were all squatting around the dog, kissing her and accepting her passionate licking.

“Ash, hey!” Kelley grinned, jumping to her arms, and Ashlyn was happy to see in her current almost groggy state of complete zen and relaxation, the noise didn't bother her. She squealed when Ashlyn grinned and lifted her off the floor a little bit. “I see someone's feeling better!”

“Ugh, you've got no idea. Come here Tobs!” she enthusiastically hugged each of her friends, and then got to Ali and grinned. “Hello Mrs Krieger-Harris.”

“Oh hello ma'am,” Ali grinned, crinkling her nose, happy to see her happy, and kissed her, burying her fingers on her hair. They made-out for a few seconds, and followed the others inside the house. “Look how clean is everything! Do I smell mac n'cheese?”

“You do, give me just one minute to clean the table and I'll get it out of the oven, I already turned it off. Wash your hands ladies!” While the girls ran to the bathroom, Ashlyn put her papers in folders and moved them to the office, to where she had already moved Christopher's boxes.

The girls came back minutes later, already in pyjamas, while Ashlyn set the table for five and filled glasses of beer or water, according to everybody's tastes.

“I am amazed, everything smells good, looks clean, and you've already put Chris' stuff in the office,” Ali said surprised as they sat back down. “I guess the doctor gave you great news this morning?”

“She did something better, tell me to stop taking shit and just go back to Buspar twice a day, with the meals,” Ashlyn explained filling their plates from the platter in the middle of the table. “And it works. I feel fucking fantastic, only a bit worn-out and dizzy, but she said that's all concussion, what wasn't normal was to still be in pain. She even allowed me to go back to a bit of sports, nothing of collisions, but swimming and jogging it's fine, so I did some sit-ups and everything.”

“Are you sure she didn't give you a personality change?” Tobin joked, already filling her mouth with mac n'cheese. “Because you doing exercise willingly at home...!” They laughed at the comment, and all started eating.

“I was dying for it, being honest.”

“What's Buspar anyway? Never heard of it,” asked Kelley as she munched.

“It's an anxiolytic, because I'm a ball of anxiety and I was making myself sick, it's why I felt so unwell. I already took it before, whenever I was really overwhelmed with something, but I hadn't taken it since... the World Cup, I think.”

“Well, I'm glad you're feeling so well, finally,” Ali smiled, moving a lock of hair behind Ashlyn's ear to kiss her cheek.

“Me too.”

“I thought you'd be taking antidepressants,” Rapinoe commented before giving a long sip to her beer.

“No, most of them don't go well with Buspar, and I can take care of not being too depressed as long as I can work and keep my thoughts clear. Yesterday I couldn't even think, I was losing train of thought every ten seconds... Now I'm pretty focused, cooked and all, uh? So tell me, how was camp? I want to hear everything!”

For forty minutes, soccer monopolized the table. They told her about the games they had won, although they had lost one and tied in another, and told her what she had missed. They had a few good laughs and Ali brought the wine and dessert. Ashlyn listened to them intently, and was thrilled and excited to hear everything and laugh with them. It was always great to have the house full, and Logan seemed to like it as well, coming and going with toys to get some play time.

Then Jamie Tworkowski called her, so Ashlyn moved into her bedroom for a couple minutes to attend the call.

“Who was it? It's a bit late,” Ali commented, curious, as Ashlyn rejoined them at the table.

“Oh, Jamie, I asked him to call me whenever he could. About the foundation, he knows so much thanks to To Write Love On Her Arms, and is very helpful.”

“What foundation?” asked Tobin, curious. Ashlyn and Ali exchanged a glance and the latter smiled with a nod, encouraging her to share it with her friends.

“The Christopher Harris Foundation,” Ashlyn smiled proudly. “It's a non-profit organization that, when it's finally launched, will invest on, create and impulse projects that aim to help the less-favoured families of our societies by helping them access education and good employs and opportunities, helping recovered addicts start over teaching them and supporting them, giving them advice and moral support, helping addicts stop using, and fighting drug addiction across Florida mainly, but perhaps one day it can expand, I'm just not millionaire.”

Her friends looked interested and amazed right away. Ali looked filled with pride.

“You came up with this?” Rapinoe asked, very surprised.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “Because I thought, To Write Love On Her Arms it's great, and it works, but it's not always enough. Sometimes it's not enough telling someone that the world needs them. Chris loved TWLOHA, collaborated, bought and read the books, knew he was loved and needed, but it wasn't enough. And the more I thought why, the more I realized it was a simple answer. TWLOHA couldn't help the fact that he had a poor childhood in a poor family with no resources, with parents who worked so many hours out of necessity that he was often unattended and in charge of his little sister too much, causing stress and tensions that pushed him into drugs, and then once he fell, he didn't have resources to get help. Society abandoned him and many other families to their luck. Why didn't I have the same future? Because I got out. I had a ticket out, I got a scholarship, I got soccer. He didn't. So I figured, if there was a non-profit who didn't forget those kids in Satellite, someone to look over, help the parents with no superior education get better jobs, offer babysitting services and family support, someone who pushed them forward to get an education and who impulsed local programs that really helped them before they searched for drugs, or that helped them rehab and reintegrate in society, then maybe, just maybe, these sorts of death wouldn't be so frequent.”

Her friends looked at her impressed and Ali grinned even prouder.

“That sounds really cool!” said Tobin.

“How are you going to pay that, thought?” Kelley asked. “It sounds like it's going to need a bunch of money.”

“Ash and I are investing a big part of our savings into it, and Ashlyn's part of her brother's testament,” Ali explained. “And the foundation is being planned as something that will not bring us economical benefits, but will self-sustain with whatever it makes through merchandising, donations, events, etc., so it can pay everyone who works in it except ourselves, pay its own services, and all else. And we don't aspire to recover the money we put into it.”

“Exactly,” Ashlyn nodded. “It's our baby! The initial investment, the money we put now and never recover, it's supposed to set the base of it, like put up the factory to explain it metaphorically, and from there on it'll work and make money for itself, to keep standing, and to all the services it will provide money for. In some way it'll work like a state. People give it money, in this case willingly, or it makes it through activities, and then a part stays in it to keep existing, a minimal part, and everything else goes to make good things happen and impulse new projects. So the idea is that it's as cheap to maintain as possible, therefore, Jamie was telling me we shouldn't have physical headquarters, as I had initially thought, nor permanent employees, just work through temporal hirings and volunteers. If I can get Umbro to sponsor it, that'd be some good money for projects and families.”

“And you're going to do that and soccer, and modelling, and all the extras? It's no weird you've got anxiety,” Rapinoe commented, impressed. “But I think it's a lovely idea. I'll make sure to put in a big cheque.”

“Thanks Pinoe,” Ashlyn grinned. “It is a ton of work, but it'll make what happened to Christopher a little meaningful. And you know what? I always hated not being able to give back to Satellite. Back then I was quite skinned, but now I have some, and I want to put it in there. First Satellite, then the whole East Coast of Florida, then whole Florida, and then we'll see. And the idea of partnering up with TWLOHA is very, very exciting!”

“I'm so proud of you. So, frigging, proud,” Ali gave her a peck on the bed. “Now, I think we'd all appreciate some rest, right ladies?”

There was a murmur of agreement and everyone headed to their bedrooms. Ashlyn was more than content to have Ali back in bed, and went Ali was about to spoon her, she refused and turned to be the big spoon instead, wrapping her arms around Ali and kissing the back of her neck as they both, slowly, fell asleep.

  
  



	19. The first act

**Chapter 19: The first act.**

It took until late March, when they were already getting prepared for the Orlando Pride pre-season training and friendlies, to really begin the activity of The Christopher Harris Foundation. Ashlyn wanted to begin focusing in Satellite Beach and the rest of Brevard County. She had gotten a main board formed by not just members of To Write Love On Her Arms such as Jamie Tworkowski, but also friends who cared about the project and knew how to make it a reality, and between them, her friend Liz Clabaugh's Uncle, Satellite Beach Mayor Frank Catino, who was enthusiastic about the project.

The first event that they organized had to be a powerful presentation, had to be in Satellite Beach, and had to be before the pre-season began, for which Ashlyn and her board team had to hurry-up to get everything ready just in time. It also needed to get a lot of attention, because otherwise people wouldn't participate and donate money and the foundation would fail. Because of that, it was important to get it in the Media, to get her teammates to come, to get the social networks to talk about it. The first event they had planned would be hold in the biggest auditorium they could find in Satellite Beach, and the entry cost fifty cents that would be donated entirely to the cause, although if you wanted you could put more money so someone else could come in free if they had no money.

“You have to be the face of it,” Jamie had told Ashlyn, always encouraging her and pushing her forward. “People want to hear your story, Christopher's story. They need to empathize with Christopher, to feel they don't want to end like him, and change.”

The first event wasn't meant as much for the actual people they would help, as it was mainly to get attention, introduce themselves to the world, and find people to put the money into it. They got Mayor Catino to lend them the space for the event for free, to collaborate and advertise them from the council hall, and to drag people to come. In the end, the auditorium was packed, and other thousands of people followed through online live streams. It was huge and all of Ashlyn's friends, family and teammates came.

“You're going to do just fine,” Ali reassured Ashlyn behind the stage before she was about to intervene, straightening her suit jacket and making sure her t-shirt wasn't full of dog hair. She was wearing a cool shirt from TWLOHA that said 'despite the condition of the soil, I will choose to bloom', and Jamie was just doing the opening speech, introducing why TWLOHA was partnering up with Ashlyn to bring this foundation to reality and how they'd work together from now on, talking good of her so the strangers in the room would look at her with kind eyes from the start.

“What if I screw it up?”

“You won't. This place is packed with people who love you. Most of them already know you and love you, our families, friends, teammates, coaches, your ex-teachers and ex-classmates...” Ali smiled caressing her cheeks with both her hands. “You've got this. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ashlyn pecked her lips. “Thank you.”

Ali ran to join the rest of their friends and family on the seats in the front row, and after a few moments, Jamie introduced her on-stage, giving her a reassuring hug.

“Kind audience, you'll be fine,” he whispered into her ear as they hugged. Ashlyn smiled and nodded, hugging him back and walking ahead.

The stage was a large platform with a stool, and Ashlyn had a microphone on her shirt. The lights illuminated the stage and the first few rows of audience, so Ashlyn could see her encouraging friends and family, and then on the wall on the back of the stage there was a screening of the foundation's logo.

“Hello everyone, good evening,” Ashlyn smiled nervously. “I'm... well, Ash. Most of you know me, I grew up here, and for those who don't, it doesn't matter, you came and we're friends now,” there were some giggles to her nervous comment. “Today, I want to speak to you as a friend, as family, as a neighbour, and yes, as the founder of The Christopher Harris Foundation. Many of you may be wondering who was Christopher Harris,” Ashlyn sat on the stool, with one foot on the stool bar. “He was my big brother.” And instead of the foundation's logo, a photograph of them together as toddlers was projected behind her against the white wall.

>> “Chris was just like you. He was born in Cocoa Beach, went to school here, grew up here, worked in the airport and died here. He was thirty-six and last month was his thirty-seventh birthday, but he never saw it. He died one night, alone, in his house here in Satellite, on January 2nd 2020\. And he was an addict,” Ashlyn bit her lip softly. “Can all the addicts or former addicts raise their hands please? Doesn't matter the addiction, alcohol, glue, whatever,” she raised hers and a few thousands did it as well. “Thank you. How many of you had it for the first time before the age of thirteen?” she and many others raised their hands. “And how many have been sober or clean for, say for example, fifteen years?” she didn't raise her hand, but a few others did. “What about ten years?” she and more people raised their hands. “Good job people! You're already in the right path. Can we get you an applause?” to her surprise, the room burst into applause.

“She's got a couple balls,” Kelley commented in a whisper as they applauded, smiling proudly. Ali grinned and nodded in agreement. Her brother, next to her, was already emotional.

“My brother Chris died after sixteen years clean, three years more than I've been. He was born into a poor family that frequently relied on food stamps to feed everyone and that had both parents working day and night, and he also took care of me, two years younger. Our whole family worked, grandparents, uncles, aunts... everyone worked a lot, so we were alone very often. And when we were alone, we'd go to skate parks, we'd go surfing, all the things that kids here do, right?”

“Sounds so hippie,” Kyle joked to Ali's ear. Ali's eyes fixed on Ashlyn. She was so brave and she felt like she was falling harder in love for her.

“As you probably know, those are the places were people who have big drug businesses go, because they know kids and teens are easier to get hooked. If they get hooked, they'll buy, even if they have to steal for that. They'll even work for them if they're desperate for the money, selling in places where it's easier to get caught by police so the big bosses don't have to risk it, then paying their bosses their own salaries back, so they can get drugs. See how it works? So in the end addicts earn absolutely nothing, and become more and more dependent on the drug mafias. It's very dangerous,” Ashlyn was explaining. “I've been studying maps and surveys like crazy and I've found out that Florida, actually this area of Florida, is one of the areas in the whole of the US where there are more deaths because of drug abuse, more so than deaths due to smoking. Incredible, isn't it?” some maps showing the results were put on the screen and there was a general murmur of surprise. “According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, over seventy thousand people died of drug overdose on 2017. Mostly because of narcotics, opioids, heroin or cocaine. In Florida, the top two counties with drug overdoses are Palm Beach and yes, Brevard, our beautiful county. Brevard has about a thousand deaths due to drug abuse annually. Only this county. Horrible. In 2018, people in this county were said to be 44 percent more likely to die from an overdose than the average American. Thank you Mayor for the info, by the way.”

“That's so fucked up,” Ali murmured.

“Agreed,” said Mike Harris with a nod, hearing her.

“But I don't want to fill your heads with numbers. Numbers, after all, are too abstract,” Ashlyn went on. “I'll tell you a real story. I'll tell you what I've lived, myself, on my own skin. My brother taught me to get far from those people who sold drugs. When we were little, he called them the crows. He always told me Ash, get the hell away from the crows. Don't talk to them, don't look at them, don't get close, and if they say something to you, pretend you don't speak English. We barely had money, so when we went to social canteens, we found they were full of crows, and full of people that were high. I was too little to understand, but my own parents had started abusing alcohol or weed to have a break from the stress life had become. The stress of not getting to the end of the month, of having two little children you can't feed, of working days and nights and barely sleeping, that kind of stress and anxiety and depression. Because when your mental health, as my friend Jamie reminds us, is shit, you've got all the cards in your favour for addiction. Today I'm happy to say my parents have been clean and sober for about twenty-three years, can we get my parents a big applause please?”

The room erupted into applause and cheering and Ali grinned at her parents in law as people from the seats behind them patted their backs and congratulated them. They blushed and thanked them. Ashlyn grinned big time winking at her parents.

“For me, poverty was absolutely normal,” Ashlyn continued. “So normal that if on TV there were kids starving in Africa I felt lucky, because at least we had shoes. So normal, to me it was like being almost rich. I always told my parents the celebs were very rich, we were almost rich and the kids in Africa were poor. That we weren't so bad. I knew that somehow, that cheered them up. I grew up accustomed to the smell of weed. We didn't have plants at home and my parents were firm on keeping us at bay from it, but you still got the whiff. I learned to hate it. For those who had never lived it, it can be very depressive to see someone high all the time, think of it as like visiting an elderly with Alzheimers. We'd go to my parents for anything and they sat so high they were unresponsive, like gone. For my brother and I, this was hard to deal with as children,” Ashlyn took a deep breath, standing up and walking around to give herself energy, never losing eye contact with the audience. “He got into depression first, my brother Chris. I followed. And when I first saw him approach the crows, he was eleven, our parents had divorced, and I thought that maybe now we were old enough for the crows. I spent as much time as possible with my brother doing sports, because they were the only times in which he wasn't drinking or smoking weed, but soon, I was alone while my brother got out, partied, and tried bigger drugs. And because I did everything he did, and I was sad, lonely, angry and fighting in school, and sports weren't enough, I tried weed as well. Half my family did it. My big cousins, my younger cousins, my friends, and everyone said weed was nothing, just like cigarettes. When my soccer coach of the time caught me, he gave me such a chat I never did it again. Beer was fine.”

Ali found herself pressing her nails on her arm from the tension of imagining how those years must have been like. Kyle saw her and took her hand so she could squeeze his.

“It's okay,” he whispered. She nodded.

“Thankfully, I was always doing soccer in my teens, so I didn't have much time to get drunk or go out with anyone who wasn't a healthy athlete, or think of my family or see them. My parents were slowly doing much better, getting better jobs, getting to the end of the month better, and meanwhile, my brother was going lower. While I spent countless hours a week training and playing soccer, Christopher spent his time belonging to the crows, selling drugs. When I was sixteen, I was stressed because my grades weren't that good and I wanted to go to University and get out,” Ashlyn said slowly. So far, she hadn't lost the auditorium's attention. “A so called friend at the time convinced me to try Adderall. They said it was safe because people with ADHD got given that by doctors all the time, and it would make me gain focus and concentration, and my performance both athletically and academically would improve. My brother had dropped out of school, and I didn't want to do the same, so I took Adderall daily.”

As much as it was hard to sit and listen, Ali focused on her wife, because she knew if she got everyone to feel as repugnant as she was feeling, they'd compromise with the cause. They'd want to stop that, as much as she wanted.

“At first, I was a ball of energy,” Ashlyn said, sitting down and taking a long sip from a small bottle of water by the stool. She felt sad just by talking about it. It was tough, but she was used to opening-up more about it since she met Jamie, so that made it easier. She just had to imagine she was alone in the room, or with Ali. “I had so much energy I spent the morning doing soccer, the afternoon surfing, the evening skating, the night studying. My grades improved, my performance improved, it was wonderful. It's not like the drug is doping, it wasn't, the reason my performance improved is because I could focus better without thinking the whole time of my brother getting high of heroin when I wasn't looking. I rarely distracted, and I invested more time in training. I was so promising at that point that I was surrounded by success. Nation's number one recruit by Soccer America, Gatorade Player of the Year, I was in Parade Magazine, Florida Player of the Year several times... if I had gone on like that, without getting high, I would've been bigger than Hope Solo, it was promising. Or so said my trainers, and they did like to flatter my ears a bit too much,” she joked with a half smile, to relax the environment, that she felt too charged. She saw some smiles and giggles, and it helped.

“Ego,” Alex Morgan joked shaking her head and smiling warmly.

“I was the pride of my family. So much that everyone decided to ignore all that I was also doing. Bullying, being bullied, hitting kids,” Ashlyn continued softly. “I got into fights pretty much daily, because I was high, depressed, angry. Perfect combo to get the most aggressive kid. And I was violent with myself as well, frustrated... punching goalposts and shit. It was the only way I knew to deal with my emotions. When I was eighteen, I was way thinner than at sixteen, aggressive and with a very screwed-up mental health, but hey, soccer star, so shut it, right? And I got a scholarship to NC! First Harris to go to Uni, not drunk all the time... So despite everything wrong with me, I was the pride of my family and no one chastised me for the rest nor suspected I was high five days a week at least. Then, one night in the summer, before I went to Uni, I was skating with friends and this girl comes running at me, saying my brother is dead,” the room held its breath. Ashlyn could see the memory clearly in her head. “You can imagine how much I flipped. I ran over to where she said he was, collapsed on the beach, I did CPR, called an ambulance, and he made it through. It was a heroin overdose, just months after he had convinced me to fight for my dreams and go to North Carolina. After that, he felt so sorry, and I was furious at him. I shouted, told him I wasn't going to NC, because if he was going to overdose when I wasn't looking, I'd never forgive myself.” At that point, she had to clear her throat. “He felt so guilty and so bad, he swore he wouldn't do it again. He was in a facility for the next six months and I went to North Carolina, but even though my family was completely fine by then, save for my brother, I was constantly stressed, depressed, angry, anxious. I had anxiety disorders and because I had been so fucked-up for so many years, my mental health was really unwell. I self-harmed, I had suicidal thoughts, and was always worried about Christopher, and high on Adderall. Has anyone here ever had Adderall?”

A few hands lifted in the air and Ashlyn smiled sadly.

“Then you know what I'm going to say,” said Ashlyn. “My body eventually gave out. I started getting injured, surgeries, I don't know how I didn't become addicted to painkillers or morphine, but that possibility has worried me since, actually, so I barely take them, and I barely took them then, which made the pain worse. I have pins in my thumb, two ACL, torn labrum... all in the span of 2006 and 2007. That summer I came home pretty sick of the whole thing, and my brother had gotten a good job and was doing pretty well. I decided to stop taking Adderall. I told my brother, he threw all of it that I had, and was there to make sure I wouldn't relapse during the whole summer. Thanks to the withdrawal, I started having nauseas and more depression, but I promised my brother to battle it. Didn't matter if I was with the National Team or in NC, that was my battle, and it's been thirteen years this summer.”

“Applause for Ash!” someone shouted in the public, and unexpectedly, everyone answered with applause and cheering. Ashlyn snorted a laugh and shook her head, rubbing one eye.

“Thank you,” she drank more water. “The good thing about this is that, even though the injuries made me fall behind a lot, in a way I'll never be able to catch up, losing plenty of appearances, playing time, professional opportunities, etc., I was still successful, sober and all. I could bounce-back. And I did. The other injuries were thankfully unrelated to drugs. So when my brother died, it came as a surprise. We had been happy for over a decade, we left that shit behind, he was one of the best men at my wedding just three weeks before he died. I thought why did I do drugs? Because of poverty. At the chore, it's poverty. It goes like this. If I wasn't poor, my family wouldn't have had to work so many hours, they would've been more attentive of their children, we wouldn't have had access nor been exposed to drugs, I would've had academic help at home, I wouldn't have needed drugs, and neither would my brother. But I realized that couldn't be why after so many years Christopher did heroin and died. He didn't have a girlfriend, he was described as happy always, then why? And after a lot of thought, I realized it was because you can't erase twenty years of your life. Because the first twenty years were full of drama and drugs, he knew little else. He never learnt coping mechanisms I learnt through therapy when I made enough money for it. He never knew how to deal with feelings. When he was shattered, he came to me, but last winter I went out on my honeymoon to Africa. And he wouldn't want to bother, even less with the time difference. Then he'd feel like a weight, he'd get more depressed, start struggling more with his mental health and by the time he knew I was just 60 miles or so away, he was too far gone to ask anybody for help. And depression is a bitch. We all smile, but at night, the demons come.”

Ali felt her eyes get damp and leaned back in her comfortable seat, thinking of Christopher.

“When his demons came, I was awake, in Orlando, perfectly available,” said Ashlyn. “I had my phone with me yet it didn't ring. And he took heroin, squashed it so it became dust, melted it, and injected it in vein. He died all alone and sad, and without wanting to. It was such an insignificant amount, no one would've ever thought it'd kill him, and he didn't know either. But it killed him, because he had been clean for so long his body wasn't prepared, but still wasn't fully okay after so many years of addiction,” Ashlyn let out a long sigh and rubbed one eye. “I would've killed for my brother. I would've done anything. There is no one in this land who I felt as close to me except him and my wife, and I honestly don't know how to do life without him, but I have no chance, because I'm here to live, not to follow him to death. I know he'd want me to live. He's one of these thousands,” she pointed to the maps of deaths on the screen. “He joins Marty, from freshmen year in middle school, and Linda, who was three months away from coming to NC with me. Their parents are here tonight.”

“Jesus...” Kyle closed his eyes and squeezed Ali's hand. She squeezed back and kissed his cheek.

“Those parents, my parents, and so many of you and I know that we cannot bring them back. The people we loved will remain dead,” Ashlyn said hoarsely, visibly sad and emotional. “That's where The Christopher Harris Foundation can help. This Foundation aims to act in those life-changing moments. There was one moment life made each of us turn to drugs. The moment was different and it meant different things to each of us, I'm sure, but we all have one thing in common. How we felt. I want you to raise your hands if you disagree, okay? Who wasn't sad when they started doing drugs? Lonely? Frustrated? Anxious? Nobody?” no one raised their hands. “I thought so. My friends, I'm not one of those rich people dying to get money. I won't get a penny from this foundation, I swear it. I didn't create it to make money. I created it because I had to do something for my brother, something to sleep calm at night, something to give back to this county that's given me everything, good and bad. If before Friday we can reach the amount of money you see on-screen now, we'll be able to pay for the rehabilitation treatment of ten thousand addicts and alcoholics in our county through the investment in all the drug addiction help programmes that our county has at the moment. If we get more, we'll start making donation to other programmes across Florida, you can see a full list in our website, as you can see,” she added standing next to the screen and showing them. “But what's more. Sixty percent of what we collect will be used to help the poorest and most conflicting areas of Brevard County, as I will personally work with Mayor Frank Catino, uncle of one of my all time best friends, to come-up with ideas and programmes to reduce poverty, improve the education of children, impulse sports programmes, and help adults get better, well-paid jobs through extra education and support, in these areas. And I swear to you, every little thing we do will be in the website so you can see exactly how your money is spent with details. I swear to you, it'll all come to this. Because every employee in the Christopher Harris Foundation is volunteer, we don't benefit economically from this, and we're a very small group of people actually, I take care of a big bunch of the work myself, the rest is done with the help of To Write Love On Her Arms and the council hall, all for free. My friends, we are going to improve the quality of life in Brevard County, and through doing this I trust that there'll be less reasons to fall into the arms of drugs. This way, there won't be any more kids and adults who feel attracted into drugs, because whether they're sad, they're poor, they're employless, or they can't spent time with their kids, we will help them, we will intervene, and I'm willing to take those kids to school and to soccer camps myself as long as they don't turn to drugs. For Christopher! For Marty! For Linda! And for you, and me and so many others, so there is not one more number in these lists! Who's with me?!”

Ali grinned, got up, and applauded. She was immediately joined by their family and friends, and soon, the whole auditorium stood up and applauded and cheered. Everyone smiled at each other, filled with hope, and Ashlyn grinned, and locked glassy eyes with Ali, who beamed bigger and nodded, as if saying 'Bloody good job, Harris'.

  
  



	20. The end of the cycle

**Chapter 20: The end of the cycle.**

While the donations were made either online or through To Write Love On Her Arms, Ashlyn's Uncle and Aunt invited their family and friends to celebrate the launching of the foundation at their house. Her family's house was blue and had a terrace in the back with a round wooden table and small stairs down to the garden, where there was a swimming pool and a jacuzzi. Next to that, on the garden, they had put a very long wooden table for when the whole family came over, so the Kriegers, the Habovicks, the Harris, their teammates and some childhood friends of Ashlyn and the others sat around the table eating lunch, with some being in the pool with the children. Ashlyn, craving some 'me time', had grabbed a black beer and stood on the terrace with elbows on the wooden railing, mesmerized with the river views, as the shore was right down below the terrace. She always found the views in that spot so relaxing. She wasn't looking to call for attention, she just had spent the morning surrounded by people and now wanted some peace, happy to hear the conversation and laughter around her, happy to know she could give two steps and chat with a friend, but content in her space.

“All good?” asked Jamie softly, with a glass of juice in one hand, putting the other on Ashlyn's lower back. Ashlyn smiled at her and nodded.

“I'm okay. Just... putting a pause, you know? It's been hectic, and when we return to Orlando I have a ton of media and stuff with the Pride.”

“That's good,” Jamie gave her a dimpled smile and a pat on the back and went to join the others at the table. Ashlyn sipped long from her beer, enjoying the strong taste.

The views in Satellite were always stunning, and she wondered if where Christopher was, he missed them like she missed him. She craved his bad jokes, his bear hugs, his laughter and his soft beard, and now it felt like a circle had closed. He had finally managed to kill himself, she never had to worry about him again, and with the foundation, she could let go. She could focus on soccer and doing things with the foundation. Somehow the idea made her feel as if she had lost her jacket and was out in the cold by herself, but she knew she had to live with the feeling. Now she was the only Harris. Now her life would be similar to a single child, and she'd have to get used to feeling that she was missing something.

“Is she okay?” Cassidy asked worried as she observed her older cousin from the table, frowning lightly. Ali looked up, nailing her brown eyes on the back of Ashlyn's short, wavy mane, and nodded.

“It's just been quite the busy few weeks, and she loves just sitting and enjoying the views on her own here, getting out of the crowd a little,” Ali said without giving it much importance. “Besides, with the NWSL, we won't be here in a while.”

“Who's going to be captain if we're all with the National Team?” Alex Morgan wondered, sitting next to Ali. She had been the first captain the Pride had had. Then, with her in France, Ashlyn had been the new one, and since it only made sense to have a leader who on top of that was from the area, so twice the honour, be the captain, she had remained captain. If she wasn't available for whatever reason, Ali had substituted. “Has to be someone who isn't in any National Team.”

“Assuming we all go to the Olympics,” said Ali, who took nothing for granted, sipping from her wine. “It'd be Marc's choice, but most likely Dani, it's what we've always proposed.”

“Me?” Dani looked surprised, but smiled, touched.

“You did great when we were all at the World Cup last year, and we won the NWSL, and you also did great all through the year every time we were gone with the nationals,” Ali reasoned with a smirk. “I'm sure Marc will consider you again.”

“We gotta figure out how to celebrate your birthday in Tokyo sis,” Kyle pointed out. “We should do something Japanese!”

“Is your birthday during the Olympics, Ali?” Aunt Debbie, not her mother, asked excitedly. “How much, if I may ask?”

“Thirty-six,” Ali replied with a happy expression. She never minded getting older.

“Oh so you'll be the same age Chris was!” Cousin Kyle realized. “You look twenty-eight.”

“Well thanks Kyle!” Ali giggled. “I do work for it. We'll have a calm birthday, I already looked into it and it's on the same day as our game against Brazil, so best present would be passing the group stage.”

“The US will win the Olympics,” said Mike Harris completely convinced. “I'm sure, I've already bought myself a good t-shirt to support, and we got the tickets the same day we knew when you guys played.”

“You already have the tickets?” Ali chuckled, happy to see her father-in-law was so supportive.

“Of course, what kind of father would I be not supporting my girls at the Olympics? Besides, never gone to Japan before.”

Ashlyn could only hear the football talk in pieces carried by the soft breeze. They were always talking about sports in this family, which was great, and made Ashlyn smile. Suddenly, her conversation with Ricky came to mind and she wondered if he had really left. She hadn't seen any of his friends, nor himself, but he might have hidden. She hadn't told anyone about what had happened, she knew police hadn't gotten him, because he was so bloody evasive, so she just hopped he was very far away. Ashlyn decided she had to tell the others. She wasn't one to keep secrets, and if no one knew where Ricky was, they had to be warned in case he came or send someone, looking for trouble. She wasn't excited about telling, but knew it was what she had to do, so the goalkeeper walked slowly to the table, with one hand in her pocket and a small smile.

“Guys, uh... I have something to tell you, you're not going to like it, but well...”

“What, you're retiring?” Corey asked, panicking.

“No, no,” Ashlyn shook her head. “Has anybody seen Ricky? Was in your class in high school,” she told Corey. “The druggie.”

“You mean the guy everybody buys from in this place,” Cassidy dead-panned. She had been an addict, and it had been thanks to him, so she made sure to stay at bay, and knew where he always was in order to avoid it. “I haven't seen him, but I heard he's not around anymore, because weed is a scarce lately.”

“I drove in front of his house yesterday,” said Brittany. “Now that you mention him, it called me attention because it looked abandoned. Why do you ask? If he's gone, better for everyone, especially for the kids.”

“Maybe the police scared him after all,” suggested Uncle James.

“They haven't managed to arrest him in twenty years even though the whole of Satellite knows what he does, it'd be weird,” Lauren, Kyle's wife, commented.

“Well, I found out that the was the one who sold Chris the same day he died,” Ashlyn announced, and everyone fell quiet, staring intently at her, so much that she couldn't hold their gaze. “He told me Christopher went to him craving heroin a lot, and that he reminded him that he was doing so well being sober, but Christopher said he wasn't going to take it. He just wanted 600mg, thinking that if he had it, knowing he had it would be enough for his cravings to calm down, but that he didn't need to consume it. So Ricky sold it to him, hours before he died.”

“That brat told you that?” Tammye asked with a dead-serious expression. “Have you told the police?”

“No,” Ashlyn admitted, “it wasn't going to change anything, Mum. Police have known what he was doing forever, but he sells to some of them and they protect him, and the ones who don't, can never get enough evidence to put him away.”

“Ash, that's so very wrong, you have to tell the police,” Mike said severe. “Let them take care of it.”

“I already took care of it, Dad, that's what I also wanted to tell you.”

“Ash,” Ali frowned, nailing her tiger eyes on her hazel ones, “what have you done?”

“I didn't kill him, if that's what worries you. I threatened him, months ago. I told him to leave. I made him think if he didn't leave I'll pay someone to kill him.”

Corey and his brother Kyle laughed, thinking it was quite badass, and the others were a mixture between concerned and surprised.

“You threatened with having him killed?” Corey looked smug. “Very badass Ash, I would've loved to see his face!”

“Wait a sec, isn't he like a low-key Mafia? Won't he send someone to take care of you?” Mike asked full of concern, not thinking it was as cool as his nephews thought.

“No. Ricky is... well, a failure. He's completely broke, because he is an addict himself,” Ashlyn explained. “And on top of that, he's never been known for being even argumentative, let alone violent. He never threatens or hurts anybody, he's a skinny little thing, he just... manipulates kids into doing the things that are more risky of having the police catch you, so they don't catch him. His Dad is in prison, has been for ages, so he just tries to sustain himself. It's true he could pay someone to go after me, but I honestly doubt it. We made a deal, and he knows it's better for him, because if he goes after me he's a dead man. I have money, I can hire a detective and find him, or hire people to beat-him-up...”

“You wouldn't,” Ali stopped her. “That's not what we do.”

“Fine,” Ashlyn shrugged. “Then you won't like to know I beat him up as well. Only so the message was clear!” she added defensively.

“Ashlyn!” Ali stood up, indignant, facing her, and her cousins did their best to contain the laughter. “You're a goalkeeper, not a thug! You could've gotten yourself killed, and then what?”

“I did it with full knowledge of who I was facing and how he wasn't a threat, Alex,” Ashlyn argued. “And besides, what am I supposed to do, make a foundation to care for addicts and them do nothing while I know there's someone coaxing little kids to work with him? He ruined Christopher's childhood! I only broke his nose, and you know what? It felt damn good and I would do it again.”

“And you hid it from me! When did this even happen?”

“Before the funeral,” Ashlyn admitted. “Okay fine I lied. I told you I was going in advance to take care of things and I did that, so technically isn't a lie, okay? I just happened to have time for more than just that.”

“Yeah? And you think your brother would be happy of having you risking your neck and beating-up people in his name?”

“Thanks to Ricky we'll never know, Alex, that's the thing.” They glared severely at each other for a moment, and no one dared to intervene.

“Listen to me,” Ali lowered her voice, but made it more serious, “this is the last time you go out taking justice into your own hands, this is the last time you keep such a secret from me, and the last time you put your hands on someone who hasn't lifted a finger against you.”

“But Al—,”

“No,” Ali cut her. “No, okay? You're a goalkeeper and many, many other things, but never a thug and never a violent person. If this came out, your reputation would be ruined. Do you think parents want their children to think it's okay to go and become a thug? The world is full of bullies, if we all answer with more anger then what kind of world are we building?”

“Don't give me my own lessons, what else was I supposed to do? He was taking _children_ , Ali!”

“Tell the police! Tell the parents, threaten him verbally, use your money to hire some help for the police, but never take things into your own hands! Jesus Christ Ashlyn, what if your nephew and niece go out doing the same thing, thinking it's cool because you do it? What if our kids do it one day and get themselves killed? You're a public figure; your behaviour has to be exemplar and impeccable. And besides, look what you've achieved; now no one knows where he is, and for all we know he could be in our same neighbourhood in Orlando. Now he's taking other children in other places and we don't even know where. You didn't think much of that, did you?”

Ashlyn frowned and looked down. She was right, he was still doing the same thing, just somewhere else. He had escaped for good, and it was her fault.

“I didn't,” she admitted, ashamed. Ali sighed and shook her head.

“Grab your jacket, we're going to mend this business.”

“How?”

“Doing what you should've done from the very beginning. Tell the police and offer our full collaboration. And you,” she turned and pointed to the cousins, “stop laughing. This isn't cool. This is serious shit.”

  
  


  
  



	21. Growth

**Chapter 21: Growth.**

Ali and Ashlyn sat silently in their car. It had been a long day. They had spent hours at the police station, then bid farewell to their friends, who were all going back to their homes, then packed their things and bid farewell to their families, and now were heading home, Ali driving. They had stopped mid-way to grab a snack, and now, as they sat back in the car, Ali didn't start the vehicle. Ashlyn, who had been awfully quiet since they had been with the police, full of guilt, took a while to notice they weren't moving.

“What?” Ashlyn asked.

The defender's brown eyes moved to look at Ashlyn.

“I'm sorry I was so rough, and in front of your family...” Ashlyn shook her head.

“You did right. I did something unacceptable because I let my emotions take over, and I couldn't even see it. I should've been more mature, it's what our children will need me to be.”

“Then let's just end the topic and forget about it. Ash, don't beat yourself up in guilt or shame... you were about to have your brother's funeral. You weren't thinking clearly, it happens. And it could've been worse, you could've gone and stabbed him to death.”

Ashlyn side-smiled small. Her wife was always just so caring and attentive, and had figured out perfectly well what she was thinking.

“I don't quite know how to let it go.”

“Easy,” Ali leaned over the gearbox to cup her face and kiss her. “You've created an amazing foundation, I'm very proud of you, and with those dimples and those hazel eyes you're driving me crazy.” The other woman snorted a laugh and leaned for another kiss.

“Get us home and you'll get more,” said the goalkeeper kissing her back. “Thank you, Alex.”

Ali bit her lip softly looking at her with desire and smiled, blushing and turning the car on. It was time to get home, and get there quickly.

. . .

If she wasn't exhausted, Ashlyn would go for a sixth round. When they were younger, they had had stamina for whole nights, after all, but now they had to admit they weren't the same. As she looked down at Ali while the defender lied lazily licking her right nipple, or biting softly around, while her hand massaged her other breast, it was hard to resist her for sure, and she wished she had the same stamina she had at 25.

“Come on, stop!” Ashlyn's lips curved upwards as she gently pulled Ali up to have her face to face and kissed her passionately, rolling over in bed. She was feeling completely recovered from her concussion, as she had shown Ali five times that night,and enjoyed driving her insane with kisses that took her breath away. The short-haired woman finally separated, not without pulling her lip a little with her teeth, making her tremble all over, “come on, Princess, you have to sleep well for the cameras tomorrow.” They had the home-opener game the next day.

“You just look so pretty,” Ali couldn't help pulling her closer. “Hug me.”

“I won't let go, I promise.”

They snuggled into one another, their skins pressing as if forming one, and fell into sleep.

The mornings at the Krieger-Harris household were always a bit of a rush. They both had to shower, do their make-up and hair, and have breakfast, throw clothes into backpacks or holdalls for later, and make sure to have everything they needed.

“We'll see you later gorg,” Ashlyn told their dog, covering her in kisses alongside Ali, before they both left. “Did your family make it to the home-opener?” she asked her wife as they slid in their car seats.

“Yeah, yeah, Kyle's texting they're on their way to the stadium,” Ali said checking her phone. “And your Mum texted she and the rest of your fam have just parked in the stadium, so they're there quite early.”

“Good.” Ashlyn got behind the wheel, and started driving out of their garage.

Although they often hosted their families -at least those who came from far- this time Ali had asked her family to stay in an hotel the night before the game and come later, to make sure they went to bed early and rested properly, after the weeks busy with the CH Foundation. They had ended-up taking advantage for sex, but no one regretted it.

“I'm so excited to play in front of our families,” Ali said grinning, clapping in excitement, which made Ashlyn laugh.

“I'm excited to play against North Carolina, it feels like I haven't seen HAO in forever.”

“You just spent two days with her in Satellite like, nothing ago.”

“Wasn't enough.”

Between laughter and silliness, they arrived to the stadium. Ashlyn had requested the Pride permission to play with a black armband the entire season, thinking of it as a mourning year, and it had been conceded, so as she changed clothes in the locker room, she didn't think twice while putting on hers, and then also the Captain's armband. The good thing about being a goalkeeper was that even with short-sleeves, hers were a bit longer than her mates, which was more comfortable for armbands. She was wearing her black jersey, and after putting on her boots, she stood up and looked to see if everyone was ready. All the girls stood up straightening their clothes and checking themselves, everyone in front of their chairs forming a big circle, and Ashlyn was surprised to find everyone wore black armbands.

“Girls,” Ashlyn said, “what's going on with the armbands?”

“Well, we had a conversation and decided,” Alana Kennedy spoke, “we're family. And we're all deal with this, this year, together.” All the girls looked at Ashlyn, smiling satisfied and giving nods of approval, and Ashlyn grinned, amazed.

“You guys...” Ashlyn shook her head in amazement and brought her hand forward. “Pride on three!”

They walked into the stadium in the middle of a purple smoke-cloud and cheering and applause. Ashlyn was once again amazed seeing messages of support towards her family in the stands. She had announced her family would be there, so it was touching their fans had thought of that. The commentator commented on the fact that the entire Pride team was wearing black armbands in support of the Harris family, and the stadium seemed to explode into applause as the fans supported the gesture.

As they moved to form the huddle before the game started, Ashlyn wanted to thank her teammates properly.

“Girls! I'm not going to give you chastising today,” Ashlyn smiled at them, her arms around her teammates. “I just want to say that my family is here today, that they see that and I'm sure they, like I, are feeling very in family and very loved today. I want to tell you you're amazing people above it all, and also wonderful, talented players, and that's why we're going to win. Because you're kind, because you're loving, because you're good friends who care about each other and lift each other up, because you push each other forward. A team must be like an organ with all its parts caring for each other and working together so no one gets left behind, and today you've shown me how much to the heart you take that. So let's be one big organ, let's have our hearts beat as one, and we'll win this. And more than anything else, let's have fun, let's truly remember to enjoy every second, as if this was our last ever game. Pride on three!”

“Great speech cap,” Ali patted her shoulder and grinning, running past her. Ashlyn smiled at her and nodded. She blew a kiss to the stands and waved, and ran to the net. Time to play.

Little after the game started, Ashlyn heard the chanting 'Krie-ger Har-ris!' and she chuckled at the excited fans. Ali didn't seem to notice, as she was engrossed in the game, currently running after a ball that she passed to Marta in a long pass through the side and became an almost goal. The energy in the stadium was just amazing, intense and full of passion, the way Ashlyn liked it most. Despite the name change, they were still called 'Krieger' or 'Harris' on a daily basis to distinguish them on the field, or even by their names, but it was fine. They didn't mind. However, being chanted by their married names was a whole new feeling that made Ashlyn's legs a bit wobbly.

During the first half she had little action, which she enjoyed. She liked to just stand and see her team do their job right so she never had to touch the ball. If it was the entire time in the opposite side of the field, they were doing one hell of a job. When she made her first save, a high ball hard to stop, the stadium roared, and when she made the second, they started chanting the famous 'esta noche, os vamos a ganar, ¡Or-lan-do!'. Then the second half the Pride was noticeably a bit tired, and the NC was quite the incredible team, with top-class players, very hard to beat, and relentless. They made it hard and tired them out, so Ashlyn had to do way more moving. Thankfully, since she had done little in the first half, she was perhaps the only Pride player who wasn't dying of exhaustion, and made some great saves, amazing the people who had doubted whether she truly was completely ready to come back after her concussion.

At last, in the second half, in the extra time, Marta put a goal in, and that was it. Pride had won against one of the biggest beasts of the NWSL, and they were euphoric.

“Third clean-sheet in a row girl!” Ali grinned proudly, jumping and giving her a high-five with both hands.

“I've got a great Department of Defence, great job girls!” Ashlyn encouraged everyone as they all hugged. “This is how you play against one of the best teams in the league, awesome job.” They noticed then at once that the fans were chanting 'Con-gra-tu-la-tions Krie-ger Har-ris!' and applauding, and they laughed, waving hands as a thank you.

After the match, the Pride got in line arm-in-arm and bowed to their fans as a 'thank you', and Ali and Ash ran to their families for hugs and hellos. They signed autographs, spoke with the fans, received many congratulations for their wedding alongside condolences about Christopher, and had a good time. Ashlyn hugged her grandma, climbing on the stands, and then took her nephew and niece on the field to play a little, running around and letting the fans take photographs. She was always the happiest with Jenson and Raya, and Ali loved to play with them too. Eventually they returned to the locker room and only then did Ali let her adrenaline go down, slumping on her chair.

“I'm wrecked,” she sighed with a satisfied smile.

“Shower and you can sleep at home. I'll drive,” Ashlyn smiled at her, and grabbed a towel. “I'll deal with press, wait for me with the fam?”

“Sure, you go.”

Ashlyn was in charge of the post-game conference, so with her niece Raya, who had wanted to accompany her and who would be two years old in May, she went into the conference room and sat with her niece on her lap. The little girl had the looks of her brother and a little blonde mane, and was wearing a purple Pride t-shirt.

“Hello everyone, this is my niece Raya,” Ashlyn introduced. “Say hi!” she smiled at the little girl and she waved one little hand, stealing everybody's hearts.

“Ashlyn, can you tell us your thoughts on today's match?” was the first question.

“Yes, well, today's been a great game, I'm very proud of the girls coming in strong, we have to remember we have top class players here, many of them international players for their respective countries, so we have some of Australia's, England's, or Brazil's best talents as well, and today really showed. North Carolina is very hard to beat, and when two great teams play there can never be many goals, because otherwise one of them wouldn't be that good, it'd be too easy, and they played their best today, but I feel that we really fought for it and had possession, I had to do very little, which to me is always a good sign, we kept the ball in their half, and eventually Marta was able to get the ball forward, so I'm really happy with the performance today.”

“You have recently lost your brother, I give you my condolences and, you're also just back from a concussion, how do you think those things have affected your performance, do you feel like you rely more on the rest of the team?”

Ashlyn raised her eyebrows and shook her head, wrapping an arm around her niece.

“No, you see, all the games I've played since my brother's passing have been clean-sheets, which for me, it's a huge boost of confidence. When I'm on the field, I'm not thinking about my family, I'm focused. And I wouldn't be here if I wasn't 100% ready, same as I didn't go to the National camp few weeks ago despite being invited, because I knew I wasn't ready. If I can't give my best, the teams are better off with any other keeper, and I'm serious about that, so if I'm here it's because I'm ready. When I went to the National camp right after a couple weeks very tough home with my brother's funeral and stuff, I did it because I needed it, but also because I knew I could play, I knew I could focus exclusively on the game for a couple games, so I did. And in terms of relying on the rest of the team... I always rely on them to do their job. But today I didn't say 'make sure I don't touch the ball because otherwise they might score', because I was ready to be here, my family and friends were here to support me, I knew I'd have no problems with my head and my mentality. Today I told them to enjoy the game and win it, but I don't need them to make it easy for me. That will come automatically because if they do their job to the finest like today, I don't have to touch the ball. But when I have to, I'm fully ready, I'm completely prepared to act in any moment, no matter if there's much action near me or not, I don't relax.”

“Today was your first game back in Orlando since your wedding to your teammate Ali Krieger, how has it been now to play with your wife, was there any difference? Because it's not so common to see a marriage playing together.”

Ashlyn corresponded the journalist's interview and nodded.

“Well it's been really incredible and emotional hearing the fans chanting our married name and saying congrats and all, and we were just talking with them after the match and they've been incredible, congratulating us, hugging us, saying how happy they were for us, and giving condolences about my brother. So it's been really heart-warming, but in terms of playing, nothing's changed. Ali and I have been together for ten years this autumn, almost nine in secret, and we've almost always been in the same team, so we're used to playing together while hiding our relationship, and now we don't hide but we still have a very strict policy of being professional. For us, the moment we step on the field we're no longer Mrs and Mrs. When I shout at her like I shout at everyone during the game, I shout as her captain and teammate, not as her wife. I never shout at her as her wife. And nothing happens in the locker room either,” she added jokingly, eliciting some laughter. “So... yeah, we drive here together but the moment we exit the car, this is our job and we have to be professional.”

“Ashlyn, today the whole team was wearing black armbands, I suppose because of your brother, was that the staff's decision or was it yours? And also, how is it like, to have that sort of support, does it make you more comfortable in the team?”

“I actually had no idea it was going to happen until I saw it in the locker room, and for what they've told me, it was my teammates decision and it was a very touching one, it made me feel even prouder to be here. What my family's going through is something very, very tough, and I plan on wearing the black armband for both teams the entire year. I'd like to win the Olympics with that armband, you know? Because to me, it means remembrance. It means you don't just jump back into the field and pass from someone you love, it means you carry them with you, and to me, it reminds me during over ninety minutes of what truly matters in life more than anything, and that's always going to be family for me. To me those girls are my sisters and wife, and seeing that they see me and my brother like that as well, that's really meaningful, that's really touching and I feel very, very lucky to be here and to have each of them and call them family, so it's been incredible that they have decided to wear them with me the entire year, as they have. But today, because my parents and a good part of my family came over, it felt even bigger, because my parents were watching, they saw it, and you have no idea how touched they were, how much it meant to them. 'Cause now they feel like no one gets it, like it's so painful and not everyone knows what it is to lose your son, and seeing that everyone was so supportive... it makes you feel less alone. I think a big part of the reason why my family has kept their heads over water so far is because they've felt the entire fanbase's support, from the National Team, from the Pride Organization... everywhere. It's been amazing. Truly.”

“Last question, Lucy,” the Pride organization employee indicated. The journalist in question spoke.

“Ashlyn, I'd just like to know, what do you tell the girls in the huddle to get this result?”

“Uh...” Ashlyn felt Raya playing with her wedding band in her finger. She had put it back immediately after the game, as always. “You know, it's funny, because traditionally I went in very hard with tactic stuff. Usually I'd be like 'I want you with better connection, I want better passings, go and win this'. Lately, however, and we can blame this on my brother maybe,” she said with a small smile, “I've been changing my mentality and thinking that a big reason why teams win, a big reason why you push yourself to be a winner, is because you think of how loved you are, of how many people you have there cheering out for you and encouraging you and making you feel a superhero. My family and my wife have done that for me a lot these past few weeks. There have been moments with my concussion in which I went to my wife completely depressed thinking I wasn't coming back, and seeing how hard she believed in me somehow did it for me, helping me realize that whatever I beat myself up with it's just my inner demons, and love is what pushes them away. When these girls play bad, is because they let their inner demons win, which is something I don't think I ever realized before. They do one bad pass and start thinking they suck at passing, or fail a goal and start getting tired. So today I basically told them I loved them. I told them they're incredible players, I told them they're going to win because if they believe how amazing they are, if they are conscious of all their qualities, their kindness, big hearts, talent... then there was no way they couldn't win. One reason why the USWNT is so damn good is because we are all a big family and have been for like a decade, some more, we spent several weeks a year literally living together and creating that bond... and I want the girls here to have it. So I just want them to always remember I love them, that they're my friends, my sisters, people in which I see a bunch of invaluable qualities such as intelligence, funny, compassionate, caring... and I want them to see each other as sisters and play together as a team working as one same beating heart, and then you create a winning team because you've got players who want to win for themselves, but also for each other, and who don't feel alone out there with the weight because they feel they have everyone else in the team to believe in them and support them.”

Ali fell asleep on the car on their way back. Ashlyn was exhausted, but she refused to wake her up and carried her bride-style into the house as she slept and Kyle took photographs, and as she tucked her in bed after the long day, she smiled to herself and pressed a kiss on her forehead. She made her grow into a better person.

  
  



	22. Love is louder

**Chapter 22: Love is louder.**

On a warm Saturday morning before they had to go to camp in Portugal the next day, Ali found Ashlyn sitting outside on the exterior sofas with the coffee table there full of papers, pencils and colours. Although in a decade together she had found Ashlyn drawing at least a billion times, never had she seen her do it with such a frustrated experience.

“Frustration doesn't let creativity flow,” Ali said with a sympathetic expression as she sat next to her.

“Ugh,” Ashlyn puffed. “I wanted to take advantage of the trip and get a tattoo going in this nice place in Portugal, something for Chris... but I can't design anything remotely good. I don't get it, it's not usually so hard.”

“You're more demanding and critical when it's about him,” Ali said softly, grabbing some drawings. “Gosh, you're so talented! These are stunning.”

“Yet not what I want. I have his name, I don't have much space left and I want to have space to get tattoos in our children's honour one day so I thought I could just add something to the name, the place is already good and everything...”

“I see,” Ali cupped the back of her neck with one hand, stroking her hair with her thumb like she knew that relaxed her wife. “Well first you need to figure out whether you want to honour his life or make a reference to his passing. Why did you only tattoo his name, and not a picture like with your parents or myself, by the way?”

“Yeah well, because...” she sighed. “That's what was important. The fact that he was just there, and that was enough. When someone has a criminal record and a drug history... to me, I just wanted to signify the fact that he was there, plainly, with all that his name meant, good and bad, and that it was enough for me. That I loved him like that. On the other hand, with my parents there were just... specific traits that stood out for me and that I wanted to reflect and with you... I thought this tattoo really showed everything of you that I truly admire. But with Christopher it wasn't saying what I admire, it was a way of saying, 'I know you've got a ton of flaws, but I love you, and you're all right as you are'. So I guess now... I'd want something that says he's gone but that at the same time, he isn't. Something in reference to the fact that he's dead, because you know in many ways all of these are like a diary and it feels important to add that up.” She looked at her arms, covered in tattoos. Ali looked too. She always liked to trace them to sleep when she had trouble catching it.

“I don't suppose you're wanting to go for the typical things of putting a couple wings and a date somewhere, right?” Ali asked with half a smile. Ashlyn snorted a laugh and shook her head.

“Too common. I want something unique. Something I can always look at and remember that even though he's dead, he was especial, he'll always be especial, and I'll always have him with me. Something that helps miss him a little less when I'm eighty and I've been brotherless for most of my life.”

Ali sat there thoughtful for a long while with her. She really wanted to help, but she wasn't half as creative as her wife. Then, she got an idea.

“It may be too typical as well, and even silly, but it occurs to me...” Ali shrugged, doubtful, but she looked at her full of interest. “Why don't you tattoo some black, small bird silhouettes around his name? They always say birds are what unites Earth and Heaven, Satellite is full of birds, the same ones you and Chris used to look at so much when you surfed, seagulls also represent the beach, which is where you two spent the most time and grew up, then being black it somehow represents it's gone, right? And they fly away, but at the same time, they don't quite leave, because we can find them every time we look up. Besides, didn't Chris have a weird fascination with birds? I thought he was the sparrow whisperer when little?”

Ashlyn grinned and nodded.

“You bloody genius,” she took her face between her hands and kissed her intensely.

“Is that okay? Not too simple and easy?”

“Yeah but at the same time, that was Christopher. Simple, our relationship easy, at least in the past few years. I love your idea.” They looked lovingly at each other and then Ali patted her thigh.

“Now go get your things packed!”

All the players that were on the roster for these games had to fly first to Washington DC, where the whole team would meet and fly together to Portimão. Because Ali's Dad and step-mother lived in Dumfries, which was less than an hour from DC, they decided to stay with them one night, and make the trip early morning to catch the flight, that left at noon time. Once again, they had to say goodbye to Logan, who would be staying with her Aunt Liz Clabaugh. It always broke their hearts to leave her behind, but as they got into the taxi to the airport, that was somehow forgotten, their brains busying with the stress of flying.

“Why couldn't your Dad,” Ashlyn said, not for the first time, as she tried to get comfortable in the plane seat for the remaining hour of their two hour flight, “live right next to the airport? Not like, an hour away...”

“Oh, come on, it's not an hour,” Ali was used to her wife's impatience when she was tired and confronting days of travel. “He'll pick us up, take us to his gorgeous house, and we'll be there before you know it. Besides, car nap?”

The younger woman frowned but grabbed her arm and supported her cheek on the upper part of it.

“I just wanna cuddle with my wife,” she murmured like a pissed-off child. Ali sniggered and pressed a wet kiss against his short hair.

“Soon, you'll see.”

Once they got to the airport, they had to wait for their many suitcases. The first game was in Portugal, but then they had a game in Alicante, Spain, in Belgium they'd play Belgium and Sweden, and in London they'd play England and Scotland, before heading back home. It would be a long and tiring camp, so the USWNT got used to playing outside of home and to doing tons of flying, because when they went to Tokyo, it was sixteen hours of flight from Orlando, and it would be hard as well. Since the trip was so long and with such different weather, with it being quite warm in the Algarve and Alicante despite being April, they had to bring so many things, so it didn't add fun to the trip.

“There he is! And Kyle! Oh!” Ali jumped excitedly as they went into the arrivals area of the airport. Ashlyn looked up and, indeed, saw the two men smiling and waving their hands at them. Kyle had lived in New York, Brooklyn, Los Angeles, then London for a filmmaking thing he was studying, and now he was back between New York and Los Angeles, doing filmmaking courses here and there.

The youngest Krieger was soon running to the men, jumping to her father's arms and then Kyle. Ashlyn rolled eyes and smiled, following and getting to hug her father-in-law as Ali freed him to hug her brother.

“How's it going Ken?” Ashlyn asked with a warm smile as they hugged.

“Very well, you? How's that head?”

“Much better, thankfully. Hi Kyle!”

The entire drive home was filled with exciting conversation, mostly made by the Krieger youngsters. Kyle informed them he was currently doing some modelling for a company in DC, so he was staying with their Dad for a couple weeks, and had decided to drop by a few days earlier than he needed to in order to see his sisters, once his Dad had told him they were coming for one day.

“So girls, excited about the trip?” Ken's second wife asked all smiley as she and Ken put dinner on the table and filled the 'kids' plates.

“So very!” Ali said cheerfully. “I love April as a coach. She's the best. And it's been a while since we last did a good European trip, I miss it.”

“I'm looking forward to Spanish food,” Ashlyn said patting her stomach. “And beach, and sun...!”

“There's the Floridian speaking,” Kyle winked, chuckling at his sister.

“Well I hope you have the best time,” Ken wished his girls, sitting down next to Ashlyn. “And say hi to everyone from us!”

“Thanks, Dad. Kyle, will we catch you when we come back?” Ali asked hopeful.

“Uh...” Kyle shook his head with a saddened expression. “But I can drop by Florida! I'm sort of all over the place lately, I can be there in a month or so.”

“Deal!” Ali grinned big, high fiving her brother. Ken smiled at his children, proud of their relationship, and Ashlyn tried not to feel jealous.

Lately, Ashlyn had stopped listening to upbeat, hip-hop music, which had always been her go-to. She had always loved rap and the poetry behind, and danceable music, music that pumped her and filled her with energy. But lately, she had completely changed her style. She had started listening to her brother's music, which was very different; a hint sadder, more Indie like, with drums, piano and soft guitars, like soft rock. She found herself drawn to the deep lyrics about loss and heartbreak, about harsh times and sacrifice, and enjoyed soft singing in her ears, with predominance of piano and drums forming the bass parts with some soft guitar melody over it, she enjoyed the music that calmed her and relaxed her but that also channelled her pain. Lately she had discovered Ron Pope and Bonnie Dune, Daughter, and also some Birdy songs of that style and others, and was becoming addicted to that style to help her move from her brother's death.

“I'm walking on a tightrope wire, so afraid to fall... and I'd tell you that I miss you but I'm sure... it doesn't matter at all,” Ashlyn sang softly to herself that night, standing in Ali's bedroom with her elbows on the verge of the open window, just taking in the Dumfries beauty. “And all... you hold on to... it's breaking in your hands. You scream... but no one listens...” she went from one song to another, with the parts that came to her mind, singing in whispers.

“Hey,” she heard Ali's voice behind her one moment before she felt her hand on the low of her back and saw her wife stand next to her, “taking the beauty in?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn pressed her lips and curved them into a dimple-filled small smile, of those that made Ali's heart skip a beat even after ten years. “You grew up in such a pretty place.”

“Coming from someone from Satellite Beach, I'm flattered,” Ali joked. “Kyle and I were talking about doing a stroll around the lake. I know we have to get up early, so not too long, but I was going to go. You going to sleep or coming?”

“Sure,” Ashlyn nodded. “Let's go, let me grab my jacket.”

The half an hour walk to the lake through the night was filled with conversation mostly from the Kriegers, commenting on everything that was different, sometimes saluting a known neighbour. They walked through pretty houses with big gardens and green areas. It was so different from Florida, where palm trees reigned, and here it was all big bushes, tons of big plants everywhere, and no palm trees, but normal trees so big they covered entire views.

“You're quiet, Ash,” Kyle murmured, giving her a little smile. Ashlyn smiled back.

“Don't have much to talk about, my brain's on the net I'm afraid.”

“Liar,” Ali rolled eyes, but her expression was kind, “she's been Miss Quiet and listening to sad music for over a month now.” She told her brother.

“Oh really?” Kyle looked surprised. “What happened to Eminem?”

“I'm just listening to my brother's music,” Ashlyn explained. “His tastes were very different from mine, and I'm kind of liking it.”

“And his music makes you quiet?” Kyle inquired, always caring for his family.

“Not his music,” Ashlyn answered, “the lack of him makes me quiet. It's been several months now, I miss him more than when I had last seen him three weeks before. And it's only going to get worse at time passes, until I settle down with the fact that he's never coming back.”

“You can talk about him with us, if it helps,” Ali offered.

“I don't really want to talk about him. I just... Look, you shouldn't worry. I'm quiet, but I'm fine. It's not sad-quiet is more like... being present quiet. Enjoying these nice moments when it's not loud and full of fans and cameras, but just family. I guess some things change you a little much.”

“You _are_ changing,” Ali pointed out as they reached the lake and sat on the ground of one of the little piers coming into the lake.

“Is that a reason for divorce?” Ashlyn half joked, unsure. Ali snorted.

“Of course not,” she put an arm around her wife's shoulders, “we've both changed a ton in ten years, and you might not realize, but you're probably the one who's changed the most. From party girl shooting water pistols in wet-shirt parties to serious, focused grown-up with goals bigger than soccer,” she half smiled at her, “and when we're old and wrinkly, we'll be completely different, and we'll still be together and love each other. I'm sure.”

“You two are _so_ cheesy,” Kyle chuckled happily. “Ash, as long as you keep treating her like royalty, she's yours forever.” Ali laughed.

“Damn right!” she said jokingly.

“You sure?” Ashlyn looked at them serious and Ali raised her eyebrows, surprised. “Our parents divorced.”

“And your grandparents were together until death for like... ages,” Ali pointed out. Ashlyn had two grandmothers alive and one grandfather who was alive as well, while another had died. Ali had no living grandparents anymore.

“I know, but I mean...” the goalkeeper sighed, frustrated, and looked at the lake. “I'd understand if you wanted to be with someone else. Sometimes people turn so sad it's hard to be with them, or you just change and no longer... I mean my parents divorced because life was shit and they were sad people, I get it, sometimes you'd rather be alone than with someone who isn't the one you fell in love with.”

Ali and Kyle exchanged surprised glances and then looked at her.

“I can't believe you're serious with this Ash, but I will not divorce you because you change, or because you're mourning. Ash, in case you forgot, I half, only half, know what it is like to lose someone like that. Kyle vanished for years when he was drugged, I didn't even know if he was alive for years, and I felt as if he wasn't.”

“I'm sorry,” Kyle whispered, always feeling guilty when thinking of that.

“It's fine Kyle,” Ali kissed his cheek. “What I mean is, sometimes I think you don't quite get what losing a brother means, at least one you were so close with.”

“Don't I?” Ashlyn asked between sarcastic and surprised.

“I think you _know_ it, but it doesn't sink in, you know? Like, an orphan's world changes completely, and one thing is mourning your parents, but another very different and much rougher is realizing you're alone to care for yourself, that you have to grow-up and be your parent now. Well this is similar. Your whole life you had someone who would've done anything for you, someone to make you feel safe, someone to always count on even when the world crumbled. If we broke-up, Chris was there, if you weren't in the US team, he was there, if it was your birthday, he was the first to write something sappy and full of pictures about how incredible you were for him. People fill our lives and create our world, and we get so used to it, because we never know anything else, than when they're gone, everything changes in ways we might not expect. Like when Christmas comes, and you suddenly realize he really won't show-up, that he really is gone.”

“Yeah...” Kyle murmured with a nod. “Like when Luna died. There were so many little things I didn't realize my life had just because of her, routines and things... and it's odd when all of those things go. Like when you see something they would've liked, and almost buy it until you realize they're not there to receive it. A death is way more than just missing a person. Your whole life changes.”

“I know all that,” Ashlyn murmured with a frown. “I've lost a bunch of people. A bunch of friends died for drugs or suicide, my grandpa is literally the only person I've lost because of natural reasons and without it being premature. I know who's not going to be at my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my children's births even, I know, okay?” she was growing frustrated. “Look, I just feel vertigo, okay?”

“Vertigo?” Ali frowned, confused.

“Yes, because... everything is happening too fast. We were just married when he died, I had just spoken to him when he died, and now suddenly it's been months and it feels like the world is so loud, so busy, so many things are happening so fast and with the hustle of the Olympics and everything, that it's just... too fast. So fast that soon it'll be years since he died and it feels like I'm in a train going fast speed and he's trying to catch it but he can't because he's dead, so I'd just like for it to be slower to give me time to really... really prepare to go on without him. It's like being stripped from the baby bottle too soon and roughly, I just want five minutes of quiet and calm.” Her eyes has filled with tears all of the sudden and she blinked them away furiously. “Don't you ever feel like all the good happens too fast and you didn't have time to really enjoy it? So now I want to take things slower and be more present and really enjoy and focus on the little moments when it feels like nothing's happening, even though it is. I want to try for the next thirty years to pass slower, because every single day that goes by without him is one more day of distance between my brother and I, and if it happens too fast then it feels like he ran away in five seconds, like you rip the bandage so suddenly, when I'd rather slowly rip it off and manage the small levels of pain of every day waking up knowing he's dead, one day at a time. Because in thirty years, I know I won't remember much of my brother, and don't try to convince me otherwise because do you remember much from your childhoods? It just happens, it's memory. And I don't want to get to that day in which my brother suddenly feels miles away, because he was just here.”

The Kriegers stared at her as she vented things out and when Ali saw her wife's lip tremble and her eyes get a little desperate staring at the horizon, she moved to put her arms around her, putting one hand on her hair and stroking it as she supported her head on the older woman's shoulder. Ashlyn took a deep breath, putting her arms around the brunette's torso and supporting her head against her shoulder and chest.

“We're here,” Kyle caressed her back with one hand, “we've got you.”

“It sucks,” Ashlyn breathed out, feeling exhausted and like in that moment, the defender was really supporting all of her. “How would you feel if you took a plane out of Dumfries and next you came back all the things you loved most were gone, without a warning? And you never had time to say goodbye. Like, last I hugged Christopher I thought it'd be just while I was on honeymoon and I'd see him again soon, but no. And Ali leaving the National Team now too, it's not going to be the same. I go home, and it's not the same. Christopher's not there, my parents are suddenly always together, sadder than ever, the entire family gets together and something's missing, nothing feels truly like it should, and there's always going to be the same missing piece in every happy day to prevent me from truly enjoying and...” she let out a long breath, her voice hoarse. “I'm just so nostalgic, everything's passed so fast. Two days ago we were young and in love in Stockholm, it seems like yesterday Jenson was just a baby... and nothing stops for a minute. There's not enough time to really enjoy every minute.”

“And calm music is four minutes of just focusing on one memory on repeat until you're ready to let it go,” Ali commented, kissing the top of Ashlyn's head. The younger woman nodded. “You know what? When the day goes by too fast, we can always just cuddle in bed and put a pause on it for a while.”

“Until we can't. One day you'll be gone too. And Kyle. And I'll be here alone.” Ashlyn started sobbing unexpectedly and Ali and Kyle exchanged impressed glances.

“Hey, hey, hey, enough with depressing us all,” Kyle rubbed his eyes and brusquely grabbed Ashlyn so she faced him, so suddenly she stopped sobbing. “Ashlyn Michelle Harris, stop it,” he said firmly. “Life is wonderful. So things end, well, that's for a good reason. Can spring come if the winter never ends? Can Alex's birthday come if Christmas never ends? No. Many of your friends died, but you made a ton of new friends who arrived. You met Alex because your stage with the U-21 ended, and you two married because other relationships failed. You're no longer in Stockholm, you're making a love-story of the rest of your lives, and people's gone, but Raya, Jenson, the Dwyer kiddos, and your own have come or will come, and one day when you're old and it feels like you've lost so much, you should look at your fifteen children and hundred grandchildren and remember all you lost was in exchange of earning so much. When soccer ends, a new incredible stage will come. Just like now for Ali, yes, we'll miss her in the USWNT, but she'll be here kicking balls as a soccer Mum, and that's gonna be incredible. So, if you want to listen to slow, calm, music and swim in old memories for a while, and have time to assimilate they're gone, that's great, but you better also make time to enjoy the now, that tomorrow will be yesterday, because when Raya starts cursing, you'll miss her moment of now, okay?”

Ashlyn blinked heavily for a moment, rubbed her eyes with her hands, and snorted a laugh.

“Gee, no need to be so rough,” she joked.

“Well I have to tackle it fast before it ruins your mascara,” Kyle said matter-of-factly. Ashlyn smiled tearfully and brought him in for a tight hug. Kyle smiled kissing her cheek as they hugged.

“I really did win a brother with you,” Ashlyn whispered.

“Damn right, you're my baby sister.” Kyle looked at Ali behind Ashlyn and saw her smile at them and rub her own teary eyes.

“Come here you jerks,” Ali joined the hug, and the three hugged each other. There were deep inhaling and sniffling as they pulled themselves together.

“Wait, we need to take a photograph, we must look ridiculous,” Kyle said managing to pull his phone from his pocket. They half laughed-cried and separated just enough to stare at the camera.

Three mopey faces, two make-ups ruined and six glassy eyes, but above it all, three big, grinning expressions.

['](mailto:'@kylekriegerhair) _[@kylekriegerhair](mailto:'@kylekriegerhair) there were tears, there were thoughts of those who are gone but not forgotten, and above it all there was the reminder that we are a team, and no one fights their battles alone. Proud brother of 2 badass queens!'_

  
  



	23. Oh sun

**Chapter 23: Oh sun.**

That night, Ashlyn slept like the dead. There was a lot of emotional exhaustion, but also a big feeling of having a big weight taken off her shoulders as the Kriegers helped stand the weight. They always made her feel so much better, they always gave her the words she needed, they were always her warriors. So Ali spooned her through the night, and woke her up in the morning with breakfast in bed and gentle kisses and nibbling. They bid goodbye to the Kriegers quite early and Kyle, who was the only one who didn't have to go to work early that day, drove them to the airport, where they met with the rest of the team. Ashlyn was then thrilled to be back on the team and she was welcomed with enthusiasm after her concussion.

Once in the plane, she and Ali sat together alongside Sydney, and little after take-off Ashlyn was passed-out on a pillow on Ali's shoulder. Ali had the corridor seat and Sydney had the one by the window, and the three had leaned their seats backwards just enough to be extra comfortable, so they were chatting with teammates all around, as they usually did. When Abby Dahlkemper came around with the camera for USWNT vlogs, however, Ali made a point on putting a hand below her wife's chin and up to cover her ear from below so she wouldn't wake-up with so much chatting.

“I see someone fell asleep already?” she whispered with the camera out, and Ali smiled and made a be quiet gesture. “What are you girls looking most forward in Portugal outside soccer?”

“Catching some awesome views and trying to learn enough Portuguese to speak with Marta,” Sydney joked, and Ali snorted a laugh and nodded.

“Won't say catching some sun because we already do in Florida,” Ali pointed out. “So I'm gonna say food.”

The hotel in Portugal was a gorgeous one with excellent views of the Atlantic Ocean and right in the perfect spot to get all the Southern sun. After sitting for lunch one day at a table by some Spanish tourists, Ashlyn started coming to Ali saying '¡hola mi amor!' at random occasions, which became the ongoing joke of the USWNT during their time in Portugal. The game against Portugal was started with Alyssa Naeher at the goal and Ali as right back, and on the second half, they were both subbed out for Ashlyn and Emily Sonnett.

Because the first half was a clean-sheet and US had scored once, Ashlyn was determined to keep her streak of clean-sheets. Not one goal had gotten past her since the beginning of the year, and she was beginning to fantasize with how long could she keep it up, with the idea of breaking a record by being the only goalkeeper not to let one goal in for a whole year, even despite the Olympics. That would surely make her more famous than Hope Solo.

The game was going very well, with some rookies being subbed-in to gain some playing time as the game was coming to an end, and then in the 89th minute, a Portuguese player ran like hell, stupidly fooled Emily Sonnett, making her fall to her ass, and that way forced Ashlyn to run forward in a desperate attempt to stop the attack as the defence went completely broke. Ali was observing with horror as the defensive barrier came apart and Ashlyn jumped in what was a very, very desperate attempt to catch the ball as the forward easily got rid of Sonnett and kicked it high. Ashlyn couldn't move fast enough between all the people that had suddenly crowded in the goal, blocking her free movement, and despite her high jump and stretch and hard fall on the ground, the ball went in.

“Oh, oh...” Alex Morgan, who sat with Ali watching the game, murmured, hearing more than seeing the hard fall of the goalkeeper. Crystal Dunn offered to help Ashlyn to her feet but the goalkeeper ignored it, stood up rubbing her side and with mud and grass on her face, and by her face, Ali knew she had gotten very, very angry.

Her streak was broken, she had hurt herself on a save she shouldn't have had to make, her defence had been useless and way below the World Cup winner level, and Sonnett had made a really stupid mistake for Ashlyn to blame for her hurt ribs, and wasn't the right back of her preference.

When Ali saw Ashlyn walk three fast steps to Sonnett, there was a moment she genuinely thought she was going to lose it and get physical, but instead she shouted hard and furious.

“Good job, Sonnett!” she shouted angrily and sarcastically almost on her face. Sonnett made a confused and hurt expression and ran away back to the game, while Ashlyn turned around, used her towel to clean her face, and slapped the goalpost in fury.

“Shit, she's furious,” Allie Long commented surprised. “It's just a tie, it's fine.” But Ali shook her head. She knew her wife took things straight to the heart in most occasions, but she also knew that for her to get so worked-up -and this for her was getting very unusually angry, because she was always very chill and respectful- it had to be that her own problems were also starting to affect her too much.

The game ended on a tie and instead of staying around to greet the fans, sign stuff, hug other players, give congrats and chat with their teammates, leaving the game behind, Ashlyn went straight to the locker room, looking so pissed-off no one had the guts to approach her.

“What's up with your wife?” April Heinrichs, the head coach, asked Ali as they grabbed their things before heading back inside. “Never seen her so pissed about a goal, it's just a friendly.”

“I'll get her back to her old self, promise,” Ali assured her. “I think she was just frustrated with the way the defensive line came apart, and she might've hurt herself because of it, so she exploded a little. I'm sure it's nothing big.”

“Well, it's okay, as long as she makes sure to be okay with Sonny...”

In the locker room, Kelley informed Ali that Ashlyn had jumped into the shower, so Ali showered as well, and decided to try to catch her wife afterwards when she had cooled off a little. But by the time she got to the locker room again, Ashlyn was already putting on her wedding band and engagement ring, serious and ready to go.

“Ash, can we talk one moment?” Ali asked her while holding the towel around herself, hurrying-up before the goalkeeper vanished.

“Not now Alex, later, okay?” Ashlyn gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and left.

“Must be on a hurry to get some pomade on the ribs, I saw the bruise,” Tobin commented as she got dressed herself, seeing Ali's stupefied expression. Ali puffed and shook her head, going to get changed herself.

“Hey, I apologized to her after the game, what else?” Sonny inquired to the room.

“Nothing Sonny, you don't have to apologize, it was a mistake, we all make them all the time,” Sydney said to calm her down.

“Yeah, that's how you become a pro player, by fucking-up and learning,” Carli added as she tied her shoes. “Ash will have to apologize, she knows we don't tolerate that kind of shit, and she hurt herself because that's the downside of goalkeeping, it happens.”

“She will apologize,” Ali assured, putting on her rings. “Damn right she will.”

Ali made sure to get ready quickly and hurried to the bus, where she found Ashlyn on one of the seats in the back, window curtain closed and her head against the curtain. She had her eyes closed and her earphones on. Ali flopped on the seat next to her and took off one of Ashlyn's earphones, to which the goalkeeper frowned and opened her eyes.

“We need to talk,” Ali whispered.

“What about?”

“First of all, how are your ribs?” Ashlyn sighed and moved, opening her jacket and lifting her t-shirt up a little, showing a large bruise that covered her whole side. “Shit...”

“We owe it to our fantastic back-line, don't we?” Ashlyn murmured full of sarcasm, but keeping an eye out to ensure no one heard.

“Come on, it's not like you broke anything. This is the top level Ash, bruises happen.”

“I'm not complaining about a bruise, I'm complaining about a poor performance that almost cost me breaking my skull against the goal-post, in case you didn't notice.”

“Sonny apologized already.”

“Well, I don't just go from angry to not angry in one second.”

“She shouldn't even have to apologize. We all make mistakes, if we apologized of every on-field mistake, we'd be apologizing forever, and your reaction was disproportionated. You better apologize for that snapping, Ashlyn.”

“I'm not talking about this on the bus, Ali,” Ashlyn grumbled simply, putting her earphones on and closing her eyes again. Ali sighed loudly and leaned back, closing her eyes and hoping the ride was fast.

There were paparazzi right outside the bus when they got out at the hotel, so Ali followed Ashlyn to her bedroom, that she was sharing with Allie Long, who wasn't there yet.

“You can't go around shouting at our teammates with such aggressiveness, you almost spat on her face. You can't go around punching goal posts with those million dollar hands without which you couldn't play, draw, or write like you enjoy doing, and finally, after games we're supposed to show sportsmanship by sticking around for a big, sign stuff, talk with the other team. It was just a tie, you let it get to your heart, and you took it out on poor Sonny, and you ought to apologize, because April has already commented on your need to keep your cool better.”

Ashlyn listened as she left her soccer stuff and started changing clothes.

“Are you finished?” the goalkeeper asked her then. Ali looked at her in surprise.

“Yes, where are you going?”

“I made the tattoo appointment. I'm really sorry Alex, but if I don't go now I won't make back for dinner.” Ashlyn said quickly putting on normal, Umbro clothes and her shoes.

“I'm talking to you and you're just going to leave?”

“I thought you had said what you came here to say.”

“I expected an answer?”

“An answer,” Ashlyn looked up at her once she was ready, and shrugged. “If April has any big concerns, she'll speak to me. As for Sonny, we all shout at each other on the field, hundred times people have left the field and rushed to the locker room and in my case I had ribs to check and ice before the game against Spain, so I had a legitimate reason, I wasn't being a bad sportswoman. What happened today was nothing weird or unusual and I think you're exaggerating, babe. Sonny's a big girl, she can take some shouting like we all have. We all say tough things to each other all the time to improve each other and no one cries, and whoever can't take it then maybe should stay home and suck their thumb, because this is the highest level and here life is tough. And I didn't even say anything remotely ugly to Sonny. Now, I'm sorry, but I really have to go. I love you.” Ashlyn kissed her cheek, and before Ali could do anything, was gone.

As she had expected, Ashlyn didn't have time to come back fast enough. She had gone to a famous tattoo artist in Portimao after speaking to them online once she had seen their beautiful designs, and was going to get her brother's tattoo completed. It took a few hours of some pain as the needle worked on her skin, in an oddly therapeutic way, and when she arrived back to the hotel, running, they were already on second plates. Ashlyn grabbed herself some food and looked for a seat. She locked eyes with Ali for one moment and smiled, feeling much more relaxed and happy now than after the game, but Ali rolled eyes and returned to her conversation with the girls. Ashlyn took the hint and found a seat on another table, between Rapinoe and Sonny.

“Hi,” Ashlyn said as she sat, “good thing I catch you Sonny, I was hoping we could talk before bed.” She was originally going to look for her later, but she figured this was a better occasion.

“Sure, what about?” Emily Sonnett asked, unsure.

“I just want to make sure that we're good. I know I got harsh with that goal, but I hope you know that for me, what goes on the field stays on the field. I got pissed, but once the game is over then it's gone and done with, you know? You're my friend, and I'm sorry if I went too far.”

Sonnett looked surprised, but nodded.

“No problem, Ash. How are your ribs?”

“All good,” Ashlyn chuckled.

“What took you so long?” Rapinoe asked. “Your wife doesn't look very happy with you.”

“My teammate Pinoe, at work we're teammates before wives,” Ashlyn shrugged. “I went to get a tattoo and because she insisted on having a conversation while I had to go, I left her mid-conversation.”

“You got a tattoo?” Tobin asked across the table.

Ali watched from her table as Ashlyn lifted her t-shirt for her friends to see the new tattoo, the birds flying near Chris' name, and even Sonny was smiling and chatting amicably with her. It looked like they had fixed their problems.

“See? They're good,” Sydney told Ali, sitting next to her. “Stop glaring at the back of her head.”

“Yeah...”

When Ali finished dinner, she gave her friends goodnight and went back to her bedroom with Sydney. Ashlyn watched, and although she'd rather leave it for tomorrow, followed her because she knew they weren't supposed to go to bed without knowing they were perfectly fine.

“Hey Kriegs!” Ashlyn called for her jogging after her. Sydney and Ali stopped.

“Go, it's fine,” Ali murmured to Sydney, who nodded.

“Night Ash!” Sydney went on to the lift and Ali turned to face Ashlyn with a tired expression.

“Hi,” said Ali.

“I cut you off before,” Ashlyn said gently. “I'm here if you want to continue where we left off.”

“Well I'm pretty tired and besides, what for? Whatever I say clearly goes in one ear and out the other.”

“I apologized, you know?”

“Good for you,” Ali nodded. “Because you know? This was a little silly thing, but things always start with something small and stupid and escalate, and if you get worse with a teammate, FIFA may intervene.”

“That's not gonna happen,” said Ashlyn simply. “I'll behave, okay? Come on, you know me.” Ali bit her lip and nodded. She didn't want to say it, but she knew she had to.

“I do, which is precisely why I should tell you I think you should tell April you're not in condition to play.”

“What are you talking about? I'm perfectly fit.”

“I know physically you are, but mentally? Ash,” Ali got closer to try and keep their voices lower so no one would hear them, “you're having breakdowns. You said it yourself, this thing with Chris gets harder by the month, and the pressure with the Olympics is going to get worse every passing day. I'm seriously worried Chris' death united to the growing pressure of the Olympics will wind-up seriously breaking you. Maybe if you played as a sub for a while... lessen the pressure, you know?”

“Playing as a sub won't prepare me for the Olympics,” Ashlyn argued. “Look, I'm not breaking down. I had one moment of crying, that's healthy, not breaking down. And I'll have more and that's fine, it's good to let things out, it's healthy. I'll be fine.”

  
  



	24. The disaster

**Chapter 24: The disaster.**

The next day, the team had a rest day before they had to grab a plane the next day to get to Alicante, where in four days, they'd be playing against Spain's Women's National Team, that in the last few years had become one of the top teams in the world, beating teams like Brazil or France. Due to their recent discussion, Ashlyn decided to compensate Ali by taking her out for a romantic day in Portimao, eating at the beach, going to dance, and arriving back to the hotel for dinner, looking tired but gleeful. Now that it was late April, the weather was just perfect in Portugal and they even got a little burnt.

“Goodnight Mein Liebe,” Ali smiled against Ashlyn's lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too Princess,” Ashlyn kissed her back and gave her a quick hand squeeze. “Sweet dreams.”

“You two are like teenagers,” Kelley joked with a smirk as Ashlyn flopped on her bed.

“God, she makes my heart go a mile per second...”

She fell asleep shortly after, exhausted after the whole day out. They didn't have to get up until ten, because the plane left late, since it took such little time to fly from one coast to the other over Spain, so Ashlyn was surprised when her phone ringing woke her up at three.

“The f-,” Ashlyn scowled, stretching to grab her phone. She always put it in minimum volume when she went to bed, and when she travelled abroad, she also blocked it so only the calls from her parents and Christopher would go in. That way if any friend forgot about the time difference, they wouldn't wake her up, while her family, who knew perfectly well which hour was wherever she went, could still contact for emergencies. Because they would only call her for this case, Ashlyn's heart was automatically racing before even grabbing the phone.

“Shit Ash, turn that off...” Kelley groaned waking up. Ashlyn saw her father's name on screen and took the call while sitting up.

“Dad, it's three in the morning,” Ashlyn whispered as she pulled the sheets away to get up and go to the bathroom to avoid bothering Kelley.

“I know sweetie, I'm so sorry,” Mike said as she closed the bathroom door behind herself. She looked at herself in the mirror briefly, seeing her short hair was a complete mess and her face looked exhausted. “Something happened...”

“Is Grandma okay? Jenson? Raya?” Ashlyn's mind raced to her family.

“They're all right. It's your Mum, Ash. Don't worry, she's alive!” he hurried to say, as she started panicking.

“She's fine?” Ashlyn was making a conscious effort to stay whispering. “What do you mean she's fine? Why wouldn't she be?”

“Ash... I'm her emergency contact now. I got a call from the hospital a couple hours ago, they said your mother had tried to kill herself.”

Ashlyn felt as if she had received a blow to her lungs, and grabbed onto the sink.

“What? That makes no sense, she was so much better, that's why you went back to your place.” Her parents had been, despite the divorce, living together for a few months after Christopher's death, to support each other.

“I know, it's what I thought as well, yet she just... she hung herself from the fan, Ashlyn. Luckily, it gave in to her weight and fell, so police thinks she was only hung for seconds, but when she fell she hit her head and the fan fell on her. She's got a head fracture and a couple broken ribs, one of which pierced her lung. She's having lung and head surgery as we speak, honey.”

The goalkeeper dropped sitting on the floor, shocked. She didn't understand.

“Is she going to...?”

“The doctor is unsure. She lost a lot of blood, she's going to need oxygen support until her lung recovers, but her ribs should recover just fine. What worries them the most is the skull fracture, they can't tell how bad the brain damage is, and besides, she first hit her head when she fell, so it's double damage and they're worried. She was lucky she was supposed to have dinner with your uncle and he came looking for her when she didn't show or answer the phone and found her, although we don't know how long she was unconscious.”

“Are you with her?”

“She's in surgery,” he repeated. “I'm at the hospital with your uncle. Are you in Spain yet?”

“Flying tomorrow,” Ashlyn took a deep breath, trying to calm herself and stay positive. “Dad, it'll take me like fourteen hours of flight plus the car ride to get there, if lucky.” She whispered. _Organize thoughts, to-do list. Focus._

“Don't come, Ash, we'll take care of her. By the time you're here, she'll be out of surgery. You need to focus on Spain.”

“How? I can't, Dad. You're telling me Mum may die in the next few hours, how am I supposed to go back to sleep now and focus on the game? No, no...” Ashlyn stood up, taking a deep breath. “Listen, I'm going to pack my things right now, Ali can tell the coach tomorrow for me, I'll just grab the first plane that leaves tonight for Orlando, you guys can pick me up there, right?”

“Sure, but Ash, are you sure about this? Sweetie, you can't just abandon your team and come, and you can't do anything here anyway.”

“My team will be fine, and I want to be there, support my family, care for you, and see my Mum and hold her hand. And if she...” she shook her head, refusing to think of that. “Whatever happens, I need to be home.”

When the call ended, Ashlyn took a deep breath and started organizing her thoughts. She had to pack, all without waking Kelley up. Or wake her up and ask her help, she could sleep in the plane, and Ashlyn couldn't pack in the dark. Well, she could try. Her roommate was asleep when Ashling stepped back into the bedroom and turned her lamp on. Carefully, she got dressed and started folding everything, opening her suitcase under the dimly light and, working on adrenaline, filling her suitcase up. Luckily she hadn't emptied it much after arriving to Portugal.

“Ash?” Kelley woke up, rubbing her eyes. “It's almost four, what the heck are you doing?”

“I'm sorry Kels, I have to go,” Ashlyn said.

“Go where?”

“To Florida,” Ashlyn replied, packing her shoes and grabbing her glasses, not trusting herself to put the contacts on properly with her exhaustion and stress.

“Ash, Logan's fine, you don't need to go. Get in bed.”

Ashlyn closed the suitcase, squeezing everything in, and made sure she didn't leave anything behind anywhere, before going to Kelley and gently shaking her awake, as she had fallen into a state of semi-sleepness.

“Fuck, go to bed,” Kelley whispered.

“Listen to me, Kelley Maureen O'Hara. Open those eyes, look at me, and listen with ears wide open.”

“What?” Kelley sat up, looking at her full of sleep. Ashlyn put her hands on her shoulders.

“The phone rang because of my Dad. He says my Mum is in surgery right now fighting for her life because she almost killed herself. I need to go to Florida.”

It took a few seconds until Kelley actually heard her and assimilated the news, but then her eyes opened a lot and she practically jumped awake.

“What?” she said more loudly. “Your Mum is having surgery? What did she do?”

“She hung herself from the fan, and it fell, landing on top of her as they both crashed to the ground. That's head concussion and skull fracture, and we've both had enough concussions to know what that means,” Ashlyn said. She knew Kelley knew her mother might never wake up, although she hadn't dared to say it on the phone. Kelley nodded slowly and frowned in worry.

“Fuck, Ash... how are we going to get you there? We need to wake April.”

“At four? No, there's nothing she can do, and I'm a grown-up, I need to do this bothering the team the least is possible. You guys need to go on without me. I've packed my things, I'm going to tell Ali what happened so she can speak with April tomorrow at a reasonable hour, and I'm going to grab a taxi, head to the airport, and get the first flight that leaves for as close to Orlando as possible.”

“All right. What can I do?” Ashlyn smiled softly, sad, and stood up.

“Win me some games.”

The goalkeeper left her suitcases in her room for now and made her way to Ali's room. As she expected, the room was knocked, so she started knocking on it insistently. She was worried about waking up all the other rooms, but before that could happen, she heard movement and heard Ali's voice as she looked through the spyhole.

“Ash? What the...?” the door opened and Ali appeared in her housecoat, looking exhausted, her bun a mess. “Why are you here and dressed at four in the morning?”

“I need to talk to you,” Ashlyn said. “Something happened to my Mum. Come.” Ali's eyes widened and she grabbed her room card before running with Ashlyn back to the goalkeeper's bedroom.

They sat with Kelley, who was making coffee for them, and drank it as Ashlyn told them in detail what the call had been about and what the plan was. In the end, Ali was understandably shocked.

“I'm going with you,” she said wide awake.

“No, you talk with April.”

“Kelley can do that, or we can call her in a couple hours when she's awake.”

“Ali,” Ashlyn took her hands.

“She's my family too!”

“I know. And I know you're worried and you want to help, but Ali, we have a contract here. It's bad enough for me to vanish in the middle of the night, but you need to stay. The USWNT can call up a goalkeeper tomorrow, but if they have to replace us both, this could get messy, and we need to put the team first, okay? We need to be professional.”

“Family goes first.”

“But not at the cost of the whole team who has supported us through thick and thin. Alex, what do we win if you come over? I'll miss you, yes, but if you come, you can't do anything for Mum, there are enough people in Florida to care for her, so you'll come just to make me feel better while the USWNT is left without two big players, with a game in no time, little time to change whole strategy... I'd feel so guilty if the team sinks without you. I need you here, okay?”

“But I'll be here for weeks, what if she...?”

“Let's do something,” Ashlyn cut her. “I go now, and I call you the whole time. If Mum gets worse, you talk with April calmly, explain her the situation, and request permission to fly over. Let's do things properly, okay?”

Ali didn't like leaving her alone to do this, but she knew she was right. They had a compromise with the team, and Tammye wasn't dead, after all. Her eyes were pained and she squeezed Ashlyn in her arms.

“Call me all the time.” Ali said tearfully, kissing the top of her head. “And stay strong, Liebe. It's gonna be all right.”

  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any interest in the remaining chapters of this story or should I not update more?


	25. Death may be better

**Chapter 25: Death may be better.**

16h later, Ashlyn arrived to the hospital where her Mum was. She had slept at times in the plane and during the layover stopover, but didn't rest much. When she arrived to the hospital, it was noon time of the following day in Satellite Beach, while it was six in the afternoon in Alicante, Spain. That meant Ashlyn had attended many phone-calls during her flight and chatted with April Heindrichs, explained her the whole situation and had all the understatement and support from her coach, who insisted she did the right thing and they'll stay in touch to keep checking on Tammye.

By the time Ashlyn could see her mother, she had fallen into coma and the doctors had no idea how she'd turn-out. She was on breathing support and although her brain worked, they weren't sure how well it did so, and she was not responding to external stimuli. Ashlyn gave her wife the news in a text, and they face-timed for a while.

“You're not going home until late, right?” Ali asked her with a concerned expression.

“Yeah, I'll stick around in the hospital. Dad insisted I slept home tonight because I look like shit, and he'll stay in the uncomfortable armchair. I'll be back as soon as visiting time starts, at nine.”

“Okay, well if you get up at seven or eight, we'll have just had lunch and will have some hours free, we can Skype or something, if you want. Before you leave.”

“That'd be great,” Ashlyn nodded. “I love you Alex.”

“I love you too. I'm so sorry this is happening.”

The truth was, Ashlyn felt her mother was going to die. During the breaks the nurses would force them to have in order to do tests on Tammye and care for her, she went to the beach or for lunch, choosing to surf during the longest break, the lunch one. She felt sad and sports always comforted her. Once home, she fell asleep instantly, and ended-up waking-up a bit sooner than expected, so she showered, got dressed and had breakfast before Ali texted she was ready. She sat with her laptop in her childhood home's living room, alone and made the Skype call. To her surprise, not only did Ali appear on screen, but also Sydney, Crystal, Alex, Megan, Tobin, Kelley and Christen. They were sitting together on pillows on the floor, forming two rows, Ali at the centre.

“Hi!” the eight grinned, waving hands.

“Guys!” Ashlyn smiled tiredly, happy to see them all. “How's it going over sunny Alicante?”

“Hot,” Megan, used to Seattle, did a gesture of asphyxiation. “We miss you! How's it going?”

“Yeah Ash, is she no better?” Tobin asked with a frown.

“She's not responding to pinching, talking, shaking...” Ashlyn sighed. “She's like a breathing cadaver at the moment. Doctor said they'll give her time, see if when her lung recovers her brain works better but... there's going to be a big deal of brain damage. Her whole brain is very swollen, she hit one side when she fell and the fan crashed against the other and did a small skull fracture, but the doctor said that if she makes it, she won't be the same. And it's not just coordination or amnesia is... is being completely unable to live on her own, having speech difficulties, not remembering us... it's a disaster. Grandma is heartbroken.”

“How are you, babe?” Ali asked looking immensely sad.

“I don't even know,” Ashlyn admitted. “I'm bloody exhausted with the time change and the long trip, so this whole thing feels like a very ridiculous nightmare. And I feel so stupid, because it was obvious she was at risk of suicide, shit, I've got studies in sociology and society, and then TWLOHA, I know what the odds were, and when my Dad announced he had to go back home for work and all... I should've seen the risk of leaving her alone. My family here saw, they organized daily visits, but that's not enough. And now she's going to die too, right under my nose. I'm so furious.”

“You had a concussion Ash, we had enough on our plate and couldn't pay attention to everything,” Ali told her softly. “Don't feel guilty, there was nothing we could do.”

“And even if there was, there's no use of torturing yourself with a past you cannot change,” Christen added.

“What happens now, Ash?” Sydney asked. “Do you... decide how long...?”

“No,” Ashlyn explained, sounding drained. “She'd live if they disconnected the machines, she'd just start being in intense pain and struggle with herself until eventually she died out of her injuries, but she's not brain-dead. We're going to wait until her lung recovers, then, the doctors will use medication to try to wake her up and check in which state her brain is. In Florida is not legal to disconnect her if there comes a point when only machines keep her alive, so either she makes it through and gets discharged, which is highly unlikely, dies, or has to be kept alive with machines for God knows how long. At this point I'm just praying she dies, to be honest.”

“Ashlyn!” Ali was scandalized.

“Alex, is true,” the goalkeeper dead-panned, looking immensely sad. “Why live, uh? Her son will still be dead, she will still be in high risk of depression and suicide, and if her quality of life is as bad as the doctors foresee, then she's much better off dead. She'll want to die, and euthanasia is illegal, so she'll beg us to kill her and then there'll be nothing for us to do. Besides, it's as if she was dead already, she's never going to be who she was.”

“Don't be so pessimistic, miracles do happen,” Crystal tried to console her. Ashlyn wanted to believe her, but she saw it very unlikely.

“What a shit year,” Megan looked sadly at her friend. “Is there anything we can do for you and your family, Ash?”

“Win some games,” the goalkeeper puffed, “at least I won't feel that guilty for leaving.”

“I really think I should head over. April already suggested it,” Ali murmured, feeling terrible seeing Ashlyn suffering.

“I'd rather you're there, playing, winning.”

“But I should be supporting—,”

“You are, Alex. Look, I don't want you here surrounded by sadness and worry and feeling powerless because you can't help much here, while there, you can help the team prepare for the Olympics. I told my family you want to come and I'm not letting you.”

“It's not right for you to be miserable while your wife is playing footy,” Ali argued gently, not really mad.

“Alex, having you here suffering like I'm suffering would only make me more miserable. Seeing you happy out in the field, that's what cheers me up. You guys focus on the team, okay? Bring it nothing but your best, as always, and I'll hold the fort in Florida.”

Seeing her mother in such miserable state was stomach-wrecking. She was connected to a bunch of machines, with a thick bandage around her head and a pale face. That was a woman, Ashlyn reminded herself, who did not want to be alive anymore. Someone who was tired, who had had enough, who had said goodbye enough to enough people, and no longer had the interest of being alive.

“I've just given-up,” Ashlyn told Jamie one day after they had watched the US vs Spain's game in the TV and were hanging out on the beach at noon, barefoot. Even though the US had won -and when Alex Morgan had put a goal in she had pulled a small note from her sock that said 'We <3 you TH!', which the commentators hadn't understood- she just felt sadder every day with the powerless feeling that there was nothing she could do, because if she lived, Tammye Harris would be deeply unhappy and living a life in poor conditions, which would only make her want to die harder, and if she died, then she lost her mother and brother in the space of four months. “I'm tired. Whatever has to happen, then happen, and if she kills herself then so she does.”

“Hey, Ash...” Jamie put an arm around her friend, seeing her eyes glassy.

“I'm just sick of seeing my family suffer so much! We're good people! Why?” Jamie sighed and just hugged her tightly.

“There isn't an explanation for everything, hun,” Jamie said rubbing her back up and down. “Look, maybe when she wakes up and she sees how much her family needs her, she'll realize she has to make an effort and live and recover.”

“I don't want to force my mother to live an unhappy life either, Jamie...”

“Maybe it won't be. Maybe she needs to see life can be happy.”

As Tammye's state didn't change one bit, the family made the visits shorter, because life went on, they were all busy, and it was worthless to sit there on a chair looking at a woman that even if she was more prepared to wake up, wouldn't due to the heavy medication. Besides, without them there, they were hindering the doctors' work. As the USWNT travelled to Belgium, Ashlyn was feeling a bigger need to be on her own, where people wouldn't try to console her for things that had no consolation, and she wouldn't have to see their frustration when they realized there was nothing they could do.

So she went surfing, and ended up just lying face-up on her surfboard, feeling extremely sad. She suddenly missed Chris so badly, and she was angry at her family for not being capable of holding themselves up. She swam back to the shore with her surfboard and put it under her armpit, walking with the head bowed low, and didn't see who waited for her.

“There you are,” Ashlyn looked up and was surprised to see her mother-in-law Debbie Christopher, with her shinning, short white hair, holding up her towel for her while smiling beautifully like her daughter.

“Debbie,” Ashlyn blurted out in surprise, and let her in-law wrap the towel around her and hug her, pressing a kiss to her wet cheek. “What are you...? How...?”

“Alex told me what was going on, and I decided to come around. I was in the hospital with your parents, and your cousin told me you'd be here. Have you had any lunch yet?”

“I'm not hungry,” Ashlyn murmured, slumping her shoulders. “You shouldn't have bothered...”

“Since when it's checking on my family a bother? Come on, you need to eat something, and I've brought your favourite baguette sandwiches!”

They sat on the sand and Debbie opened her brown backpack and forced her to eat a big sandwich she had made for her. Touched, Ashlyn ate it, trying to gulp the knot in her throat on the process. Debbie had also brought her a bottle of Gatorade, and when Ashlyn insisted on paying it, she refused.

“What do you want to do?” Debbie asked her as they sat. Ashlyn was thoughtful for a moment.

“I really want to play soccer, but I can't. The girls are in Belgium, and I can't go back to Orlando either. The coach there already knows what's going on.”

“Am I a PE teacher, or not?” Debbie inquired amused. “Come on, let's get your cleats!”

Since Ashlyn had brought back to Satellite her bags from Portugal, all her soccer stuff was in town. Debbie got her sports clothes on, Ashlyn changed into some training clothes and put on her cleats and gloves, they grabbed a ball and went to Ashlyn's favourite soccer field in Satellite Beach. Debbie was certainly not out of shape and had certainly birthed a World Champion, for her passes were accurate and sharp, and when she tried to score on Ashlyn, she even managed it a couple times.

“Glad to see you smile!” Debbie said after they had been playing for a while and Ashlyn had done an impressive save and smiled, content with herself.

“Glad to see you've got your daughter's skills!” Ashlyn threw the ball back and Debbie laughed, going for another shot.

After a few shots, Ashlyn fell to the ground with the ball, grabbing it in the air, and suddenly, she was sitting on the grass, crying her eyes out. She removed her gloves and hugged her knees, pressing her face against them, and Debbie jogged to her, sitting by her side and wrapping her arms around her. Ashlyn leaned against her and moved to hug her and cry against her shoulder. And as Debbie motherly hugged her tightly and tried to comfort her, she had a sudden flashback to when her ex-husband had left the household decades before, and little Ali had cried with similar raw pain into her arms. In many ways, the goalkeeper was like that. She had been forced to grow-up so much faster than others, and still had childish moments in her thirties, breaking into dance parties or fooling around, but this was the pain of someone who was truly sick and done with over thirty years of seeing her family struggle and seeing them crumble without being able to do anything, just feeling the anger and frustration that came with powerlessness.

“Why can't my family be like yours, Deb?” Ashlyn sobbed, rubbing her face and looking at Debbie with a reddened face full of pain she had never seen on her. “Why can't my brother be a successful independent guy who fights to be healthy for himself and his family, like Kyle? Why can't my mother be a strong woman with a good job and the ability to stay strong for her family like you? We just keep... crumbling. We're so pathetic. And you know what? I still expect them to go back to drugs because the world gets hard. I expect to go home and see my father drunk, or to go and buy myself some Adderall or something and get bloody drunk and high, because I really want to get away from all this pain, and I wish... I wish they weren't my family, or that they'd all kill each other already so I didn't have to live with this anxiety and worry constantly! How horrible is that? How can I wish such terrible things upon them?”

“Because you want to move on, because you understandably can't handle so much pain anymore,” Debbie said softly, wrapping her arms around her again. The goalkeeper trembled and heaved between her arms, and Debbie hoped she could protect her better, like she had done with her own children. She was scared now that Ashlyn was right, that the family had suffered so much, and had such a poor emotional education thanks to their own shitty upbringings, that they'd only know to go back to alcohol and drugs, and keep hurting each other.

So when Ashlyn went to bed after a warm homemade soup and some tucking, like she had been tucked into bed in her childhood, Debbie sat near her bed to make sure she was resting all right, and when she heard the front door open and Mike come in, she went to talk to him.

“Hi Debbie!” Mike smiled warmly at her. “I'll prepare the guest room for you, did you find Ash?” they were at Mike's house now, because Debbie's still had a fan thrown on one of the beds. At Mike's, Ashlyn had a room as well, but there was also a guest room available.

“Hi Mike, yes, she's sleeping already. I made some soup if you want?” Debbie offered.

“You're such an angel, I'll do that, thank you,” they walked to the kitchen and she warmed it up for him and sat with him as he ate. “I'm glad you feel like home here to cook if you're hungry, because I can't split myself much more. Tammye's condition is just so bad, I'm thinking I may tell the boss to give me some more days, I want to look after Ashlyn better. Having you come for her, that's very sweet. I really appreciate it.”

“I just want to help the best I can. I do consider her another daughter, you know...” Debbie commented. “So there's no improvement?” she asked, putting her hands on the table and staring at the man, who looked aged just from the stress.

“None. The neurosurgeon told me today that the tests and scans make it look like her speech and coordination are screwed-up, he said she may even need a wheelchair if her balance is also ruined, not to mention the important damage in the areas of personality and memory, which lead for the doctors to think that she really won't be herself anymore, perhaps not even remember us. They're suggesting if she recovers, maybe we should just put her in an elderly home, where she can be watched at all times and make new friends. Her mother, poor thing is a widow, and she's absolutely heartbroken and shattered, which also worries us, so Tammye's brother is full of anxiety. First he loses his Dad just a few years back, then my boy, now Tammye's like this... we don't get a break.”

“I'm so sorry, Mike. We're here if you need anyone on my side of the family, Kyle will be happy to come as well, and Ken, and help out with anything you need.”

“Right now, if you could just make sure my baby's holding up,” Mike sighed, shaking his head. “I know she must be hurting so much, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to take care of her mother and see if that helps, get her out of the hospital so she's surfing or doing anything she likes, making sure we're both clean and sober, worrying she's getting high when I'm not looking, but... I don't know what else to do.”

“Mike, actually, I think you need to get your family together and have a bit of a chat, okay? Encourage them to talk, say how they feel, insist no one turns to addiction again, make sure everyone knows they're supported and loved and they can count on one another, and I think you should do the same with your daughter. I think she's feeling quite alone in the family, quite abandoned, and quite tired.”

“Abandoned?”

“In the sense of, she can't count on any of you because the ways he's sensing it, it doesn't seem like any of you can take care of yourselves without crumbling. She's not like, accusatory or anything, and I'm sure she understands sometimes people just crumble, she does it too, it's normal, but I think her entire life she's only seen everyone in her family just collapsing time after time and she's had to push herself forward because if the others could hardly keep themselves standing, let alone could they help her. And now, she really needs to know her family has changed and can stay on top of the world no matter what, and she can count on them, because otherwise she's going to continue to put the weight of her whole family on her shoulders, because right now, if she could, if she wasn't so responsible, I'm sure she'd go hide in an unknown island to keep herself away from everything that depresses her. And this is costing her job, Mike. She cannot perform with so much family trouble, she cannot keep leaving everything and she shouldn't have to because you all should be able to seek professional help if you have to and make an effort to stay up. It's April, and she's barely played either with her club or National, and it'll be a matter of time before her personal issues start giving her a lot of anxiety and stress about her job.”

After dinner and once Debbie was comfortable in her room, Mike entered his daughter's room and observed her sleeping for a while. She was frowning in her sleep, so he sat on the verge of the bed and caressed her face until it relaxed. In that moment, he wished more than anything, that he could push all the problems away.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want more chaps?


	26. Time to be a team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You owe nethog a beer for this chapter :)

**Chapter 26: Time to be a team.**

One of those days Ashlyn was invested in the hospital and Debbie was making her company, Mike took advantage and reunited the Habovicks at his house for what he called an emergency family reunion. His ex mother-in-law, Tammye's brother James, his wife Debbie, and their three children with their wives, sat on the sofa.

“All right you guys,” Mike started. “The reason I've called you all is because I think it is time for us to acknowledge that we cannot do this alone, that people do need people, and that even though we managed to get out of drugs or alcohol those who did it, and support each other for years despite my divorce, that is not enough. James, Debbie, I think we in particular need to step up our game. When we crumbled we let our children crumble. My two children, Cassidy and Corey turned to drugs, and Kyle here to alcohol, and now I can see we're crumbling again, and we're worrying them again. I see my daughter on the verge of a stroke from all this stress, and we've already lost Chris and I... I'm dying here. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. So I've contacted a psychotherapist and I've had a couple sessions and I'm going to keep it up, and I'm going to tell Ashlyn I'm doing it because I think that will really relieve her, but I think I'm not the only one feeling on the edge here and I just want to encourage you to seek help, before we hurt our family any more.”

The family exchanged serious looks as they thought about it.

“Uncle Mike's right. I'm been craving drugs like crazy since Chris passed, I already have one therapist so... I think I'm going to give her a call and see her.” Cassidy said, determination written on her face.

“Good girl,” her brother Kyle put an arm around her, proud. “Well I feel good, but I want to tell you all I'm here for you, both my wife Lauren and I.”

“Yeah, anything you need,” Lauren smiled at her family. “We can with this, we've got each other.”

“I think we're good, right? I mean, for the circumstances,” Corey looked at his wife Brittany for confirmation, and she nodded.

“We do have two kids to focus on, and I think that helps,” added Brittany. “Maybe we could get Ashlyn to spend more time with them now that she's here. That always helps her.”

“Right,” Corey nodded. “And I'll try to convince her to seek professional help as well, 'cause that's a good idea. Dad, don't you think you should see someone as well? You look very stressed lately, I don't want you to get worse.”

It was refreshing to see the family openly starting to talk to each other about how they were feeling without judgement, telling each other to seek help, or going and giving someone a hug and a few words of support. After a couple hours, Ashlyn's grandma, father, uncle and youngest cousin had all made a firm decision to seek professional help, and Corey, Kyle, their wives and their mother were determined to stand strong for their family, and now that we knew who was struggling, they jumped to offer the others hugs and words of advice and comfort, insisting especially on grandma.

The group then divided as some went straight to see their professionals, the Grandmother insisting Mike would take her to the person he was seeing to see if she could help her too, and others went to take care of children and other duties. Corey made his way to the hospital and found his cousin, Debbie Christopher and Kyle Krieger sitting in Tammye's room. He hugged everyone and then sat close to his cousin, who looked quite depressed and pale.

“I've got good news for you,” Corey told his cousin.

“That's a novelty,” Ashlyn murmured with a sad smile.

“You're going back to Orlando,” said Corey. “The family sat and talked about the situation and we decided you need to get back to your lovely dog, to your club team, to your psychotherapist, to your friends there, and keep your head above water, because you've got a history and the longer you're here the worst it'll be for your own mental health, because you're not ready to stand this shit when your brother just died.”

“Yeah, and you all decided I should head to Orlando?” Ashlyn snorted a laugh. “Is this some plot so the moment I turn around you host a drug party?” she added sarcastically.

“No, we'll be fine. We'll take care of each other.”

“Sure. Because that worked so well for three months, that's why my mother is in this situation,” she said angrily. Corey understood she had nothing against him, and it was just her stress talking, so he didn't get mad.

“Another thing we talked about was about ourselves and our feelings.”

“You're not serious. A Harris or a Habovick talking... feelings?” that really surprised her.

“Well yes. And we decided Grandma, both of our Dads and Cassidy are going to get professional help. Your Dad already had two sessions with a psychotherapist in Melbourne, they all made the decision for themselves and have our full support. We all talked about how each of us felt and what each of us could do, it was very nice and refreshing really... and this time, we're ready. This time, we can really hold the fort. And we also discussed what we could do with Tammye, and we think if you're on board, once she's better we should put her in one of those great places where they care for people so heavily brain damaged. We already saw one institution in Cocoa where they take them to the beach, do activities, keep them active and healthy and give them therapists and all, it's the one the doctor recommended.”

Ashlyn stared at him in disbelief. Even though in the last few years her family had really stepped-up, gotten involved with TWLOHA, and really made an effort to be better and get more along, this was still heavily unexpected.

“For real? We're finally going to accept professional help and look after each other?” she asked, amazed.

“Of course. We're ready to do whatever it takes. It's time already,” Corey smiled, squeezing her hand. “And you go to Orlando. It's better for your head there, and we'll call you if your mother's state changes at all.” Ashlyn sighed in relief, but shook her head.

“I can't go. If you're looking after one another, that's all I need, I'll be fine, but I can't just abandon all of you with my mother like this...”

“Look, you have to. For us, we have houses here. We have a healthy life balance, going to work, then being with each other, keeping our lives as normal as possible and doing what's best for our mental health. For you, it's different. This was your place to go back to and relax and recover for years, but now it's not. Now, it's a place full of memories of your dead brother, a place full of sadness and stress, and with your mother like this, and you're still battling depression and addiction, which you can't do in this environment. You need your own house, your dog, your therapy, your team, your job... you need to keep your life athletic, active, and as normal as possible because if you don't have all those things you have in Orlando and we have here, all you have left is your dead brother, your coma mother, and all the sadness, the stress and the anguish, and you're still in no state to handle that. Maybe in a few months, when these things are more behind, Satellite can be the place to recharge batteries and recover once again... but right now, you need to admit it cannot be, and that someone with depression fights forever, just like addicts, and you need to put yourself first, for once, so you can look after us as well. We love you, and we need you, and we want you to be where you really have a shoot at recovery, because here, you'll wind-up like them.” And he pointed to Tammye.

Ashlyn stared intently at him. She knew he was right, and that even though her first instinct was to give it all for her family, she was in no position to do so. Just like they had to admit they needed help, she had to admit that as much as she wanted to stay in the battlefield, she was too badly injured, too vulnerable, to be any help, and she was only worrying them. Depression was an illness and here, she had every chance to get worse and worse and end like Chris, and she hadn't realized that made her family anxious. But before she could answer, her phone rang.

“I've got to take this, it's April. Sorry.”

Ashlyn rushed to the corridor and attended the call. When she re-entered the room a few minutes later, she looked frozen.

“It's Ali okay?” Kyle asked, worried.

“She is. It's uh... apparently Alyssa Naeher hurt herself during the game against Spain. She started saying her leg felt funny, and yesterday in training it got worse and she was on the grass, crying. Apparently it's an ACL, she's flying back to the US as we speak, to get to the hospital and have surgery.”

“Shit,” Debbie frowned, worried. “Oh, poor thing.”

“I know, it sucks... but now they don't have goalkeepers. Adrianna can do, but she can't do it alone, she doesn't have enough experience and if she gets hurt there's no one else, and save for me, there are no more goalkeepers in the US available and with enough experience in the National Team. They need me.”

“Then go, go do your thing,” Corey stood up and smiled in support.

“But...” Ashlyn looked at her mother, dubious, and Corey grabbed her from the shoulders.

“What did I just say? Ash, we're two teams here, family team and soccer team, and right now they need you. Right now, you have to fly there, and do it fast, because it's a long flight and the game against Belgium is right around the corner. Your team here will hold the fort and care for her and one another.”

“I can't ask that of you, Corey. I can't be so selfish.”

“Sometimes putting yourself first is good. Look, everyone in the family has agreed you've always put us first and ended-up screwing yourself up. Now, you have to put yourself first, and that's okay. You cannot sink, Ash. Not for us, and not for no one. Go.”

  
  



	27. In Belgian lands

**Chapter 27: In Belgian lands.**

Fourteen hours later, Ashlyn had landed in Brussels, gotten a taxi, and appeared at the team hotel in the stunning city of Ghent, not too far from the capital. It was lunch time in Ghent, and although she was exhausted, she was also starved.

“Hallo,” she ran to the front desk, pulling her suitcase and bags. “I'm Ashlyn Harris, Goalkeeper for the US Women's National Soccer Team. I believe my team's waiting for me?”

“Oh, yes,” those Belgians spoke English -and German, French and other languages- as if they had been born in many countries at once, perfectly fluent. “We prepared you a bedroom, here. The team's having lunch in room 003.” She gave her the room card.

“Thank you, good day!” Ashlyn ran with her things to the lift and found her room, quickly discovering she was sharing with Rapinoe, judging by her things scattered over one side. Ashlyn smiled leaving her suitcases, and ran downstairs again to meet the rest of the team.

The moment she had given two steps into a room full of small round tables where the whole team was eating, Ali came from God knows where, and crashed against her, hugging her tightly.

“I missed you!” Ali kissed her cheek, squeezing her.

“I missed you too, Alibean,” Ashlyn grinned, hugging her back.

“How's your Mum?”

“The same,” they separated and Ashlyn gave her a quick peck on the lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Ali caressed her face lovingly, but separated, as the whole team had gathered around to hug her, ask about Tammye and welcome her.

A couple hours later, part of the seam sat on the carpeted floor of Ashlyn and Rapinoe's bedroom, on pillows, talking about the game against Spain, Alyssa's injury, and Belgium. Ashlyn had already spoken with the coaches, hit the gym for forty-five minutes, showered and changed into clean clothes, and listened to her team-mates with a tired expression, but full of adrenaline. Ali sat next to her and they held hands over Ashlyn's lap. Around them sat Rapinoe, Becky, Christen, Alex, Tobin, Sydney, Crystal, Julie, Kelley and Allie.

“Poor thing was screaming so much, we had to take her straight to the hospital,” Allie was saying about Alyssa's injury. Ashlyn, who had suffered two ACLs, knew the pain too well.

“I called her on the way here,” Ashlyn commented. “She's going to get things taken care of at home, she'll miss the Olympics, but she'll be back stronger next year. I made sure to tell her we love her.”

“All we can do now is do our best to win these games and go home,” said Becky Sauerbrunn, sitting with her long blonde hair up in a ponytail.

“Does make me wonder though,” Kelley said, her dark eyes fixed on her teammates, “are we ready for the Olympics? Because no offence Ash, but we can't win the Olympics just with you and Adri, and if your mother dies we won't even have you. Of course family goes first and foremost and no one argues that, but we do have a bit of a problem in the team.”

“Listen, no matter what happens with my Mum, I'll be here,” Ashlyn assured, pressing the tip of her index finger on the floor. “It doesn't matter if we don't have Alyssa, we'll be ready and we'll win, because with our without her, we're the best team there is.”

“You'd seriously stay?” Kelley asked her, surprised.

“Of course,” Ashlyn shrugged. For her, it was matter-of-fact. “For all we know, my mother could've just taken her last breath, and I'm here, right? Thing is, at the end of the day, we can only act upon what we can control. I can't control what happens to her, but I can be here and make sure that at least my professional career doesn't sink, and neither does yours.”

“Then we'll have no problem,” said Tobin full of confidence. “Although no one wants you to have to stick with us if your Mum gets worse.”

“Yeah, that _is_ worrying,” Alex Morgan agreed, nodding. “Is there nothing the doctors can do for her anymore?”

“No,” Ashlyn answered. “There is confirmed damage to the areas that control speech, personality, moods, logic, writing, or voluntary movement, so my Mum as I knew her is gone for sure. If she makes it, the family has agreed on putting her in an institution where they can take care of her, and we'll likely sell my childhood house. But that's okay. She's likely to not remember anything before the injury, so she won't miss what she doesn't remember.”

“Oh my God,” Ali looked at her with immense sadness. “Are the doctors sure about this already? She's... gone?” Ashlyn gulped and nodded.

“It will be a miracle if she even knows her name,” Ashlyn confirmed. “Not to mention the even bigger miracle of living. The fan crushed her head, it was a very heavy one, and it fell pulled by her own heavy weight.”

“Shit...” Christen shook her head. “I'm so sorry Ash. You and your family deserve so much better, you just married, this was supposed to be an incredible year.”

“It will still be an incredible year,” Ashlyn smiled at them, confident. “Look, people live and people die. This is the year Chris dies and maybe even my Mum, but never before have I felt such a big part of this family. Seeing all of you and how incredible you've been, I haven't felt alone and I know that having all of you I have to consider myself a very lucky bastard. This will be the year we become a better team and recover from what Jill did to us, this will be the year we win the Olympics and compensate the Rio disaster, and when it's all said and done, this will be the year my snazzy wife will retire from the National Team and we'll start the process so hopefully next year can be the year we become mothers ourselves. That will bring the family the happy news we've been needing, and we'll all be just fine,” the goalkeeper put an arm around her wife and they exchanged a sweet smile. “I know that no matter how hard my family falls this year, we'll come back stronger, because that's what we're about,” she said firmly, looking at the others. “We always pull through, and we'll do it again. No matter what.”

**[PG +18 warning]**

The next day, while most of the girls went out to do some shopping and tourism before they had to train all afternoon, Ali discreetly walked to Ashlyn's room, knowing she'd be asleep, while she had just seen Rapinoe go out with her friends. The goalkeeper had to recover from the time change and travelling hours, and her wife thought that it was time to get a bit naughty with the rules, because the circumstances required it, so she knocked on her door with insistence.

“Ash, it's me!” the door opened and Ashlyn appeared, surprisingly only wearing her underwear.

“Hey, I just woke up, I was going to shower. Aren't you going with the girls?”

“No,” Ali gently pushed her inside and, turning to make sure no one saw, walked into the room, closing the door after her. The doors automatically locked and could only be opened or from inside, or from outside with the room card, so Ali knew it was safe and she jumped to Ashlyn's arms, kissing her intensely. Ashlyn moaned into the kiss, kissing her back.

The defender pushed her onto the bed and fell on top of her, still kissing, while her hands sneaked under her sports bra, rubbing her hardening nipples and hearing her moan harder.

“Alex, what are you doing? If we get caught...”

“Then you better be quiet,” Ali bit her neck, soothing with her tongue, one of her hands travelling to slide under her boxers and squeeze one of her ass cheeks. Ashlyn closed her eyes and attended her wife's breasts with her hands while her mouth moved looking for Ali's skin.

“This is so wrong,” Ashlyn whispered against her skin, biting her lip as Ali's finger found her centre.

“Are you complaining?” Ali smiled, kissing her again as she found her utterly wet and her finger slid inside easily.

“No, but we should head into the shower, and you need to get naked,” Ashlyn smiled against her lips. “Come on Princess, that will muffle the noise.”

Once in the shower, they didn't waste their time, and soon, they were snuggled in the bathtub, the shower dripping water on them as they enjoyed the post-orgasm bliss, entangled in each other.

“I didn't know you for being a rule-breaker,” Ashlyn smiled, kissing her neck.

“My marriage goes before any rule, and we so needed this,” Ali buried her hands in her short wet hair, pressing their chests together. “You're so beautiful, yet so sad.”

“This certainly helped...”

“I love you, uh?” Ali cupped her face, staring deep into her eyes. “And we're going to get through this. Together.”

“Together. That sounds nice...”

**[End of PG +18]**

An hour later, they had gotten dressed and ready, and went out on a walk, hands intertwined and rings in their place. Ghent was rainy, full of water streams and channels, and had big, black cathedral and churches. It was a gorgeous city, and they wasted no time walking through its most hidden areas. At a garden, they sat on the bench, Ali on Ashlyn's lap, and they hugged and made out where no one could see them. They were just crazy about each other, even after all those years together.

“You seem to be in a better mood,” Ali commented, smiling at her as she pulled her hair out of her face and caressed her cheek.

“I am,” Ashlyn smiled back, her arms around her hips. “Corey had a chat with me before I left. Actually, April's phone-call interrupted it, but what he was saying was... well, the family had had a chat after realizing this whole thing was affecting me too much, I have a feeling your Mum had something to do with it, to be honest, and they came to the conclusion that I shouldn't stay in Satellite, no matter how much I want to.”

“Are they mad or something?”

“No, no, the opposite. I think they realized something I didn't see myself, you know? That this wasn't healthy me putting work aside and coming for my family like most of them are doing. This was recovered addict me, battling depression of a couple decades, being in a place and a situation that could only break me eventually. Like... like having someone asthmatic help you dust the house. They saw that as much as I want to help, I couldn't in this situation, because I could end-up like Chris, and I hadn't noticed they actually worried I'd end-up like that. So my family wanted for me to head back to Orlando, so I was close to Mum but at the same time in my house, with Logan, surrounded by a healthy environment of recovering and with a job they knew helps me disconnect and feel better. They saw that for them is absolutely necessary to be able to have their home, their friends and their jobs in order to relax, feel better, not think about Mum for a bit... and when they saw I didn't have those things in Satellite, they knew I had to have it, or else I had better chances of sinking, with my record, than them. Corey even drove me to the airport to come here, he wasn't taking a no for an answer.”

“That's very sweet of them, very considerate, and very smart. They weren't wrong. As much as you want to, you can't be a good goalkeeper if you've got a broken leg, and you can't be any help there if there's a major risk of your depression worsening. Mental health is no joke, and it should be taken as seriously as physical health.”

“Yeah, I was just not seeing it... And you know what helped a lot, though? They are going to professionals now, so I don't feel like if I'm not looking they'll get bad. My Dad, my Grandma, Uncle James, Cassidy... they all decided to ask for professional help, therapy or something, and they're talking their problems with the others, in order to get the support they need from healthy people and be okay.”

Ali grinned big, feeling so happy that they would decide to do that. She knew therapy could only be helpful, and they would feel much better and live happier with it, so Ashlyn didn't have to be constantly worried and anxious about them, and could relax, come and do her job.

“That's such a big step, and such a positive one!”

“I know, right? I owe your Mum a big one. I sort of... broke in front of her, right before my family decided this, which is why I'm pretty sure she had something to do with it. I think she helped them realize their own refusal to accept external help was a reason for me to get worse.” Ali got serious and nodded.

“She told me what happened,” the defender admitted. “I didn't have suggestions to make, but I'm glad she intervened, if she did. You're one daughter more to her, you know it, do you?” the younger woman nodded.

“You know what helps me sleep at night?” Ashlyn said after a moment of thought. Ali raised her eyebrows and they locked eyes, intently. “Just knowing no matter what, one day you and I will be having our own, happy family. Knowing we won't make our parents' mistakes, that we'll remember the best they taught us and become good, supportive women, that we will raise strong, loving, gentle souls, and that despite the mistakes we'll make and problems we'll have, we will manage to pull through, our children will have even happier childhoods than us, and will become adults who make this world much better. Every time I go to bed I just try to think of that, keep my eyes on the big award in the end, you know? I'm not saying it'll be easy, and God, I hope with all my heart nothing happens to you, me, or our kids to bring more tragedy into our lives, but I truly do think that in the end, there's a high chance we have everything we ever dreamed of. And that's worth fighting and suffering for.”

Her words reached Ali deep inside and she felt herself fall in love even deeper, cupping her face between her hands and kissing her forehead.

“We'll get there,” Ali said, determined. “I promise you.” And she knew in her heart she'd do absolutely everything in her power to get them that dreamy future Ashlyn imagined and wished for every night.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I hope you're having some lovely holidays, a very Merry Christmas, and that 2020 is everything you wish it to be. I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for your continued support and ask you to please continue to leave comments, even if you don't know what to say or you think you're being silly. I don't bite, and I love to make friends... heck, once I even dated a reader LOL hahaha.
> 
> Much love!
> 
>  
> 
> PD: CAN YOU BELIEVE KRASHLYN ARE MARRIED???!!


	28. Show 'hem what you're made of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I hope you're having some lovely holidays, a very Merry Christmas, and that 2020 is everything you wish it to be. I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for your continued support and ask you to please continue to leave comments, even if you don't know what to say or you think you're being silly. I don't bite, and I love to make friends... heck, once I even dated a reader LOL hahaha.
> 
> Much love!
> 
>  
> 
> PD: CAN YOU BELIEVE KRASHLYN ARE MARRIED???!!

**Chapter 28: Show 'hem what you're made of.**

**[A/N: Inspired by the BSB song of the same name.]**

When game day came, Adrianna played the first half, and Ashlyn played the second, during which one ball got past her and into the net, making the score 2-1. It was a loss no one was happy with, but Ashlyn had barely had time to train, and when Sweden's turn came, she had been training for days and was more than ready. She played 90 minutes and gave the US a clean sheet victory, 3-0. By the time they were in London and about to face England, they had been away from home for a total of ten days, and although they were tired and couldn't wait to go home, they still gave it their best, and it was a 1-0 victory.

“Ashlyn Clean-sheet Harris!” Rapinoe cheered for her as they celebrated the good result going out that night to a British pub and getting some alcohol in their veins. The team had lifted Ashlyn on their shoulders after the game, and she was feeling very celebrated, although they also celebrated Rapinoe for having scored.

“I couldn't have done it if we didn't have the best team in the world,” Ashlyn declared, lifting her glass and toasting for the team. “You girls are absolute sharks!” her phone rang suddenly and she stopped herself, pulling it from the pocket and seeing her father's dimply smile on screen. “One sec you guys.”

Ashlyn rushed outside the pub to a back patio and accepted the call.

“First of all, congratulations on that clean-sheet love, we're so proud!” Mike started the conversation. Ashlyn smiled, shaking her head.

“Thanks Dad. Now tell me, any updates?”

“Yes, actually. She woke-up.”

“Did she?” her heart skipped a beat in excitement. “How is she?”

“Well, the doctors are doing some tests as we speak, but she seemed to know who we were, had trouble mustering words though, could only make little noises... She couldn't use her hands well either, she couldn't squeeze my hand and she couldn't hold a pen the doctor gave her, and she looked lost, like she didn't remember much or knew what was going on. The doctors will keep her sedated for the pain and so she's calm and doesn't get altered.”

“Dad, that's so good! I expected worse,” Ashlyn smiled to herself. “How is her lung?”

“Her ribs healed-up, and she's breathing well now, only needs minimal assistance. The surgeon said it's pretty much healed, but they'll keep observing it and giving her breathing support for a few days to make sure she doesn't make big efforts and recovers completely. The biggest worry remains her brain.”

“One mountain at a time, Dad. How are you doing? How's therapy?”

“Pretty good, actually. I go every day, and she's a really good listener, she's been giving me helpful tips, she's been helpful even with work, I'm very grateful. How's London?”

“Beautiful as always,” Ashlyn answered, suddenly wishing she could be there with him. “I miss you, Dad. And Mum, and... Chris.”

“Me too, honey. Are you seeing the sports psychologist baby?”

“Yeah, but still. I want to go home, and still... I know being here is helping me. I feel better here, with the girls and Alex. She's been wonderful. By the way, how's Grandma?”

“She's much better, we all are, I assure you you've got nothing to worry about here. Listen, Ashlyn... I don't want you to feel bad for needing to be out of here. I get it. When I was a young boy, I couldn't wait to get out, find something better, and there's nothing wrong with that. When people got into boats and left the Titanic while others stayed and died, that wasn't cowardice, that was doing everything you can for yourself, because if you don't look out for yourself, then who does? You cannot be depending on people and expecting for them to save you, because sometimes, as much as they want to and as much as they try, they simply can't. Sometimes what we need is within ourselves, and we need to figure things out on our own. Leaving Satellite for North Carolina was the best you could have done, honey, and staying away from here now is the best you can do. I want you to stay where you can really protect your mental health, I want you to give yourself a chance to recover from losing Chris, and I want you to give yourself time and be patient with yourself. Don't rush to come back just because of your Mum. It's painful to see her like this, and if you're full of pain, you can't help, you'll just crumble. Just like I had to leave your Mum and divorce, because as much as I loved her and you and Chris, as much as I wanted to stay, I knew if I stayed I'd only get worse and then I'll screw you guys more and ruin everything way more. So now, put yourself first and don't feel guilty. I love you, I'm extremely proud of you, and none of that is going to change. Our family supports you and everything you do, and we know you've got good reasons to do what you do. You don't even need to give explanations. We have your back. We're rooting for you.”

Ashlyn felt a knot in her throat and her eyes glassy and nodded, pressing her lips together.

“I just feel so guilty at times, Dad,” she admitted hoarsely. “I left for NC, and I'm always somewhere. I keep missing birthdays, holidays, Father's Day, Mother's Day... it feels like I'm never around if you need me, yet you all are always there for me. And I keep putting soccer first for what? For World Cups and golden medals? What's it worth if it costs so much? If I can never be there for those who gave me everything?”

“Ash, it's not about awards. Soccer is way more than soccer for you. For a lot of people, like me, it's just a game. For you, it's what saved you when the world crumbled. It's your life vest, it's what gives you a motivation to get up every day and not stay in bed sinking in depression or in sad, difficult memories. And it's a life vest that sometimes gives you awards, but on top of it, it's something that gives you goals, a purpose in life, friends, a second, happier family, life lessons, experiences, unbelievable trips, education, motivation, and a feeling that you're useful and that you excel at something. And all those things are important. Those things make us keep living, you understand? If you didn't have that, then why get up every day? What for? How would you feel like you're the best at something? Where would your self-esteem be?”

“I have no idea.”

“Exactly. We might not have understood when you were younger, but now we do. You got into soccer and suddenly you had a bunch of loyal, good people as friends, a girlfriend who adored you just the way you were, a smile of pride in your face because you excelled at things and for once, you became a confident person. You started TWLOHA, now your brother's foundation, you've used your platform to do so much good and make the world so much better, how am I not going to be proud as hell that my daughter is making this world better than I ever knew it?”

“Don't you feel I'm never there for you guys?”

“Of course you're here. You never forget an especial occasion. You always phone us, you email us all the time, if we call you with an actual emergency, you drop everything to be there, you give us the experiences of going and seeing you play across the world and being proud and happy as hell, and for 90 minutes we can forget all our shit too, and you make us feel loved. You're like a shooting star, you may only appear around very rarely, but the little you're here you make us feel infinitely especial and lucky for having you. Besides, your Mum and I never wanted for you to stay and babysit us... we wanted for you to go out into the world and eat it like the shark we knew you were. We wanted you to be happy. And that's the ultimate satisfaction for us.”

Ashlyn sniffled and rubbed her nose.

“You're the best father in the world, you know? I can't wait to make you a Grandpa and see you be the best one in the world as well.” Mike laughed.

“I try.”

“Promise me.”

“Promise what, love?”

“Promise me you'll be the best Grandpa. That you won't kill yourself, that you won't stop fighting, that you will try your best to be the best Grandpa for my children.”

“I swear, darling. And I'll always be here for you. Well, actually I have to go, the doctor's back with info but... call me when you get up, okay?”

“It'll be the middle of the night there!”

“So? Totally worth waking-up for. I love you, Ash.”

“I love you too. Thanks for the pep talk.”

“Any time, shark. Goodnight, sleep well and have fun.”

“Yeah, you too. Give Mum a big kiss from me.”

Ashlyn smiled to herself as they hung-up and she stared at the background phone picture of her parents, Ali, Chris and herself posing after the wedding ceremony, once the couple had signed the marriage certificate. They were a happy family once, and they would be again. She rubbed her eyes, took a deep breath, and went back inside the pub, where judging by the noise, the girls were doing a shots competition.

“Is it good news?” Alex Morgan asked mid-shot, stopping herself. Ashlyn smiled and nodded.

“She's awake and on the road to recovery.”

The details about her not that good condition could wait. Tonight, it was a celebratory night. Ali stood up looking at her with one of her beaming grins, and the goalkeeper felt her brain stop working as the defender put her arms around her neck and without caring about everybody watching, planted a firm, open-mouthed kiss on her lips. Ashlyn barely registered her teammates yelling 'get her, Kriegs!' all she knew was that her wife's tongue was brushing hers, her dark eyelashes brushed against her cheeks, and the world couldn't matter less.

The game against England was a success. It was very difficult and for the first half it was 0-0, but eventually they managed a 1-0 victory. Then came Scotland, and it became a 4-0 victory. Ashlyn had managed three clean-sheets since coming from Florida, and the team could not be more exuberant.

The exhaustion was felt when the entire team boarded the plane back to DC, the night after the match, as they didn't want to waste more time to get home. The plane was mostly quiet as most of the players were asleep, and Ali was holding Ashlyn's arm in front of her body with her hand on her lap, so the defender's face pressed against her arm as she slept, wrapped in a blanket.

Ashlyn was one of the very few players awake, and was reading her family's texts updating about her mother. She had big speech difficulties and her memory wasn't sharp, as she could barely go as far as to recognize her family, or at least her facial expressions seemed to indicate she did. She had poor control of her hands and arm strength, and could hardly walk, as her legs seemed to feel too weak and uncoordinated, but she was alive. It occurred to Ashlyn then that she didn't know what the USWNT had said about her temporal absence, and she didn't know what the world knew about her mother either, so she went to the USWNT's Twitter and scrolled down.

' _Goalkeeper Ashlyn Harris has had to return to Florida to check on a family member who's suffered a domestic accident. Coach April Heinrichs has declared 'Ash has my full support, her family is going through tough few months and right now she really worries about them and really needs to put them first and make sure they're okay. They've come second for decades with her career, and I really want to see them recover and be happy. We'll welcome Ashlyn back with open arms whenever she's ready''._

' _Ashlyn Harris joins the team in Ghent after Alyssa Naeher suffers ACL that will keep her away from the Olympics. 'Obviously, Ash told us about her family, that is not doing too well right now, after having lost her brother so tragically so little ago,' Captain Becky Sauerbrunn told the press 'we know right now she really needs to be with them and we want her to be, but we all understood that right now with Alyssa injured, we need her, and she stepped-up, and came, because she has a supportive family who encouraged her to come. That's a big sacrifice for her, but she's happy to be here, and we're happy to have her.''_

Then, Ashlyn went to Ali's Tweeter.

' _Hi guys. Yes, Ash received a worrying call from her family and had to flight overnight, and we've all been understandably worried and hoping it wasn't a big thing. Now it appears like a family member had an accident and got injured at home, and it was one of these things that at first look really bad and worry everyone so much, but now Ash has confirmed to us that her relative is doing well and the situation is under control. She's just a bit too anxious to come back yet, but hopefully we'll have her back for England or so._ '

' _It's great you guys are bombarding me with questions about why I'm not with my wife if we have a family emergency at home. Short answer; she refuses to have me leave the team as well. Longer answer; things are looking better and better, but we agreed I'll fly back if things worsen unexpectedly._ '

' _SHE'S BACK!Just spoke with the wife and she confirmed she's boarded a plane to Ghent to meet us! Fortunately things are looking better at home, and she feels better about leaving them. Obvs we're very worried about Alyssa, and she knows how ACLs are and knew the team really needed her now._ '

' _WHAT A FEW CLEAN-SHEETS! Listen I was playing and I got CHILLS as well! Vvv proud of my fav person for being such a dolphin out there and getting some world-class saves, and super happy to have such tremendously talented teammates scoring some gold goals!'_

' _Getting comfy in the plane with the wife and our beautiful teammates and while the girls discuss what food they'll devour first when they get home (spoiler: pancakes are winning), I can only think of the huge cuddle session our Logan rightfully deserves and a very overdue visit to Satellite Beach to give my in-laws a big hug and celebrate! #TheHarrisGiveBestHugs #MissMyBeachyRelatives_ '

' _LOL @KyleKriegerHair is picking us up at the airport in DC and now he's mad bc I want to sleep when we get home instead of party #GiveThePrincessABreak #LongTrip_ '

Ashlyn laughed to herself, shaking her head as she looked down at her sleeping wife. She snapped a picture of her drooling over her arm and published it.

' _Abusing wife privilege. How ridiculously purdy is she though? #LoganDroolsLess_ '

She then posted another photograph kissing the top of her wife's head.

' _Despite the weird sleeping habits, I cannot be more grateful for this Princess. This trip has been one of the toughest yet,there were times in which I was really, really low, but this girl pulled me back together, was my rock as always, and encouraged me to be a warrior like now I rightfully am (KRIEGER-Harris, anyone?) The family is OK now. Just a big scare. Thanks for the love and big shoot-out for the best, most supportive sisters I could've ever asked for!_ '

She tried googling her mother's name, and diverse combinations, but although several articles had been written about her little absence, none had any real info about what exactly had happened. And for now, Ashlyn preferred it like that.

  
  



	29. The heart can only take so much

**Chapter 29: The heart can only take so much.**

Because of Tammye's condition, the Krieger-Harris wasted no time to get from Washington DC to Orlando. They only had time to have a four hour break and late dinner with Ken Krieger before they had to get into the other plane, and while chatting with the eldest Krieger, they found out Kyle and Debbie hadn't left Satellite Beach, and were still hanging over there to take care of Ashlyn's family. The gesture was touching and surprising, and Ashlyn made a mental note to thank them properly, but first they had to get to Orlando.

Logan was desperate about seeing her mothers once again, and she didn't stop crying for the first twenty minutes the couple made it home, so they decided to take her with them to Satellite. They had important games with the Pride they couldn't miss, so they'd make it a quick day trip, and be home the next day for training with the local team.

“Are you sure you're OK to drive?” Ali asked as she threw a bunch of clothes to the washing machine and found clean clothes to wear after having just showered.

It had been an eight hour flight from London to DC, which with the time difference meant that when they arrived in DC it was midnight. They had only taken a quick nap at a hotel near the airport and then they had flown again for two hours to Orlando. That meant by the time they got home, it was about two-three in the morning, they had been travelling for about fourteen hours, give or take, had to deal with the 5h time difference with London, and hadn't slept in twenty-four hours.

“Yeah, I think my brain is getting used to jet lag” Ashlyn half smiled, smiling tiredly at her as she buttoned-up a shirt. “You could stay with Logan, Ali. You must be knackered.”

“Absolutely not. You're my wife, Tammye's my mother-in-law and I'm worried about her and want to be there to support her. I'll take a nap when we get home, won't be hospital visiting hours, right?”

“Yeah, we'll do that. Dad said Mum's house in Laurel Street is already good to live in, so we can just use it, I have the keys.”

“Okay. Logan, love, let's go sweetie, let's go...”

Ashlyn couldn't blame Ali for falling asleep before they had even exited the city of Orlando. Logan was snoring loudly in the back seat, and although the goalkeeper was tired, and if circumstances were any different, would've done everything in her power to avoid driving this sleepless and in the middle of the night, adrenaline kept her awake and she resolved to being extra careful, flying at minimum speed allowed, putting music a little upbeat to jam to while her family slept like the dead, and looking twice before doing any movement.

Finally, as the sun rose, Ashlyn parked into her old driveway, opening the garage and getting the car inside. She grabbed the bag with Logan's things and woke the dog up, opening the back door.

“Come on Logan, let's go.” She took the dog to her brother's old bedroom and set her things on his bed, patting it to indicate it was OK for her to sleep there. “I'm going to get Mummy.” She kissed the dog's head and accepted her licking, and made her way back to the car, carefully opening Ali's door and quickly shoving a hand inside so the brunette, who was sleeping against the window, didn't fall out.

“Wh-?” Ali woke up with the movement.

“It's okay, let's go Princess, let's get you to bed.” Ashlyn kissed the top of her head, undid her belt and took her bride style out of the car, locking it one-handedly before bringing the brunette into the house through the connecting door. Ali held onto her neck and was soon snoring softly against her t-shirt, as the goalkeeper got her comfortable on her old bed, removing her shoes and clothes and tucking her in bed.

Once the whole family was sleeping, Ashlyn walked to her mother's bedroom. It looked clean now, and there was no fan, just a closed hole in the ceiling. She went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of coke, lamenting the lack of alcohol in the house for a brief second. After one glass and seeing the sun come up through the window, she changed into her pyjamas, snuggled with Ali and closed her eyes, quickly falling asleep despite the caffeine.

When Ali woke up, her watch said it was past eleven and she smelled bacon and eggs. Noticing she was completely nude, she got dressed and walked to the kitchen following the smell of bacon and the sounds of soft Aerosmith music and Ashlyn singing, finding her dancing in the kitchen while Logan jumped up and down and she cooked.

“I could spend my life, in this sweet surrender, I could stay lost in this moment, forever...” Ashlyn was singing. “Don't wanna close my eyes! Don't wanna fall asleep, 'cause I'd miss you babe...” Ali smiled contemplating her for a moment, and couldn't resist posting a video of her for a few seconds in Instagram, after she had been enjoying herself for a few minutes.

“I know what you're doing, you creep!” Ashlyn's voice came up, looking over her shoulder.

“You're just too cute,” Ali crinkled her nose, hugging her and kissing her. “Good morning...”

“Good morning Princess,” Ashlyn spun her and took her hands, dancing a little with her. Ali chuckled and pressed her body against Ashlyn's, putting a hand on her shoulder and another in hers as they danced romantically and the bacon got cold in their plates. She loved these moments the most. “How did you sleep?” Ashlyn asked separating, turning the music off and putting the breakfast on the bed while throwing Logan a piece of bacon.

“Very well, can't believe you got up to make me breakfast, you're so sweet.”

“I'm up, I went grocery shopping, I passed by the hospital but Mum was sleeping, cooked breakfast...” Ali's jaw dropped.

“How long have you even been up? I thought you were tired?”

“I'm still tired, I couldn't sleep much, if I'm honest. Once the sun comes through the window I just wake up.”

“Since when?” Ali asked ironic, as they had often overslept way past the sunrise. Ashlyn sighed.

“Fine, I had shit dreams and didn't want to sleep anymore.” The defender frowned lightly. Her wife truly did look more tired than usual, with bags under her eyes and even a couple grey hairs mixed in the mess of dark hair and blonde highlights.

“What do you need?”

“Therapy, and I'll get that going when I'm back in Orlando. I already phoned Ellie this morning.” Ellie Simmons had been Ashlyn's go-to psychotherapist since arriving to Orlando years before, as she always made sure to find someone good and trustworthy wherever she lived, with the exception of Sweden and Germany, where there was no luck finding one that spoke English well enough. Ellie had thus become a close friend and a constant in their lives, going to their wedding and all, and Ali had also seen her when she had needed it. “I should've done it sooner, when Chris died. I was stupid to think I could manage on my own.”

“Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, you weren't stupid, you had the tools she's been giving you for years and you figured with Buspar and the experience you have, you'd be good. Do you think you'll be ready to train tomorrow?”

“Hopefully. Eat quickly babe, we have to eat and go to the hospital and then we're having lunch with your Mum and Kyle. They're at a hotel now, but I offered them to come stay with us in Orlando for a few days, mini holiday in compensation for all their help.”

“Good idea, Mum got a permission to miss work and Kyle is just... figuring his next adventure out, I guess.”

“It's settled then!”

After breakfast, they went to the hospital and Mike and Corey, who had been in the room, met them at the corridor, so they walked together to the room.

“She's a bit like an elder with Alzheimer, she's a bit... odd. Just be patient.” Mike told them as they entered. “Hi Tammye, look who came to visit!”

Ashlyn and Ali stood cautiously and smiled at Tammye big and warmly. The older woman was sitting-up in bed and looked at them with curiosity, but without any signs of really knowing who they were.

“Hi, Mum,” Ashlyn said softly, sitting on the verge of her bed and carefully taking her hand, smiling at her. “Remember me, Mummy? It's Ashlyn, your lil' shark.”

“T-” Tammye touched her chest with her free hand, trying to speak. “T-Tammye. Me. Uhm.” And grinned. Ashlyn looked confused but smiled back.

“You're Tammye?” Ashlyn asked, and she nodded. “That's a beautiful name.” She understood it had been confusing for her to be called Mum, a word that probably had no meaning for her. “I'm Ashlyn.” Mike's smile dropped as he realized they had been wrong to assume she remembered, and Ali's dropped as well, sitting on a chair. Tammye nodded at her introduction, made some unintelligible noise, like a baby babbling, and looked curiously at the hand of hers Ashlyn was holding, touching the keeper's hand softly. “Hey Tammye, is it okay if I call you Mum?” Tammye looked up and giggled nervously, incomprehensibly. Ashlyn gulped the knot in her throat and smiled back, trying to communicate like that, just like she'd do with her dog or a baby. “Mum, I brought someone who wanted to see you, I don't know if you remember my wife Ali?” she pointed at Ali.

“Hi Tammye, I missed you,” Ali said smiling warmly at the woman. Tammye looked at her, smiled and nodded. “You remember me?”

Tammye patted her hand, looking away at the room with avid curiosity, and didn't seem to pay much attention anymore.

“She probably doesn't even know what wife means,” Ashlyn murmured. Then suddenly Tammye grabbed her tattooed left arm, that was exposed as the woman wore short sleeves, and started tracing the tattoos with a finger, becoming absorbed in them. “You like my tattoos, Mum?”

The doctor, who had come around to see if there was any improvement, stood with Mike looking at them, trying to figure-out what state his patient's brain was in.

“She didn't smile at us because she knew us,” Corey realized, looking at the men. “She smiled because she feels we're familiar, because she's comfortable with us... but she doesn't really remember why.”

Tammye had become so absorbed with Ashlyn's tattoos she was just tracing them up and down with her fingers, twisting Ashlyn's arm to see more, then discovering the other arm had more. She'd bring her arm super close to her eyes, making some noise, then poke it.

“Does she remember the tattoos?” Ali inquired.

“It's possible, or they may just be calling her attention,” the doctor explained. “Her brain right now is like that of a little child in some ways, she was liking watching cartoon as well.”

“Okay Mum, wanna draw a bit?” Ashlyn asked, seeing a pen and a notebook on the bedside table. Her Dad had been using them for Sudokus and crosswords, but she took them and helped Tammye hold the pen. “Why don't you make me a drawing uh?” she attempted. Tammye pressed the pen against the paper but couldn't hold it properly, nor make the right force, and she got sick of it and pushed Ashlyn away, quite literally.

“No, no, no, no, no!” Tammye shouted slapping Ashlyn's chest.

“Okay! Okay! Stop that,” Ashlyn grabbed her hands in one of hers and caressed her face with her other hand. “Mum, calm down, stop it...” Tammye stopped getting worked-up and rocked herself up and down, leaning against Ashlyn's face. “That's good Mum, well done.” She put the notebook and pen away.

“It's normal for her emotions to be a little over the place,” the doctor said.

“I can see that,” Ashlyn grumbled. Then Tammye started pressing her hands against her forehead.

“Mmm! Mmm!” she groaned, seemingly in pain.

“Okay, she's in pain, we're going to sedate her. She needs a lot of sleep as she recovers, it's quite a big injury,” the doctor said. “If you can head out...”

While the nurses handled Tammye, Mike, Corey, Ali, Ashlyn and the doctor walked outside to the area where the lifts and the nurses desk was. Ali could feel Ashlyn's anger irradiating, and finally she exploded against the men.

“What kind of stupid people are you?!” she snapped, glaring at them. “You said she remembered! You said she wasn't so bad! She's fucking disabled here, gravely may I add, don't fucking tell me you just noticed! And you! What kind of doctor are you?!” she pushed the doctor away and Ali moved to placate her, holding her back with her body.

“Ash, calm down,” Ali said, seeing her heavy breathing and her glassy eyes glaring at the doctor.

“Calm down?! These fucking people made it look like she knew us and was going to be a little better than expected, and you've seen her! She has no idea who I am! My own mother has absolutely no idea who I am!” a sob escaped her lips and Mike and Corey looked at her, powerless.

“Ma'am, I understand you must be very frustrated-,” the doctor attempted politely.

“You understand nothing,” Ashlyn said hoarsely, rubbing her eyes with her arm as Ali hugged her from behind, kissing her shoulder and trying to comfort her while making sure she couldn't raise a hand against the men. “My best friend and brother died three months ago and my mother is heavily brain damaged, gravely disabled for life, and doesn't recognize her own daughter. Happy, Dad?” she added, snapping to her Dad, who looked at her saddened. “How can you be so bloody dumb? What exactly made you think she remembered or wasn't so bad?”

“She... she was smiling, I thought she knew...”

“You thought...” Ashlyn shook her head. “Well do something useful in your life and stop spreading your ignorant thoughts around, because that's not helping. Going around giving people false illusions... you're such a...” Ashlyn struggled with herself, clenching her teeth.

“I should go,” the doctor said politely, and looked at Mike. “She's just struggling, don't take it personally.” He added in a whisper, before heading back to Tammye.

The goalkeeper took a deep, shaky breath and sniffled, pressing a hand against her face and sobbing into it. Ali held her tightly between her arms, letting the goalkeeper cry against her neck as she wrapped her arms around her.

“Calm down Liebe, at least she's happily oblivious and she must remember something because she was comfortable touching you and holding your hand and talking with you,” Ali tried to stay optimistic. “I'm sure if we give her time, she will surprise us and show some improvement.”

“I hope you're right,” Ashlyn used her own shirt to dry her face, separating from Ali, and looked at the men full of disappointment and anger, holding Ali's face. “Let's go Ali. And you know what Dad?”

“Stop it, you're going to regret it,” Ali tried to hold her back.

“No, he has to know. This,” Ashlyn pointed an accusatory finger at Mike, “this is all your bloody fault. You were a screwed-up, reckless, irresponsible teenager, I don't know how in God's name grandpa and grandma could raise such an useless person, and so off you went having children without a decent job or a miserable university degree to get one, giving your wife such a shit life she sank into drugs and depression, only to abandon your family and divorce. You want to justify that saying you weren't happy and you were trying to be better for us? Well fuck you, because that has no justification.”

“Ashlyn, come on,” Ali tried with a more serious tone.

“You need to shut it, Ash...” Corey intervened as well.

“I'm not going to shut it, damn it. This guy pulled his whole family into drugs himself! That's why Chris is dead. That's why Mum wanted to die and is now so effin' damaged. And damn it, you may even push me in hell as well, is that what you want? It's all your bloody fault. You ruin everything you touch!” she has tears streaming down her eyes and Ali looked apologetically at Mike, but the man was looking down, covering his face with one hand. “And you're so bloody useless and stupid you even believe things will be better, well they won't! This family is forever broken. So you know what?” Ashlyn sniffled. “Get high and die if you want-”

“Ashlyn!” Ali and Corey got scandalized at once.

“No! Get high and die, because that's the only thing you're good at! And maybe then you'll stop giving me so much heartache, because you're killing me here, and it seems like it's the only thing you're talented at!”

“That's it! We're leaving!” Ali pushed Ashlyn into the lift and gave Corey a pleading look. Corey nodded and gave her a thumbs up, rushing to comfort Mike, while the lift door closed.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! Start the year off right by leaving comments please ;)


	30. Toxicity in my own veins

**Chapter 30: Toxicity in my own veins.**

Even though Ashlyn regretted her words the moment she said them, she didn't apologize, because she knew she had meant them. A part of her heart, the one hurt by over thirty years thanks, in a big way, to her parents' lack of talent to put their children first, had accumulated over thirty years of resentment, anger and frustration, while the other part of her heart wanted to forgive it all and protect her father at all costs, including apologizing, but both parts agreed that an apology couldn't come if it wasn't sincere. Ali understood it without talking about it, because she knew her so well and for so long, so she took her to the beach and let her explode, before calling Corey, who assured her Mike would be fine, that he was being comforted by Tammye's brother in that moment. Then she phoned her mother to explain the situation, but lunch wasn't cancelled.

“We don't have to go,” Ali insisted as they walked barefoot on the beach.

“Isolating myself won't make me feel better,” Ashlyn murmured, splashing water at the shore. “I'm sorry, Alex. I'm such a-,”

“Don't,” Ali stopped her, cupping her face between her hands, “look, this is just too much right now for you, and you're tired, you exploded, it's okay. Now you've gotten to scream and cry and let it all out, which you needed to do, and you can speak with Mike later. Don't be so hard on yourself, you crossed the line but it does have a very good reason.”

The younger woman nodded, leaning into her arms.

“Thank you for sticking with me.”

“I love you, I couldn't have it any other way,” Ali said simply, sighing as they embraced each other. “Today you take a big nap and I'll drive us home, okay? We'll get you home to relax and be ready for practice tomorrow.”

They met with Debbie, Kyle and Ashlyn's Satellite Beach bestie Liz at one of the places Ashlyn loved the most, that had wooden tables in a garden. They had brought Logan, as they had been walking her, and the dog was playing running around the garden.

“It'll get better,” Kyle assured hugging Ashlyn.

“Whatever, you know?” Ashlyn shrugged, flopping on one of the bench seats by the table. “Nothing I can do anymore.”

“So you shouted at your Dad, uh?” Liz asked delicately. She had already heard the whole story from Debbie, Corey on the phone, and even Cassidy.

“Does everybody know already?”

“Well yeah, Cassidy said he was at their house, quite a depressing mess. I get why you said what you said, but you'll apologize, right?” she put a hand on Ashlyn's forearm, giving her a pleading look. “You can't lose him too.”

“I know,” Ashlyn nodded. “I just don't want to apologize until I can do it sincerely. And right now, I'm genuinely furious at him, Liz. I really try not to be resentful, and I swear I've spent over a decade doing my own job of forgiving and forgetting and moving on and I thought I managed, but I don't get how someone can screw up so badly for such long lengths of time. And when we were in London, he had the audacity of telling me sometimes you have to put yourself first, be a little selfish, so you can take care of yourself, and he said that he left us when we were children because of that, so our family wouldn't be more damaged. In that moment I didn't even give it a second thought because he was comforting me, but now I just... we relied on bloody food stamps and had one salary less at home and a shit maintenance pay. He drove Mum and Chris into drugs, and now they're gone and I'll never get them back. I mean Ken also left, but at least he doesn't try to put up some stupid excuses, he admitted he fucked-up and apologized. My Dad went and became an addict.”

They asked for some beers, except for Kyle of course, and for lunch, even though no one had much appetite. Ali kept a hand in Ashlyn's hand and coaxed her to eat a little once lunch came. They were half way through lunch when unexpectedly, Mike came over looking ashamed and wary, even though he was a big man unlikely to feel small in any room.

“Hi guys,” he said softly, looking at Ashlyn like a child staring at an angry dog. He knew he was walking on eggshells, and his eyes were swollen from crying.

“Mike, why don't you sit with us, have you eaten?” Ali got up to hug him. “I'm so sorry.” She added in a whisper to his ear.

“It's fine, I'm not hungry, thanks,” Mike looked grateful at her as they separated. He looked at Ashlyn. “Ashlyn, can we please talk in private? I see you're no longer eating.”

“Talk about what, Dad?” Ashlyn asked. Her voice sounded drained and sad, and her eyes were still glassy, her mascara ruined.

“Everything, anything you need...”

“Really? You want to talk about how you brought drugs and alcoholism into my childhood home? Do you want to talk about how you thought studies were stupid, so you dropped out and were so irresponsible to have children without giving a shit about whether you could actually maintain them? Or perhaps about how you got so high your marriage got ruined and your best idea was to abandon us to literally starve? Let's talk about how you made drugs seem so nice Chris decided to take them, or about how Mum was so miserable because of you that she got high and drunk, or about the thrillion memories of my childhood in which I'm alone and unattended because everyone was too busy being high. Do you want to talk about that?”

“I've apologized a million times, let's please not do that here in public...”

“Then maybe you shouldn't have come looking for me. Apologizes aren't enough, Dad. I was neglected for half my childhood for reasons that directly go back to you, my brother suffered what you cannot possibly imagine, and I had to literally save his life thanks to drugs. Apologizing doesn't make my memories go away.”

“I cannot save Chris, okay? And I cannot go back in time and stop your mother from doing what she did. There's nothing I can't do anymore, and you should let go.”

“Well ask again when I stop dreaming of watching my brother die in the same way he almost died in my face years ago! Ask again, when my mother didn't just hung herself from a bloody fan! Because it seems to me like every time I go to do my bloody job I lose a family member, and in the meantime, what were you doing? You should've stayed with Mum! You owed that to me! Mum literally lives half an hour from you by car, it wasn't such a big effort, or at least you could've waited until I was back and could stay with her!”

If one Harris had temper and a lot of anger inside, two Harris were even worse, not to mention Ashlyn was the most like her father, which everybody knew. And Ali could see Mike start to get angry and care less about the few people watching.

“Excuse me about having a real job and trying to make a life! Not all of us can earn millions of dollars for stopping a ball from getting into a net while travelling worldwide! I don't have the economical capacity of abandoning my life for your mother for months and months without end, but you do, perhaps you should've stayed! Maybe what pisses you off so much it's not me but yourself, because you turned your back on your family and your mother hung herself from a fan while you were making millions in Portugal kicking a ball!”

At once, Ali wrapped her arms tightly around Ashlyn and Ashlyn stood up, pulling them both to their feet, and trying to get rid of Ali so she could jump on her Dad.

“Okay that's enough!” Ali intervened. “Mike, get out because if you don't, I'll be the one to punch you senseless.” But Mike wasn't done. Father and daughter glared at each other across the table as if they weren't related, but long-time enemies.

“You know what, Ashlyn?” Mike murmured. “Sometimes I wish that if one of my kids had to die, it had been you. Chris was always sweeter and gentler.” He turned around and left.

Ali felt her blood run cold and Ashlyn stopped struggling in her arms and breathing heavy. Kyle's eyes had gotten so big they looked like they were about to fall out, and Liz and Debbie were beyond shocked. Kyle and Liz made a move to follow Mike, but without a second word, Debbie stormed after him, out of the bar. Afraid of what she'd see, Ali carefully moved to look at Ashlyn and almost felt her heart literally break at the sight. Ashlyn had lost all her colour and looked down with a trembling lip.

“Come here, Liebe. Don't listen to him,” she sat her down and put her arms around her, feeling her shaking violently beneath her arms. “Kyle, please, get her some water.”

Kyle walked into the bar and Liz sat on the other side of Ashlyn.

“He didn't mean it, Ash,” Liz assured her. “You guys are just so impulsive, wearing the heart in your sleeve... you both say things you don't mean sometimes.”

“On the contrary, we say things we fully mean but our brain stops us from saying,” Ashlyn whispered, leaning into Ali. “And you know what? I don't blame him. I'd rather Chris was alive in exchange of him.”

Ali drove them home shortly after, unwilling to stay near Mike a minute longer. They stopped by to kiss Tammye goodbye, promising to visit again as soon as possible, and her smile lightened their hearts a little as they rushed to the car with Debbie, Logan and Kyle. Ashlyn slept the entire drive home, snoring softly in the backseat with her forehead against Kyle's shoulder, without him minding, and once home, she and Kyle jumped on the pool as if nothing had happened. Ali and Debbie sat down by the pool, and Debbie told her what she had talked with Mike.

“He was very worked-up, but I basically told him I know a little about what things must have been like when he divorced because your Dad left us as well,” Debbie said calmly, watching the 'kids' playing with a ball, “and that he needs to behave more like a Dad and less like an angry person. I told him what he feels is normal and rightful, but that as parents, we need to put a limit and don't cross certain lines and he's crossed them and needs to rethink things. I told him as much as Ashlyn's in her thirties, deep inside she's still that kid who got too hurt and was alone, afraid and neglected, and she's never going to heal that wound unless he changes his act a little.”

“But she also said some shitty things,” Ali murmured.

“I know, and I recognized it to him, but I reminded him that Ashlyn wears her heart in her sleeve, and she cannot cope with her feelings unless she expresses them even when they hurt, and that she's gone through enough thanks to him and her mother and has a right to vent out about it, and is his duty as a father to take the punch, remember she loves him and is just tremendously hurt, and see how he can fix it, because as parents is our job to fix things even if we didn't do something wrong. In this case he's done plenty of things wrong, but I wasn't about to rub that in.”

“You're such a saviour, Mum. I really don't know what Ash would do without you,” Ali said thankful, squeezing her mother's thigh.

“Ashlyn is desperately craving a healthy family. She talks about how she wants you two to have a happy, healthy family, and she tends to make emphasis there, which shows how much she lacks that with the Harris, and needs it. And I think she needs me to be a happy, healthy second mother and sort of adopt her as my own, because she's never had a proper guidance from a parent, since they were addicts well into her adulthood.”

Kyle, Ashlyn and Logan exited the pool, getting a little cold, and quickly wrapped themselves in towels, save for Logan, who was more the kind to jump around the garden until she dried off.

“What's up girls?” Kyle grinned, sitting with them, followed by Ashlyn. His short dark hair was pointing all directions, and he quickly gathered a second towel from the mountain on the side of the garden sofa.

“Just chatting,” Ali looked over at her wife, who was drying her ears. “Good bath?”

“The water's perfect Alex, you should check it yourself,” she answered. “Okay, so I wanna say something in reference to Satellite drama.”

“All right,” Debbie smiled encouragingly at her. She was holding a glass of juice she was sometimes sipping from, and on a small table between them, as one sofa was in front of the other, there was a small container with chips.

“I'm very, very sorry,” Ashlyn said after a moment of thought. “These four months... This wasn't how I wanted our first year as a marriage to be. It's true I couldn't control half the things happened with my family, but I still don't want our shit to affect you. I know we're one same family,” she added quickly as Ali was going to argue, stopping her, “but... I'm conscious you guys have gone a long run to get to where you are, a much healthier place where my Dad, my Mum or Chris haven't quite been, I cannot have you getting dragged by that, and for me, I need this to be the past. I cannot go back to worrying about drugs, alcoholism, or about my family screwing itself up. The Foundation is about as much as I want to have to do with that world, and the rest I need to cut it off completely, because that cannot be something you guys get close to just because of being related to me, and it absolutely cannot be a part of our children's lives.”

“Problem is Ash, as much as you reject that life, sometimes is unavoidable. Like, as much as you did, your Mum and brother still got bad, you can't help that,” Kyle commented gently.

“That's true. But now, both of them are over with. Christopher's dead,” Ashlyn sighed. “And as much as I hate it, my mother is never going to recover. She may achieve some degree of dependency through the right treatments or therapies, she may even remember be a little at some point... but she's suicidal, I cannot take care of her nor assure her safety, so I don't have a choice but to institutionalize her for as long as it takes, perhaps for the rest of her life, so she can never hurt herself again, because I cannot live my life constantly anxious about her. I'll visit her all the time, as much as possible, and I'll bust my ass to try and get her to recover as much as possible and pay all the help she ever needs, but I won't let her have a chance to go down the road again. That only leaves my Dad to worry about, as the rest of my family seems very serious about being okay.”

“He will come around, Ash, you'll see,” Debbie reassured her. “He's a good man.”

“I'm sure he is. I'm sure he is a very good man who did awful things, I'm sure he got off the wagon, and I'm sure in any other point of my life I wouldn't stop until he and I were thick as thieves and he was all right, just like I've always done it, even if it meant endangering my mental health. Which is why it hurts me tremendously to say it, but I've decided to cut all ties with him and give up on him completely.”

“What?” Ali frowned, leaning forward in astonishment. “But Ash, he's your Dad! You've already lost so much... And he's getting help, he's going to be better than ever before eventually.”

“I know,” the goalkeeper nodded. “Alex, is not a decision that makes me happy, but it's the best one and I know it. I'm happy for him, I wish him all the best, and I pray with the right help I stop being resentful and angry. I love him like crazy. That's not going to change. And for me it feels like mourning him as well, as if he somehow was gone too. But uh... as much as he sometimes does so much good for me, as much as he called me during the trips and made me feel so much better... then he goes and says what he's said last, that is directly the opposite to ever before, and has me suffering wondering if he lied or not. And I can't even sit to think about it and wonder. I shouldn't have to. Like I said, if this was any other moment of my life, I'd probably put up with it and do everything to fix it, because it's what I've always done, and because I understand he's just going through a lot but... for now, just for now, he needs to leave me alone, because if he doesn't, I'll kill myself, and I'm not joking.”

“I'll support anything you decide, but still... I'm not sure this is the right decision,” Ali commented, worried.

“Me neither. I'm not sure if it's going to be a reason for him to kill himself either. But he's got good friends, a loving family... it's just that if he behaved like he behaved today with our little children in front, I don't know what I would've done Ali, but I would've lost it. Furthermore, if you hadn't held me back, I would've broken his face, and gotten myself into deep trouble. I'm off balance, completely. I'm not okay. I know I'm nearly breaking point. And right now, everything remotely toxic needs to go. Right now I can't deal with him, with trying to fix this, I can't even fathom thinking about whatever's happening, because I'm starting to drink twice my regular amount of alcohol, Buspar is starting to not be enough to keep me chill, I'm starting to sleep very little, to start losing the weight I had recovered once more, and I'm becoming someone I don't want to be, I refuse. I'm done with shit. When I'm in a better place, sure, we can sit and discuss things again, but right now as things are, he's not getting anywhere near my wife, myself and our children. And right now I'm going to be fucking selfish and give my all to the Olympics. If that makes me a terrible daughter, fine. But he drove my life down the hill once and I won't let him do it twice, not even by accident.”

“All right,” Ali nodded. “You're right. You need to put yourself first for once and we need to make sure you're all right.” Ashlyn nodded.

“Besides, what's happened is inadmissible. I want it to be the last time my personal life has such a hard impact in my professional life. From today on, I'm going to be a freaking exemplar player, train my ass off daily, and get myself back together.”

Ali smiled warmly at her. As much as it made her stomach flutter with happiness to hear her talk about healthy habits which such determination, her heart broke a little for Mike.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember you have a part in keeping fanfiction going by supporting our work with your comments, kudos and bookmarks.


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